Is Your Ego Getting In The Way Of Getting Back Your Ex?

how-to-make-your-ex-feel-lovedAsk your ex to get back together too soon, and you’ll get “no” or “not now.” Drag it out too long and you end up in the friend zone.

But if you have a history of pushing too hard or being needy, you probably don’t know the pace that feels just right. Most of the time you just feel that you need to act, to do something.

Feeling that you NEED to take action (do/say something) comes from a place of fear. You unconsciously (or consciously) think that if you don’t take some action something negative will happen … she’ll lose interest… he’ll meet someone else… she’ll think you’re not into her… he’ll take you for granted etc.

You drive yourself crazy trying to figure out the exact right way to say/do something and “get a good/positive reaction”. But even after executing your carefully crafted words or calculated actions, you generally feel uneasy, anxious, worried, fearful… of something negative that’ll will happen. The more you keep trying the more nothing seems to work, and yet you can’t bring yourself to try something different, try a different approach.

To break the pattern of constantly feeling that you need to do something, constantly second guessing yourself, constantly being anxious, worried and fearful, you need to stop letting your ego direct what you say and how you act.

When our ego is leading the way, we interact with others from a place of hurt feelings, fear, resentment, suspicion, entitlement, anger etc, and what the ego considers love is different from what the other person interprets as love. We think we are showing them that we love them but what they feel is being smothered, controlled, belittled, etc. And because the ego is focused on itself (pride, hurt, fear, entitlement), you have no way of knowing what actions the other person considers love or what he/she wants you to do to feel loved. You just keep pushing your love towards them, and wonder why they don’t want it, or feel frustrated that the other person can’t see how much you love him/her.

When we stop letting the ego lead, we start to see things very differently. We are more open, better able to see the other person’s perspective, more understanding, more flexible, more present, and more loving.

And when it comes to attracting back your ex, coming from a place of love is probably the one most important thing you can do to increase your chances of getting back your ex.

Call it karma, call it the unspoken laws of love, love-based actions (free of the ego) create feelings of love.

Love-based actions are actions we take despite of what’s in it for us.

For example, when your ex says they want to be left alone, the ego will not accept your ex’s request because the ego is about itself. It finds ways that feed itself to explain not only what your ex means but what your ex really needs. That is despite the fact that your ex has clearly told you, they want to be left alone or they need you not to contact them.

A love-based action in this case would be to respect your ex’s wish and let them be. The small act of respecting your ex’s wish creates positive energy which your ex will feel as love. It may not be your idea of love or what you think is the right thing to do, but if it’s what your ex needs to feel love, then it is love to them.

There are many ways you can create feelings of love without trying so hard to do something, anything.

You can create feelings of love by simply being present in your conversations (see my article: 10 Emotions Your Ex Needs To Feel).

You can also create feelings of love by co-creating a vision together for the type of relationship you both want. Instead of telling your ex, “I want you to feel loved”, ask him/her what feeling loved means for him/her, and how you can make that happen.

Another way you can create feelings of love is by being supportive of their dreams, interest or whatever it is they are currently going through, even if it does not include you.

In fact you can completely change your whole relationship simply by moving from acting from ego to acting from love.

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  1. says: Sarah

    I love all your advice and articles, very helpful.

    I’ve certainly made love mistakes 1 & 2 and only recently began a journey of being genuine and acting from conscious and integrity in my relationships with others especially in my romantic/sexual relationships. It’s hard work. I have so many insecurities that it’s sometimes easier to be alone than face my insecurities, feelings of unworthiness and powerlessness.

    1. says: Love Doctor, Yangki Akiteng

      It’s sad to read that you feel that it’s better to be alone when that’s not what you really want. I think I speak for many when I say “‘we all” have or at least had some kind of insecurity at any one point in our lives. It’s a lot of work going into ourselves and dealing with what is stopping us from living the lives and relationships we were meant to live but it’s very worth it. The most important thing is to get started and keep working on it. Not easy but it’s possible and doable! Giving up and accepting that being alone is better should not be an option, if that’s NOT what you want.

  2. says: Ingrid

    I am currently reading your e-book and it’s so helpful thank you! I made many mistakes and with the help of your book and articles am learning how to act out of love. I contacted my ex, he broke up with me, and we had our first lunch date yesterday. We had fun fun and it ended by him saying we should do this more often. I admit I was hoping for a text today from him saying it was nice seeing me but I went back to your book and realized I was reacting out of fear that he wouldn’t contact me ever again! I will follow your suggestions and wait to contact him again.