It’s been said sex sells, but it’s more like sex fixes everything: horniness, loneliness, frustration, sadness, a headache, work stress, boredom, emotional vulnerability, low self esteem, guilt, a fight (especially that one!) etc. Things that have nothing at all to do with sex, let alone making love.
For many couples, sex is the “default approach” to handling relationship problems or a “solution” to a problem. Don’t seem to have much in common to talk about? Have sex. Don’t feel emotionally close? Have sex. Don’t communicate well? Have sex. The relationship is not working? Have more sex.
Using sex to shift the focus away from current problems in the relationship can be very tempting. In fact using sex to distract from relationship tension can be addictive. But as many couples will testify, sex doesn’t solve relationship problems. The problems will still be there after the groping, panting and sweating. Quite often more problems are created by the very act of trying to use sex to solve a problem.
You can’t bring all the emotional issues from your childhood and adolescence, problems in the relationship, from your ex, from work, from articles on perfecting orgasms, etc. to bed with you and have the audacity to be surprised that sex didn’t solve all your problems.
Couples who use sex to avoid dealing directly with issues in the relationship don’t stay together for very long. Most spend much of their time together being angry at each other. Many eventually lose the “sexual connection” or develop “sexual problems” which initially weren’t there. A man with pre-exisiting anxiety problems finds himself unable to have an erection. A woman with low-self esteem finds herself feeling sexually unattractive. Someone with anger issues or fear of abandonment becomes unbearably controlling, etc.
So the next time you have the urge to bonk away your relationship problem, ask yourself: “Am I creating many more problems or trying to solve one problem?”
Rather than rushing into sex every time you’re faced with a problem in the relationship, it is wise to put your efforts into trying to figure out what is causing stress in your relationship and resolving those problems – without using sex.
This makes far more sense than seeking a quick sex-fix that could lead to all kinds of “sexual problems” further down the line.