Question: She felt unhappy in the relationship and needed to find her own happiness. I did not contact her for a month to give her space. Last week, I contacted her and tried to convince her that we can make it work. She now says that we’re not right for each other and there is a thing for her that is just not going away. She says she’ll miss me, but she also knows that she needs to finally listen to her own heart and more than she listens to me. She also says we can be friends but if I keep bringing up getting back together, she might end up hating me. I don’t even know if she really knows what she wants or if she’s just being selfish. I know that women want a man who does not give up. Am I in denial wanting her back or is there hope she might change her mind?
Yangki’s Answer: This is a really tough one especially because I’m a strong advocate of “do everything possible to make it work before you decide the relationship is really over.” But I fully understand and appreciate where she’s coming from. She has every right to want to be happy. I don’t think it’s selfish at all.
There are many instances when as ex changes her (or his) mind even after saying you’re not right for each other and it’s best to go your separate ways. It’s however hard for someone to change her mind if deep down inside she’s convinced that you just don’t fit the bill for what she wants in a partner, and even harder if they are making a decision based on a feeling. It would have helped if se told you what “a thing for her that is just not going away” is. It will help you see if it’s something you can do something about or if its something you can’t do anything about.
And you may be right that she doesn’t know what she wants, and there may be other things going on in her life that you are not seeing or she is not allowing you to see, but she’s made it clear she knows who she doesn’t want to be with right now.
My advice is for you to listen to her and give her the space she wants. You can’t force her back into a relationship with you. And while there is some truth to women (and men) finding someone who does not easily give up appealing, that’s only if they want you not to give up. This woman obviously wants you to give up and sitting in limbo hoping she changes her mind keeps you hanging in anxiety. And the more time passes the more anxious you’ll get.
Take the hint and move on. No need to act like you don’t care or like you now hate her or cut off all contact (unless you really feel it’s the only way you can get over her and move on). May be in the future when she’s found her own happiness – and if you’re still single – something can happen. But for now take care of yourself.
I got as far as contact her after 90 days. She wrote back saying she is in a relationship and does not want me to contact her. For her it was over when we broke up. I can’t completely say it is net loss, I got to improve myself and now just have to find someone to SHOW it to.
I’m sorry things did not go as you planned it. But you are right, it isn’t a complete loss.
“No contact” worked EXACTLY the way it is meant to. You used it to heal and improve yourself for the NEXT relationship.
All the very best — in your NEXT relationship!
I had it all figured out. No contact for 60 days, no text, Facebook, whatever. Completely drop off the face of the Earth. Spend this time improving myself considerably AND be perfectly happy on MY own, and not NEED her. Then after 60 days contact her and ask her to have coffee or a walk in the park (she likes that); something light hearted and very casual. Have fun and stay in the moments, not mention the old relationship. Go on a few more dates and SHOW her I have changed. Let things progress.
Yangki, my ex and I broke up in Feb and after reading your book and a lot of hard work we got back together in August. Two months later though I found it hard to deal with my paranoia and trust issues and he broke up with me again. I’m heartbroken – it’s happened again because of my crazy behaviour! He told me not to contact him again. Do you have advice or should I just leave it now?
If he doesn’t want contact, there is not much you can DO.
Use the time that he wants no contact to really work on yourself this time. If at some point you feel like contacting him, reach out to him. You should only do this when you know that you have worked on your issues. I strongly recommend working with a professional. Most people do it on their own and think that they have gotten rid of the crazy behaviour, only for it to show up again once they get into a relationship.
If he gives you another chance again, he may not be so open next time.
This happened to me three months ago. I gave her space but remained friendly, sending her an email here and a joke there. Sometimes I got a response and sometimes nothing. When her dad was in hospital I visited with him and she said she saw how much I cared. So three months of this and four nights ago I got a call asking me if we could meet up. I don’t know what this means, this is why I’m searching the internet for how I should handle this.
My advice is give her space but don’t act like you don’t care.
Just recently got back in contact with my ex. We’ve had nice chats and laughs. But something she said bothers me. She said that there will always be a place for me in her heart even if we were apart. Does this mean she has moved on?
Moved on or moving on. Sounds like she’s warning you not to read too much into the nice chats. She doesn’t want you to get your hopes up and hurt you again.
Helpful post on getting your girlfriend back in your life!
madmax…
anything change?
same boat as you, i dated her for close to 2 years, i did take her for granted and i was also selfish.. she said she wanted to be friends, but i ended up telling her i loved her and that i couldnt be friends because she would remind me of all the mistakes i have made and i asked her not to contact me… if she does or not i will move on, but i think of her everyday, and im depressed all the time, i find no joy in the things i used to..
well i took her for granted i was too selfish,eventhough its been almost 18 months i havent gived up,i think i owe her that much,we get along great but she is ignoring me now something she never did before
mine told me i should move on and date other women,dont know what to do
What to do depends on a lot of things – what kind of relationship you had, why you broke up, what you’ve done to try to get your ex back, if your ex still has feelings for you and why she is now saying you should date other women.
Without details (and I’m not asking that you provide those details here, this is not what the blog is for), I can only suggest you read my post – My Ex Says I Should Move On and Date Other Women
l got the same situation. If she really cares she will come back until then go hang out with your friends and family.
I’ve tried to improve in my own life and become a better person for the long haul, but my ex says he just can’t see how being with me will be different this time and he says he wants to see if there is someone else out there he is better with. What else can i do? Should i still stay friends?
Hi Kimmie, you’ve posted about your ex on just every single article I’ve written for the last 2 months even when it has nothing to do with “an ex” or the questions you’re asking. I’ve tried to answer most of your questions, and I really want to continue to be of help, but it’s important that I keep the blog relevant, useful and user friendly otherwise, it’ll become just another “forum”. Please kindly read the instructions on getting a response to your question in the “Ask a Question” page above.
PS: I’ve really loving this new theme. I downloaded it after seeing it here.
I’ve been in the same situation as you. It helped me move on faster knowing that if it was meant to be we would get back together. We live in the same town and still see each other, she’s friendly and nice to me but I’m not putting my life on hold waiting for her. Not seeing anyone in particular but if the opportunity arose, I’d explore it.
Hi, I think it would be better if you would give your ex time to think about what she really wants. Your presence and the idea of getting back might still be not she wants at this point but giving her space may help her think straight and give the relationship a second chance.