It’s NOT No Contact If You’re Respecting Your Ex’s Wish

Question: Yangki, it hurts too much to want to be in contact with your ex when he doesn’t want to be in contact with you. My ex asked not to contact him and wants total no contact for a couple of months. I want to respect his wish and NC is the right choice for me. I sent him a text telling him I respect his wish and will not attempt to contact him anymore. Do you think after a couple months he’ll miss me?

Yangki’s Answer: Technically you are not doing NC if the other person is the one asking for no contact.

No contact is when you are the one that initiates it.

In your case, you are not initiating or ‘choosing” not to contact him. He asked you not to contact him, and like you rightly said, you have no choice but to respect his wish.

If he hadn’t said a “couple of months”, I would have advised you to reach out sooner than later (but be very smart about it by taking note of his attachment style), but because he said a “couple of months” wait for him to contact you after a couple of months. If in a couple of months he has not contacted you, you can then reach out.

I don’t know if he will miss you or not. If you are using NC hoping that it is going to make him miss you, just keep in mind that it could go either way.

But if the intention here is to respect his wish (which is the right thing to do), then you should not worry about whether or not he’ll miss you. Part of “respecting other people’s wishes”, is being able to let go the need for a specific outcome:

  • He may miss you but choose not to contact you.
  • He may miss you and contact you in a couple of days, weeks or months.
  • He may not miss you and never contact you.

Keep all options open with no attachment to one specific outcome. Work on you and when he contacts you, you’re changed for the better.

You may even find that in a couple of months, you have moved on and no longer want contact or want to be just friends. Like I said, keep all options open.

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10 Comments

  • How do you respond to someone using such tactic on you? I am hurt and also very angry with this sort strategy applied on me to break me by the person I love. I miss him I want to go to him but I am angry at his behaviour including this no contact tactic. What I should do? leave it and wait or leave it , it is over

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  • Thank you Yangki for your quick response. I have been reading your articles and realize that I drove him to NC because I could not accept the breakup. You also mentioned that it takes two to create a relationship and two to destroy it, I have been blaming my ex for not giving me what I want but after spending time on your site, I can see how my behavior made him pull away and become more distant. I bought your It’s Just A Break-Up book to work on me. I can’t expect a better relationship if I am not better. Wish me luck!

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  • Relationships end for all sorts of reasons. Sometimes both people come to a decision together, and sometimes it is for the best. My ex said he was never in love with me and that’s why he was unhappy and distant, but stayed with me because I made him a better and more caring person. It hurts so much but it is much better than the alternative, being with someone who does not love you.

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    • I hear your pain… but you are right, it’s much better than the alternative.

      Anyone who makes others want to be more caring (in my book) is a special kind of person. I know it’s not much comfort, but may be that’s what this relationship was about. You were only there in his life to facilitate his growth into a better person. The person for you is waiting for you… and it’s only a matter of time.

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  • I did no contact for 10 weeks to get back my ex, which I did for 3 weeks! She left again and but reading through the articles, I realize that my intentions for using no contact were not good. I still love her and want her back, but I don’t know what else to do.

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    • Have you thought of contacting her and trying to slowly work things out instead of going for the “quick fix”?

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