Fearful Avoidant Ex Keeping You Around As An Option

Question: Is my fearful avoidant ex is keeping me around as an option?

I read in your articles that just because a fearful avoidant is in a new relationship doesn’t always mean you do not have a chance. My fearful avoidant ex has been seeing someone for the last 4 months. This is his second relationship after we broke up over a year ago. We have kept in touch on-and-off since the breakup, and both of us reach out first. We are open to each other about who we are going out with and he says he wants what is best for me even if it’s not him. But something is different about this relationship, they’re both neurodivergent (I’m not), into anime (I’m not) and she seems secure. He’s told me she handles arguments and conflict very well (I didn’t) and is never upset when he deactivates (I would get upset). The only thing he’s told me he doesn’t like about the relationship is that it’s long distance. Her job doesn’t give her much time to travel, so he’s been the one going to see her and he’s very bothered by this. He says it’s put a strain on their relationship and I can see that he’s struggling. He’s also been texting and calling more. We’ve gone out for drinks a couple of times, all initiated by him. The last time we were out, he said he’s not sure whether he wants to be with her or be with me, and that he has feelings for both of us. He’s said this before but also said he doesn’t want to lead me on. He tried to kiss me but I wouldn’t let him.

I feel like I am being kept as an option until he figures out what he wants. To be fair, he said he doesn’t want to lead me on, and I’m talking to him and going out with him because I enjoy his company. At my age, the dating pool isn’t exactly busting me attractive alternatives and if we can get back together, why not give it a chance.

Yangki’s Answer: It’s possible he is keeping you as an option, but because he’s a fearful avoidant with a disorganized attachment, it’s likely not something he’s consciously doing, or doing with ill intent.

1. I believe him when he says he has feelings for both of you. As you read in my article, fearful avoidant relationships immediately after a breakup with someone they still have feelings for are mostly transferred feelings from an ex and can feel very real. And because their attachment style is comfortable with having more than one attachment resource, he sees nothing wrong with having feelings for both of you and being in contact with you while in a relationship. You’re probably one of the very few people he has an attachment to and have proven to be valuable support.

2. He’s chosen to be with her because of the things you mentioned, compatibility and a sense of safety and security but struggling with the relationship, most likely anxious because he can’t see how it will work long distance. This is pushing him more towards you, and because you are receptive and responsive, it’s making him think that maybe a relationship with you where there is no long distance issue will be much easier.

3. It’s possible that he’s scared that his feelings for her are getting stronger which means greater risk of getting hurt, or maybe he feels that he’s not good enough for her and because the relationship is long distance, it’s just a matter of time before it ends. He still has feelings for you and you are there for him, he doesn’t have to start over with someone new.

4. I’ve also seen many fearful avoidants where the breakup was never about their ex as a person, it was about the relationship. Over the course of keeping regular or on-and-off contact, the relationship improved and a fearful avoidant started thinking of leaving the rebound relationship and going back to an ex.

So maybe you are an option. The questions is, does matter? It matters if you are putting your life on hold waiting for him to choose you and come back. They may work out their long distance problem and he stays with her, and you will have put your life on hold for nothing. It doesn’t matter if you are living your life, meeting potential partners and your ex is just an option.

If an avoidant ex is making you an option, make them your option too. Two can play that game. If you meet someone new and you end up falling for them, so be it. You don’t owe your ex anything just like he doesn’t owe you anything. If they end the new relationship because they want to be with you (and you want to be with him), you owe it to yourselves to try to make it work. Until then, choose you.

RELATED:

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Why Avoidant Ex Doesn’t Want A Relationship (What to Do)

How Quickly Do Fearful Avoidants Rebound? (Shocker)

Here’s Why Avoidants Come Back To You After Rebounding

When Should You Let Go Of A Fearful Avoidant Ex?