What “Letting Things Happen Naturally” With Your Ex Means

Question: What does letting things happens naturall mean?

My ex is open to getting back together but he wants things to happen naturally. “Let it happen” naturally is what he says. He ended the relationship saying we are too different, and we can never make each other happy. He is right that we are different, but I think our differences work for us not against us. I admit that I have sometimes pushed him but that is because he is capable of so much more. In my defense he procrastinates and sometimes talks himself out of doing something that advances and expands his business. He appreciated it when I pushed him but now says it made him unhappy for a long time.

I love this man to death and want to marry him. I don’t know how to make him see that we are good for each other. We agreed that we would be friends and be in each other’s life. Things were good for a while. The last couple of weeks I have noticed him responding less and not reaching out at much. I confronted him and he said I need to stop pushing to get back together and let things happen naturally . I’m afraid that if I don’t contact him, we will grow apart. Advice Please? Thnxs.

Yangki’s Answer: I’ll answer the easy part first. He is not complaining about you contacting him, there is therefore no reason why you should stop reaching out. You obviously have an anxious attachment style (and he is an avoidant) that’s why him needing to find his own happiness feels like a threat to the future of the relationship. It’s also what’s making you feel that “stop pushing’ means “stop contact” and stopping contact means you will grow apart.

1. “Stop pushing” means stop putting pressure on me

What he wants you to stop doing is pushing to get back together. You pushing just confirms what he said about you pushing him to do things he did not want to do.

When somebody says, “stop pushing”, stop pushing. It doesn’t mean he needs ‘space” or wants you to stop contacting him unless he specifically says that’s what he needs. It just means stop the behaviours that are making him feel pressured.

Someone who has been unhappy for a long time isn’t ready to jump back right in only two months later. Whether the happiness was from you pushing him, or from his own personal issues that have nothing to do with you, or both, he needs a break from feeling being unhappy.

A break from being unhappy and pretending to be happy means being able to be himself and being able to enjoy the connection you have without feeling pressured to get back together.

Whether that will make him happier, I don’t know. But at least it will give him the feeling that there’s no pressure and things are happening naturally.

2.  Letting things happen naturally means don’t force or manipulate it to happen

Everyone has their own definition of what it means to “let things happen naturally” or organically. What I understand it to mean is that things should happen with ease and effortlessness not force or pressure.

It doesn’t mean you should not put in any effort in trying to get back together, it just mean the effort you put in should feel effortless (not forced, stressful or trying too hard). Both of you should feel comfortable that things are what you want them to be and getting back together is the right decision for both of you.

Here are some things you can do to let things happen naturally.

1. Don’t push, don’t force ad don’t chase.

It seems that he is not against the idea of getting back together at some point, he just doesn’t want to be pushed to doing it. He may be thinking of all the other times when he has done something to make you happy but wasn’t happy about it. So for now, don’t again ask to get back together, at least not until you have created enough momentum for the answer to be a definite “yes” or even an optimistic “maybe”.

2. Keep the lines of communication open.

Nothing happens when you are not talking to each other. You can’t just sit back and do nothing and expect something to happen; even the plants in the Amazon forest that grow naturally need water and sunshine.

How often you talk depends on your ex and on their attachment style. If you are on good terms and have good communication, have a conversation about what is comfortable for both of you.

3. Work on strengthening your emotional connection and bond

Unhappiness in a relationship often means that there was/is an emotional disconnection. One or both people stopped checking in to see how the other was feeling. You stopped emotionally connecting with each other’s feelings and emotions on a regular basis.

Letting things happen naturally is consciously looking for opportunities to emotionally connect but not forcing it to happen. Do a site search on ’emotional connection”. There is a whole category on this topic alone.

4. Create new, happy and positive memories.

Constantly reminding your ex of old good memories is lazy and unimaginative. It is good to bring up good memories to remind your ex of what you had, but if all you have is “nostalgia”, you will come across as stuck in the past, after a while boring.

What’s new, what’s interesting, what’s exciting, and what’s happening NOW is what creates attraction.

5. Show your ex that you have changed.

Your ex needs to see and experience you as ‘not pushing”. He needs to see that you accept him for who he is, and can let him be himself. This seems to be very important to him.

Do a site search and you will find articles on how to show your ex you changed.

6. Make sure the timing is right.

Always make sure things feel comfortable at the stage you’re in. With an avoidant ex, you never want to rush, push, or jump ahead because that’s when their defenses come up. Before you ask for more or try to take things to the next stage, make sure the timing is right — meaning the connection feels easy, the communication is consistent, and they’re showing signs of openness. When the moment feels natural instead of forced, that’s what it means “letting things happen naturally”.

7. Take it easy (more fun, less work)

The word to keep in mind when you think of “letting things happen naturally” is effortlessness or ease. If you feel that you are working too hard to make things happen, you are not letting things happen naturally. The harder you work on trying to make a relationship happen, the less time you both have to enjoy it.

Focus on the journey (present moment) and not the destination (getting back together). As they say: If you take good care of the “present” or “the moment”, the future will take good care of itself.

RELATED:

10 Signs You’re Forcing A Relationship And Trying Too Hard

Signals That Make Avoidant Exes Feel You Genuinely Care