Extensive evidence says that both men and women form a schema of “sexy” according to media and fashion stereotypes about sexiness. They first look for men/women who fit media and fashion model stereotypes, because that’s what we’ve been told sexiness is; then start realizing that’s not where the sexiness is.
So where is the sexiness? But before we get to that, where isn’t the sexiness?
Not in good looks – It’s true that some people are born better looking than others and that mere fact makes them more noticeable compared to those of us not born with great looks. But study after study shows that sexy people are not any more good looking or better dressed than the average looking person. Sexiness goes beyond conventional good looks and certainly beyond Prada and Amani. Some good looking, well dressed people can be lookers, but hardly “sexy”.
Not in trying too hard – Sexiness is something that you either have or you don’t. Any trying too hard to be sexy can be the unsexiest thing there is, especially if it’s uselessly and needlessly out-there. If it looks like you spent hours on it or if you are working it too hard, it can seem like a flat detail on a painting — precisely done for no added value. It is the sheer effortless and easy nonchalance with which genuinely sexy people achieve their sexiness that makes them sexy. They never try to be sexy, they just are sexy.
Not in second guessing – Regardless of whether you have good looks or not, if you do not believe deep down inside that you’re “sexy” – you are not. You can pretend for the real or imagined “cameras” (hey, look at me, I’m trying to do sexy, but I feel like shit) but if you are posing just to appear sexy, it’s not sexy.
Not in age – They say beauty wears thin but sexiness increases with age. As you will see below, a lot of what constitutes sexy is really how we communicate our inner confidence and inner youthfulness to others. You can fool some people some of the time but you can’t fool all people all of the time. The attempt to fool people into believing you’re younger than you are just makes you appear less confident about your inner beauty – which is your inner youthfulness.
If sexiness is not in any of the usual suspects, what is it about some people that we can’t help but be drawn to their magic, even if only in small doses?
Let’s look at just ten qualities that these people have in common, qualities that intrigue us, that seem to calls us by name, and taunt us with fantasies …
1. The look of mischief – a look that has laughter and delight in the eyes. They have a touch of untamed naughtiness under their omniscient gaze – a window to the soul.
2. Sophisticated mysteriousness –elegant yet edgy, rugged but still polished, friendly yet reserved. They posses a sort of “captivating unknown” or “dissonance” that keeps our “want to know” minds on edge.
3. Relaxed vulnerability – a kind of carefree childlike fearlessness. They put themselves out there partly because they feel secure enough to just be themselves.
4. Self-assured confidence – fundamental ease in their own skin. They stride into a room with poised surety that their aura compels us to notice them.
5. Wit and Humour – wise, funny and generous with their time and their presence. They can cheer up mundane situations and experiences.
6. Lavish sensuousness – a peculiar mingling of voluptuous pleasure and vibrant soulfulness. They are in every bit immersed in the depth and richness of their beingness.
7. Health and abundance – physical fitness, resources, abilities. Whatever they have, they are content and that makes it look like they have it in plenty
8. Heartfelt sincerity – genuineness, simplicity, openness. They show strong and authentic emotions and affection.
9. Exuberant vitality – passion, intensity, drive, bounce – that reveals both the fire and desire within. They are positively overflowing with genuine appetite for life – and for living.
10. Human warmth – kindness, compassion, approachability. They are interested in others and are interesting themselves.
The good news is that, these are all qualities that we all have within – some in smaller amounts than others. The REALLY good news is that it’s not that hard at all to develop these qualities to fully blossoming levels. All we have to do is remove the mental, emotional, social and spiritual blocks obscuring what is our innate radiance. Innate radiance? Hmm, in this sense we can say sexiness is in everybody’s DNA.