Question: Is my ego getting in the way of make any real progress to get my ex back or is my ex’s ego hurt so badly that he will not let me?
Both my ex and I have big egos and held back from expressing how we truly felt about the other. After a year together we broke up; but we both have so much pride that for along time we pretended the breakup was mutual. After reading many of your articles I decided I wanted to get back together and recreate the attraction between us. I have also been doing some online courses to better myself.
We text every few days and he initiate some of the conversations, but I feel like we’re not making any real progress. I think that my ex’s ego hurt so badly that he will not let me in fully, and sometimes I wonder if my desire to “get him back” is motivated by my ego. Do think we have a chance given we both have big egos?
Yangki’s Answer: Egos can get in the way of making any real progress to get my ex back an ex; and you are righ to be worried about both of your egos.
1. The ego is afraid of deep emotions and feelings
The ego prefers to keep emotions and feelings on a surface level because if can’t handle them if they are too deep. Instead it interacts with others from a place of hurt feelings, fear, resentment, suspicion, entitlement, anger etc.
You find that what the ego considers love is different from what the other person interprets as love. You think we are showing them that you love them; but what they feel is resentment, suspicion, entitlement, anger, controlled, belittled, etc.
And because the ego is focused on itself (pride, hurt, fear, entitlement), you have no way of knowing what actions your ex considers love or what they want to feel loved. You just keep pushing your ego-driven love on your ex and wonder why they don’t want it; and feel frustrated that your ex can’t see how much you love them.
2. The ego fears not having or doing something
Feeling that you need to do/say something comes from a place of fear. You unconsciously (or consciously) think that if you don’t take some action something negative will happen; Your ex will lose interest, meet someone else, feel unloved, take you for granted etc.
You drive yourself crazy trying to figure out the exact right way to say/do something and “get a good/positive reaction”. But even after executing your carefully crafted words or calculated actions, you generally feel uneasy, anxious, worried, fearful of something negative that’ll will happen. The more you keep trying the more nothing seems to work.
3. The ego needs anxiety to survive
Anxiety gets in the way of attracting back your ex. Sometimes the ego creates unnecessary conflict, drama, arguments or disagreements because needs negative situations so it can have something to do, something to worry about, or something to complain about.
For example, for weeks and even months you wanted to see your ex; and when you ex finally agrees to meeting in person, you tell your ex you’re busy and can’t see them. The meeting never happens because your ego got in the way. A few days later, you text your ex asking to meet, and your ex doesn’t respond; or responds to say they’re unavailable. You created unnecessary negative situation and now have to worry about pushing your ex further away; and/or complain about your ex not wanting to meet.
To stop the ego from getting in the way of getting back your ex, you need to let go the need for things being in a specific way or getting a specific outcome. As they say, “love doesn’t happen in a straight line”; trying to get back together with an ex doesn’t happen in a straight line.
When we stop letting the ego get in the way, we start to see things very differently. We are more open, better able to see the other person’s perspective, more understanding, more flexible, more present, and more loving.
And when it comes to attracting back your ex, coming from a place of love is probably the one most important thing you can do to increase your chances of getting back your ex. Call it karma, call it the unspoken laws of love, love-based actions (free of the ego) create feelings of love.
7 Ways You’re Ruining Your Chances With Your Ex
I love all your advice and articles, very helpful.
I’ve certainly made love mistakes 1 & 2 and only recently began a journey of being genuine and acting from conscious and integrity in my relationships with others especially in my romantic/sexual relationships. It’s hard work. I have so many insecurities that it’s sometimes easier to be alone than face my insecurities, feelings of unworthiness and powerlessness.
It’s sad to read that you feel that it’s better to be alone when that’s not what you really want. I think I speak for many when I say “‘we all” have or at least had some kind of insecurity at any one point in our lives. It’s a lot of work going into ourselves and dealing with what is stopping us from living the lives and relationships we were meant to live but it’s very worth it. The most important thing is to get started and keep working on it. Not easy but it’s possible and doable! Giving up and accepting that being alone is better should not be an option, if that’s NOT what you want.
I am currently reading your e-book and it’s so helpful thank you! I made many mistakes and with the help of your book and articles am learning how to act out of love. I contacted my ex, he broke up with me, and we had our first lunch date yesterday. We had fun fun and it ended by him saying we should do this more often. I admit I was hoping for a text today from him saying it was nice seeing me but I went back to your book and realized I was reacting out of fear that he wouldn’t contact me ever again! I will follow your suggestions and wait to contact him again.
I’m glad you’re finding the eBook helpful. Also glad that you saw your own thinking and self-corrected. I wish you all the best.
I am guilty of acting out of fear instead of love. I think it is love and I don’t care about the response (my ex sometimes responds, but not always) but then I find myself thinking “Oh I should reach out again” if we haven’t talked for a few days for fear of him forgetting about me or moving on.
I’m trying to shift this thinking, but unsure of specifics on how to do it. Does your ebook get into examples or specific ways to communicate out of a place of love instead of fear?
The only thing I know creates the kind of love that’s without fear (which is what drives people to play mind games, hide their feelings and act needy and clingy) is love.
That’s why my book is not just about getting your ex back the process of creating a loving fulfilling relationship where you failed before.
In short YES!
Such an insighful post. Not being my true self cost me the love of my life. She fell in love with the aloof version I presented to her and when I told her I was falling in love with her, she felt let down. Said she wasn’t looking for a serious relationship and felt I was needy because I was asking for what she was unable to give to me. Also said she didn’t know me anymore and asked who I really was.
I’m happy for you that you are owning and accepting the deception you set up by pretending to be someone you weren’t. Taking responsibility for your own actions (rather than blaming yourself for what has already happened) is a good place to start healing and a launching pad for personal growth.
It’ll be a shame if you do not learn from your past.
I wasn’t loved as a child (verbally abused horribly) and feel the anxiety from that every single day. I have been working on self-love and self-acceptance for a long time now (I am now 44 with past girlfriends, but they all resulted in sex-anxiety and anxious/preoccupation issues that pushed those girls away.
I am scared that I have such deep seeded issues that I can’t get to them. I cry practically every day about my inability to make and keep friends because of my issues. I can’t afford therapy and when I did go to therapy, I could never connect with he doctor.
Are there some people (like me) who are so far damaged that any chance of reversal are slim to none? I read a lot of self help books and am working very hard, but I always fall back into numbness and detachment. I’m horrible at socializing and usually its aggressive, damaged girls that pursue me, so I find them that way (they are the worst for my attachment type). What should I do?
I’m saddened reading your story. No one should have to feel this way. Yes, there are people like you everywhere, more than you can possibly imagine. I know that’s no comfort, but just know you’re not alone and nothing is so wrong with you despite everything your abusers might have told you.
Your challenges need professional support, beyond what a relationship coach is trained/mandated to provide. Reading self-help books is good, but I personally believe you’d do much better working with someone who can provide you with specialized/individually tailored help. A good therapist/counsellor may be able to help you work through the childhood issues preventing you from experiencing the love you seek — and need.
Without meaning to pile on someone who has been beat down so many times already, I personally believe that any change to your experiences begins and ends with YOU. Yes, you may have had a crappy childhood which you are not personally responsible for, but you are 100% responsible for how you allow or not allow this experience to define and control your life. Most people in this situation, act as if they are helpless to change anything — and most times they are — not because they can’t change things but because it’s easier to blame someone, something outside oneself than to face the responsibility for change.
It all starts with learning response- ability! Once you own this, it’s yours to change (and change you will). But as long as you still make it someone else’s, they own it and they own you.
I wish I could’ve been of more help but I’m just a relationship coach.
I have recently lost someone who I loved but was unable to show it. We ran on the back foot from the get go, as I was unable to let go of an ex who had betrayed me and hurt me very badly. My recent ex tried to ‘save’ me (her mistake) and that drove me away and get me distancing. After a number of splits initiated by her, i ended it last spring, but then regretted it. I saw that she was really a lovely woman, but I saw it too late. I am now in analysis trying to get to the bottom of my fears, my anxiety and to heal that terrible hole in my heart that has ruined all my relationships. My ex is with someone else now, and seems to be really happy and it is such a pain to lose her but I have to suck it up and use this to grow. I am practicsing being open with some new girls I have met, telling them where I’m at and speaking from the heart and so far it’s only having positive reactions. I can see that revealing who I am doesn’t make someone run for the hills! haha
And yes, it takes losing someone you really love to finally say ‘enough’! I hope one day I might have another chance with my ex, but I can’t hope for it anymore, and must let go and move on. Thanks for this great website.
I dont think anyone can ever love without fear. If you love without fear then you’re not loving with all your heart.
Are you sure it’s not the other way round… If you love WITH fear then you’re not loving with all your heart.
There many ancient teachings and even current schools of thought that say that love and fear are the only true wholesome emotions and all other emotions are just sub-emotions of these two. Moreover these wholesome emotions are the exact opposite of the other — and can not co-exist. One drives the other way!
I think that if you love with fear, you deprive yourself of the whole experience of love because you’re holding back part of yourself.