Is Your Ego Getting In The Way Of Getting Back Your Ex?

Question: Is my ego getting in the way of make any real progress to get my ex back or is my ex’s ego hurt so badly that he will not let me?

Both my ex and I have big egos and held back from expressing how we truly felt about the other. After a year together we broke up; but we both have so much pride that for along time we pretended the breakup was mutual. After reading many of your articles I decided I wanted to get back together and recreate the attraction between us. I have also been doing some online courses to better myself.

We text every few days and he initiate some of the conversations, but I feel like we’re not making any real progress. I think that my ex’s ego hurt so badly that he will not let me in fully, and sometimes I wonder if my desire to “get him back” is motivated by my ego. Do think we have a chance given we both have big egos?

Yangki’s Answer: Egos can get in the way of making any real progress to get my ex back an ex; and you are righ to be worried about both of your egos.

1. The ego is afraid of deep emotions and feelings

The ego prefers to keep emotions and feelings on a surface level because if can’t handle them if they are too deep. Instead it interacts with others from a place of hurt feelings, fear, resentment, suspicion, entitlement, anger etc.

You find that what the ego considers love is different from what the other person interprets as love. You think we are showing them that you love them; but what they feel is resentment, suspicion, entitlement, anger, controlled, belittled, etc.

And because the ego is focused on itself (pride, hurt, fear, entitlement), you have no way of knowing what actions your ex considers love or what they want to feel loved. You just keep pushing your ego-driven love on your ex and wonder why they don’t want it; and feel frustrated that your ex can’t see how much you love them.

2. The ego fears not having or doing something

Feeling that you need to do/say something comes from a place of fear. You unconsciously (or consciously) think that if you don’t take some action something negative will happen; Your ex will lose interest, meet someone else, feel unloved, take you for granted etc.

You drive yourself crazy trying to figure out the exact right way to say/do something and “get a good/positive reaction”. But even after executing your carefully crafted words or calculated actions, you generally feel uneasy, anxious, worried, fearful of something negative that’ll will happen. The more you keep trying the more nothing seems to work.

3. The ego needs anxiety to survive

Anxiety gets in the way of attracting back your ex. Sometimes the ego creates unnecessary conflict, drama, arguments or disagreements because needs negative situations so it can have something to do, something to worry about, or something to complain about.

For example, for weeks and even months you wanted to see your ex; and when you ex finally agrees to meeting in person, you tell your ex you’re busy and can’t see them. The meeting never happens because your ego got in the way. A few days later, you text your ex asking to meet, and your ex doesn’t respond; or responds to say they’re unavailable. You created unnecessary negative situation and now have to worry about pushing your ex further away; and/or complain about your ex not wanting to meet.

To stop the ego from getting in the way of getting back your ex, you need to let go the need for things being in a specific way or getting a specific outcome. As they say, “love doesn’t happen in a straight line”; trying to get back together with an ex doesn’t happen in a straight line.

When we stop letting the ego get in the way, we start to see things very differently. We are more open, better able to see the other person’s perspective, more understanding, more flexible, more present, and more loving.

And when it comes to attracting back your ex, coming from a place of love is probably the one most important thing you can do to increase your chances of getting back your ex. Call it karma, call it the unspoken laws of love, love-based actions (free of the ego) create feelings of love.


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  1. says: Sarah

    I love all your advice and articles, very helpful.

    I’ve certainly made love mistakes 1 & 2 and only recently began a journey of being genuine and acting from conscious and integrity in my relationships with others especially in my romantic/sexual relationships. It’s hard work. I have so many insecurities that it’s sometimes easier to be alone than face my insecurities, feelings of unworthiness and powerlessness.

    1. says: Love Doctor, Yangki Akiteng

      It’s sad to read that you feel that it’s better to be alone when that’s not what you really want. I think I speak for many when I say “‘we all” have or at least had some kind of insecurity at any one point in our lives. It’s a lot of work going into ourselves and dealing with what is stopping us from living the lives and relationships we were meant to live but it’s very worth it. The most important thing is to get started and keep working on it. Not easy but it’s possible and doable! Giving up and accepting that being alone is better should not be an option, if that’s NOT what you want.

  2. says: Ingrid

    I am currently reading your e-book and it’s so helpful thank you! I made many mistakes and with the help of your book and articles am learning how to act out of love. I contacted my ex, he broke up with me, and we had our first lunch date yesterday. We had fun fun and it ended by him saying we should do this more often. I admit I was hoping for a text today from him saying it was nice seeing me but I went back to your book and realized I was reacting out of fear that he wouldn’t contact me ever again! I will follow your suggestions and wait to contact him again.