My Ex Is Not Interested – Should I Leave Him Alone For Now?

Question:  I went no contact with my ex after he dumped me, not to play games but because staying in touch was too painful. It was hard to hear him say the breakup was for the best and I’d find someone who was ready to commit because he wasn’t. After two years and dating other people, I reached out and we’ve been texting for 3 months. I reach out once a week sometimes he responds right away and sometimes after days. He always says busy and it clear to me now that he’s just being polite.

Last night I had enough and asked if he wasn’t interested in talking and if he wants me to leave him alone. He said it’s up to me. He said he cares about me but right now he feels numb and understands if him not being able to give me what I need is frustrating me.

I don’t if I should keep reaching out or leave him alone for now. In the past, he’s referenced to feeling numb and I’m genuinely worried about him.

Yangki’s Answer: You are right to be geneuinely concerned. I wish I could definitively tell you to keep reaching our or leave him alone, but it’s more complicated than that.

The combination of (past) drug use, antidepressant medication and feeling numb may be a sign of a down-regulated attachment system.

A down-regulated attachment system means a person’s natural need for attachment is turned down or muted. Common signs include feeling numb, flat, or oddly feeing “okay” very quickly after the breakup.

In a down-regulated state someone feels something, but those feelings are muted or inaccessible.

Someone whose attachment system is down-regulated may respond but responses are polite, too calm, short or neutral (not asking many questions back), delayed, but consistent If you stop initiating, contact stops. If you keep reaching out, they may respond even when they could easily stop.

In short, down-regulated connection is engagement without access to feelings. Their energy stays flat but they also don’t fully disengage. This is what feels like they’re not interested.

It doesn’t mean they don’t care, in fact in some cases, it means they care enough to subtly discourage you from contacting them, in your ex’s case by saying they’re too busy. They know they can’t give you the connection you need, but also don’t want to directly reject you.

Can reconnection work if an ex’s attachment system is down-regulated?

Often not, because even if an ex is responding, they’re operating from emotional shutdown rather than need for connection. There is no internal motivation to connect let alone reconnect.

But sometimes, yes, but only under certain conditions.

• Contact stays low pressure
• You don’t over-explain or over-share feelings
• They experience you as safe, not demanding

Their feelings may become accessible gradually but it’s hard to tell when since it’s not something they’re consciously in control of and you can’t “activate” someone else’s attachment system by effort or patience alone. This means that you’ll doing most of the work to keep connection alive without any guarantees that your ex will come out of their numb state.

I explained all this so you understand what is going on but understanding his attachment system doesn’t obligate you to wait.

So to answer your question, I can’t definitively tell you how long is reasonable to stay in this “in-between” space. What I can tell you is look at what your own attachment system is doing. Is staying in contact  helping you feel regulated or hurting you? That’s what’s most important right now. You can’t be there for someone else if you are not there for yourself first.

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