Is Texting Your Ex XOXO (Hugs And Kisses) Needy?

is-texting-your-ex-xoxo-hugs-and-kisses-needyIs it okay to end a text to your ex with “xoxo” or will that come across as needy?

For those of you who don’t know, “XOXO” means hugs and kisses. “X” is a hug and “O” is a kiss.

In the texting world, sending “xoxo” or just “xo” to someone means that you are fond of them. It is considered warm and friendly. Sometimes it means appreciation; as if you are hugging them for something they did for you.

In the dating world, “xoxo” and “xo” means that you are interested in someone in a romantic way; and you want them to know you’re thinking about them fondly.

With an ex you are trying to get back, sending “xoxo” can mean anything

Just like calling your ex “babe”, “honey” or by the pet name that you used when you were together, ending a text to your ex with “xoxo” is a gray area.

Whether or not to use “xoxo” depends on what kind of relationship you had. If both of you were openly expressive and generous with your affections then saying “xoxo” will not raise any “needy” red flags. Your ex will know that’s just you being you.

Your ex may or may not attach any specific meaning to it, but it won’t make you come cross as needy; and it won’t hurt your chances.

Use “xoxo” (hugs and kisses) discerningly

But if “xoxo” is something both of you used sparingly; for example to express affection, or only to express specific feelings, then it’s best to wait until your ex has warmed up and/or those specific feelings are once again there.

If you have concerns that your well-intended words will be misinterpreted, then let your ex take the lead. When they use it, you use it too. If they don’t, you don’t either. The same goes for all terms of endearment and pet names.

This goes for giving your ex compliments or using ‘sweet talk” as one Italian reader said in a comment. I wrote an article on if it’s okay to compliment your ex and the link is at the bottom of this article.

Using flattery or sweet-talk is considered a nice gesture

Flattery or sweet-talk is when you talk to someone in a good-humoured or good-natured way because you want them to do something, allow you to do something, or believe something.

I know. Some people say they hate the word “flattery”, and to even suggest that one should do it makes them shudder with disgust.

It’s more of a cultural thing. As someone who comes a culture where flattery or sweet-talk is the currency of daily interactions; I can understand why the word “flattery” rubs some people the wrong way. Many people who use flattery are either insincere or trying to manipulate you to get something. That would rub me the wrong way too.

Flattery or sweet-talk doesn’t have to be insincere

When used the right way, it can quickly warm up positive emotions and move things along more pleasantly.

For example saying “You look gorgeous” is surely better than pretending you don’t notice how much effort the person put into looking good. By offering positive reinforcement, you are not only making the person feel good about herself, you are also taking the small extra effort to actually show the person that you care about how she feels.

She may come back with “I don’t have my make-up on”. And you can then respond with “You still look good”. But when you say “I couldn’t even tell you did not have make-up on” or “You look like you have make-up on”, you’ve crossed over to insincerity.

So yes, use flattery in conversations with your ex, but be sincere about it

Using flattery or sweet talk for personal gain has its own “come back to bite your ass” consequences. You can’t get round using flattery to always get what you want without starting to feel empty, phoney, lonely and depressed. You can never genuinely and deeply connect with others if you are manipulating their feelings.

Recognizing situations where texting your ex “xoxo” or using flattery or sweet talk is appropriate is very important.


Does Complimenting Your Ex Come Across As Needy?

How to Talk About Your Needs And Feelings Without Being Needy

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