Is Your Ego Getting In The Way Of Getting Back Your Ex?

how-to-make-your-ex-feel-lovedAsk your ex to get back together too soon, and you’ll get “no” or “not now.” Drag it out too long and you end up in the friend zone.

But if you have a history of pushing too hard or being needy, you probably don’t know the pace that feels just right. Most of the time you just feel that you need to act, to do something.

Feeling that you NEED to take action (do/say something) comes from a place of fear. You unconsciously (or consciously) think that if you don’t take some action something negative will happen … she’ll lose interest… he’ll meet someone else… she’ll think you’re not into her… he’ll take you for granted etc.

You drive yourself crazy trying to figure out the exact right way to say/do something and “get a good/positive reaction”. But even after executing your carefully crafted words or calculated actions, you generally feel uneasy, anxious, worried, fearful… of something negative that’ll will happen. The more you keep trying the more nothing seems to work, and yet you can’t bring yourself to try something different, try a different approach.

To break the pattern of constantly feeling that you need to do something, constantly second guessing yourself, constantly being anxious, worried and fearful, you need to stop letting your ego direct what you say and how you act.

When our ego is leading the way, we interact with others from a place of hurt feelings, fear, resentment, suspicion, entitlement, anger etc, and what the ego considers love is different from what the other person interprets as love. We think we are showing them that we love them but what they feel is being smothered, controlled, belittled, etc. And because the ego is focused on itself (pride, hurt, fear, entitlement), you have no way of knowing what actions the other person considers love or what he/she wants you to do to feel loved. You just keep pushing your love towards them, and wonder why they don’t want it, or feel frustrated that the other person can’t see how much you love him/her.

When we stop letting the ego lead, we start to see things very differently. We are more open, better able to see the other person’s perspective, more understanding, more flexible, more present, and more loving.

And when it comes to attracting back your ex, coming from a place of love is probably the one most important thing you can do to increase your chances of getting back your ex.

Call it karma, call it the unspoken laws of love, love-based actions (free of the ego) create feelings of love.

Love-based actions are actions we take despite of what’s in it for us.

For example, when your ex says they want to be left alone, the ego will not accept your ex’s request because the ego is about itself. It finds ways that feed itself to explain not only what your ex means but what your ex really needs. That is despite the fact that your ex has clearly told you, they want to be left alone or they need you not to contact them.

A love-based action in this case would be to respect your ex’s wish and let them be. The small act of respecting your ex’s wish creates positive energy which your ex will feel as love. It may not be your idea of love or what you think is the right thing to do, but if it’s what your ex needs to feel love, then it is love to them.

There are many ways you can create feelings of love without trying so hard to do something, anything.

You can create feelings of love by simply being present in your conversations (see my article: 10 Emotions Your Ex Needs To Feel).

You can also create feelings of love by co-creating a vision together for the type of relationship you both want. Instead of telling your ex, “I want you to feel loved”, ask him/her what feeling loved means for him/her, and how you can make that happen.

Another way you can create feelings of love is by being supportive of their dreams, interest or whatever it is they are currently going through, even if it does not include you.

In fact you can completely change your whole relationship simply by moving from acting from ego to acting from love.

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  1. says: Jill

    I am guilty of acting out of fear instead of love. I think it is love and I don’t care about the response (my ex sometimes responds, but not always) but then I find myself thinking “Oh I should reach out again” if we haven’t talked for a few days for fear of him forgetting about me or moving on.

    I’m trying to shift this thinking, but unsure of specifics on how to do it. Does your ebook get into examples or specific ways to communicate out of a place of love instead of fear?

    1. The only thing I know creates the kind of love that’s without fear (which is what drives people to play mind games, hide their feelings and act needy and clingy) is love.

      That’s why my book is not just about getting your ex back the process of creating a loving fulfilling relationship where you failed before.

      In short YES!

  2. says: SadeX

    Such an insighful post. Not being my true self cost me the love of my life. She fell in love with the aloof version I presented to her and when I told her I was falling in love with her, she felt let down. Said she wasn’t looking for a serious relationship and felt I was needy because I was asking for what she was unable to give to me. Also said she didn’t know me anymore and asked who I really was.

    1. I’m happy for you that you are owning and accepting the deception you set up by pretending to be someone you weren’t. Taking responsibility for your own actions (rather than blaming yourself for what has already happened) is a good place to start healing and a launching pad for personal growth.

      It’ll be a shame if you do not learn from your past.

  3. says: david

    I wasn’t loved as a child (verbally abused horribly) and feel the anxiety from that every single day. I have been working on self-love and self-acceptance for a long time now (I am now 44 with past girlfriends, but they all resulted in sex-anxiety and anxious/preoccupation issues that pushed those girls away.

    I am scared that I have such deep seeded issues that I can’t get to them. I cry practically every day about my inability to make and keep friends because of my issues. I can’t afford therapy and when I did go to therapy, I could never connect with he doctor.

    Are there some people (like me) who are so far damaged that any chance of reversal are slim to none? I read a lot of self help books and am working very hard, but I always fall back into numbness and detachment. I’m horrible at socializing and usually its aggressive, damaged girls that pursue me, so I find them that way (they are the worst for my attachment type). What should I do?

    1. I’m saddened reading your story. No one should have to feel this way. Yes, there are people like you everywhere, more than you can possibly imagine. I know that’s no comfort, but just know you’re not alone and nothing is so wrong with you despite everything your abusers might have told you.

      Your challenges need professional support, beyond what a relationship coach is trained/mandated to provide. Reading self-help books is good, but I personally believe you’d do much better working with someone who can provide you with specialized/individually tailored help. A good therapist/counsellor may be able to help you work through the childhood issues preventing you from experiencing the love you seek — and need.

      Without meaning to pile on someone who has been beat down so many times already, I personally believe that any change to your experiences begins and ends with YOU. Yes, you may have had a crappy childhood which you are not personally responsible for, but you are 100% responsible for how you allow or not allow this experience to define and control your life. Most people in this situation, act as if they are helpless to change anything — and most times they are — not because they can’t change things but because it’s easier to blame someone, something outside oneself than to face the responsibility for change.

      It all starts with learning response- ability! Once you own this, it’s yours to change (and change you will). But as long as you still make it someone else’s, they own it and they own you.

      I wish I could’ve been of more help but I’m just a relationship coach.

  4. says: Simeon

    I have recently lost someone who I loved but was unable to show it. We ran on the back foot from the get go, as I was unable to let go of an ex who had betrayed me and hurt me very badly. My recent ex tried to ‘save’ me (her mistake) and that drove me away and get me distancing. After a number of splits initiated by her, i ended it last spring, but then regretted it. I saw that she was really a lovely woman, but I saw it too late. I am now in analysis trying to get to the bottom of my fears, my anxiety and to heal that terrible hole in my heart that has ruined all my relationships. My ex is with someone else now, and seems to be really happy and it is such a pain to lose her but I have to suck it up and use this to grow. I am practicsing being open with some new girls I have met, telling them where I’m at and speaking from the heart and so far it’s only having positive reactions. I can see that revealing who I am doesn’t make someone run for the hills! haha

    And yes, it takes losing someone you really love to finally say ‘enough’! I hope one day I might have another chance with my ex, but I can’t hope for it anymore, and must let go and move on. Thanks for this great website.

    1. Are you sure it’s not the other way round… If you love WITH fear then you’re not loving with all your heart.

      There many ancient teachings and even current schools of thought that say that love and fear are the only true wholesome emotions and all other emotions are just sub-emotions of these two. Moreover these wholesome emotions are the exact opposite of the other — and can not co-exist. One drives the other way!

      I think that if you love with fear, you deprive yourself of the whole experience of love because you’re holding back part of yourself.