Question: My ex of 4 years cheated with another man. I tried to forgive her but, in the end, broke it off. She was angry with me because she said I could not get over the past and cut off all contact. I tried to contact her after 2 weeks to let her know I was working on getting over the past but no response. Three months later she contacts me saying she wants to be friends, but only when I’m ready, have moved on from the past and will no longer bring it up. Keep in mind that this is not the first time she’s cheated. The first time, we had the same argument over her cheating, she broke up with me saying she was giving me space and when I was ready, we can try the relationship again.
I still love her, she’s the love of my life but I don’t think we can be a couple anymore because of the cheating and her turning it around to look like I’m the one with a problem. I haven’t responded. Is it okay to do no contact in this situation?
Yangki’s Answer: Depends on why you are doing no contact. If you are doing it to “give her space” until you are ready to try the relationship again, just remember ‘space alone’ doesn’t change anything. It may help you forget the emotions temporarily, but those emotions don’t disappear just because you don;t talk for a while. Some day, they will come back up to the surface.
Communication is the best way to help address the feelings you have about her cheating. My advice is to respond and ask to speak face to face. You can then tell her you don’t think you can be a couple anymore because of her cheating and turning it around to look like you’re the one with a problem.
You don’t have to “forgive” her if you are not ready to, and do not go apologizing for her cheating. Nobody makes anyone cheat. Cheaters choose to cheat. If you take responsibility for her cheating, she’s use it against you, and like last time tell you she’s giving you space to get over it and when you are ready, she will take you back. That right there is a power-switch manipulation.
You don’t have to give her another chance just because she says she’s sorry and it won’t happen again. Have that talk to shut the door to the past so you can begin the future without the baggage of having been cheated on.
If you do decide to take her back, remember that the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. Unless someone goes through fundamental change, they will almost always repeat past behaviour. Humans are like that.