Question: Hi Yangki, I don’t think no contact is the way to go and don’t like using it, but my ex believes it’s the only way to save the relationship. When we’re together we fight all the time but after a few weeks of “no contact”, our connection is great. This has been going on the for the last two years. Any advice how to make this right?
Yangki’s Answer: I’m sorry that’s how things are, unfortunately it’s very common for two people to feel closer and “more connected” after a period of being apart especially if they love each other but can’t seem to make the relationship work. It’s one of those can’t live with and can’t live without situations.
- You can’t sustain a relationship on on-off connection. You can only do this to a point, after a while it becomes obvious that you are better off apart than together. It’s sad, especially if you love someone.
- You never get to learn how not to fight or resolve the issues you are fighting about all the time. Those issues keep coming back up because ‘no contact’ does nothing to address them. The two of you are using it to avoid dealing with what it is you are fighting about.
- It’s unhealthy to both of your psyches because it can become addictive. Whoever is craving “more connection” creates a reason to break-up so that you can have that ‘great connection” again.
- It’s a tell-tale sign of insecure attachment more specifically fearful-avoidance where you both want connection but fear it at the same time (see more on Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Style)
You have two options:
- End this now and find someone you don’t fight a lot with or when you fight try to resolve your issues instead of avoiding them with ‘no contact”..
- Work on you so you can become the secure base in the relationship and in so doing, change the dynamic and save the relationship.