Move On or Wait For My Avoidant Ex To Reach Out?

Question: Should I move on or wait for my avoidant ex to reach out?

My fearful avoidant ex stopped responding to my text messages and calls and blocked me on all social media without an explanation. We didn’t argue or fight, he just stopped responding to my texts. I thought I’d give him space for a few days but he unfollowed me on Instagram, so I reached out but got no response. That same day he blocked me and all my texts and calls have gone unanswered. This has been going on for nearly 2 months.
You said in your articles that fearful avoidants at some point reach out but it’s hard to be hopeful and optimistic when I don’t even know what happened. Other coaches say if I show him I’ve moved he will become interested again, so I’m really confused. Should I move on or wait for him to reach out?

Yangki’s Answer: I am sorry your fearful avoidant ex chose to disappear without an explanation.

It’s hard to be hopeful or optimistic about getting back together when you don’t know what you did that might have caused an avoidant to disappear into thin air. Even if you want to, you cannot do anything to fix what happened when you don’t know what happened.

People with an anxious attachment need answers and an explanation to be able to process what they are going through and when there are none, it makes processing the breakup and/or moving on harder.

And because anxiously attached have a negative self-concept and negative beliefs about themselves and their value to others, the lack of an explanation reinforces the negative beliefs leaving an anxiously attached feeling sad, devalued and resentful towards an ex, and some anxiously attached get angry and engage in protest behaviours.

Pretending to move on because you are hurt, frustrated and angry can be a form of protest behaviour if your intention is to get a reaction from him – any kind of reaction even a negative one. Protest behaviour creates a cycle of hurt and pain and keeps you feeling insecure about your value and worth. So pretending to move on – you are not really moving on if you’re trying to get a reaction from your ex or get them back – is self-sabotage.

You’re right, fearful avoidants reach out at some point, but do you really want to take back someone who disappears for 2 months with no explanation? The problem here is not that an avoidant pulled away, avoidants pull away and deactivate from time to time, and that’s normal. They need to self-regulate so they can continue to function in a relationship. But an avoidant pulling away to self-regulate is different from an avoidant unfollowing you, blocking you and not responding for nearly two months. The message your ex is sending is they don’t want anything do to with you. For you to continue clinging to someone – avoidant or not – who has no consideration for how you feel and treats you like you have no worth or value is telling them that their behaviour is okay, how you feel doesn’t matter and they can walk in out of your life as they please.

Like most fearful avoidants do, he will reach out at some point, don’t ask me when. Many fearful avoidants don’t know it themselves when they will reach out. It’s part of their disorganized attachment’s lack of a consistent attachment strategy. When he reaches out make sure that you get the answers and explanation you deserve, AND a sincere apology, then set clear boundaries about how you want to be treated before you let an avoidant who acted the way your ex acted back into your life.

If you decide to move on, move on. Don’t pretend to move on to manipulate someone to want to be with you. That’s proving just how insecure you are and how little you value yourself. At some point, you have to start valuing yourself instead of being so desperate to be in a relationship with anyone who tells or shows you they’re interested in you.

RELATED:

6 Post Breakup Protest Behaviours That Push Avoidants Away

The 3 Ways Avoidants Treat Exes After The Breakup

How To Stop Self-Abandoning And Over-Giving To Avoidant Ex

Will A Fearful Avoidant Ex Pursue You If They’re Losing You?

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7 Comments

  1. says: Modwana

    Excellent post. Letting go is the admission that you are not always in control and that it’s alright if you aren’t.

  2. says: Sandy

    I made a lot of mistakes because I was not emotionally healthy when I was in a relationship with my avoidant ex and then tried to get back with him too soon. I started to grieve the old relationship and just be present for my ex as his friend. It has developed into a real authentic friendship, and we are spending more time together. He’s dealing with depression and changing his careers. It’s at times frustrating not to be with him in way I want to be but the experience is teaching me strength and unconditional love.

    1. Love Doctor Yangki AkitengLove Doctor Yangki Akitengsays: Love Doctor Yangki Akiteng

      We all make mistakes; the most important thing is to learn from them.

      Depression changes everything and makes someone emotionally unavailable. You being there for him as his friend is definitely helping not just the depression but also strengthening your emotional bond. Hang in there.

  3. says: Christian

    Thanks for talking to me last night. As it turns out it was texting miscommunication, she actually called me herself after and we spoke for 45 mins. She was asking a few questions about specifics like what I’m doing, who I’m spending time with etc, maybe it was just me but sensed a bit of jealousy. I’m planning on not reaching out and maybe try see if she’s available to meet in 2 weeks time. Any other advice or does this sound like a reasonable plan?

    1. Love Doctor Yangki AkitengLove Doctor Yangki Akitengsays: Love Doctor Yangki Akiteng

      I don’t think it’s a good plan for you not to reach out at all. Fearful avoidants don’t want to seem like they want the other person more than the other person wants them, and sometimes play mind games to see who wants the other more. There will come a point when she’ll notice that she’s the only one reaching out and will stop reaching and may even stop responding completely.

  4. says: blossom

    I’m in a similar situation with my avoidant of 2 years. He keeps telling me if I just let go and stop trying to control him things would be a lot different. In my head I know he is right but in practice it’s hard to ignore the fact that he is not committing to the relationship as much as I am. I’ve seriously considered moving on because it seems much simpler to find love else where than to continue with the relationship.

    1. Love Doctor Yangki AkitengLove Doctor Yangki Akitengsays: Love Doctor Yangki Akiteng

      Have you considered that the reason an avoidant is not committing to the relationship is because he feels controlled. I’m not saying you are controlling but if this how he feels, it’s his reality.

      Look at the things he says you are doing that make him feel controlled and see if he has a point and try to let go as he says and see what happens. If he still doesn’t commit to the relationship then you can move on knowing you gave yourselves a chance.

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