Does My Ex Still Love Me But Afraid To Admit It?

Question: Three weeks ago I contacted my ex about some important documents. I went to pick up the documents and we ended up going out for dinner. A month ago she wouldn’t return any of my calls. We have had many phone conversation mostly about business, family and mutual friends. When we talk I’m cheerful, confident and relaxed because I want her to see that I am not the emotional wreck she knew a few weeks ago. Some days she’s really warm, friendly and even flirtatious and other days she’s cold and does not want to talk to me. She says I hurt her deeply she is having a hard time putting it behind her. I admit I wasn’t the best boyfriend to her. I now realize I was way too clingy and controlling and when I was angry I was sarcastic, criticizing, ridiculing etc. We both are very hot tempered. I’ve come a long way thanks to therapy. Do you think she still loves me but won’t admit it? What should I say to her to help her put the pain behind her?

Yangki’s Answer: There is obviously still a connection there, I can’t say with 100% certainty that it’s love, only she can.  And whether that connection is sufficient to get the two of you back together or not depends on how fast she can move past that hurt and if she can trust you not to hurt her again. It also depends on other things going on in her life, and if getting back with you is top on her priority list.

I assume that you’ve already apologized to her (not explained/justified what happened but accepted responsibility) for the hurt you caused her. She needs to know you really, really understand how you hurt and that you’re genuinely sorry. Do not expect her to forgive you right away, give her time to process her hurt in her own time and way.

Next time she says she’s having a hard time putting the hurt behind her (which she will) acknowledge it with something like, “I’m really sorry I hurt you” and STOP THERE! It’s her reality. You can’t talk someone out of feeling hurt. You can temporarily calm the feeling of hurt but when she is on her own, it’ll come back up again because feelings MUST be and have to be processed by the person feeling them, not by someone else.

The next step is for you to show her that it won’t happen again. This means making sure you don’t do things that remind her of why she’s hurting and why you’re not together. So it all comes down to how much changing you have done.

Don’t be surprised if after a few “great moments” she says she thinks she needs to pull back/not see you anymore ( I’ve seen it a zillion times before with so many of my clients). Do not panic and get all clingy (again) or completely pull back and stop all communication.  Simply tell her it’s not what you want but you understand and hope that she knows that she can reach out to you any time she wants to.  Then ask her if you can text/email/call her once in a while just to see how she’s doing.  Tell her you expect nothing, you just want to know she’s okay.

The goal is to make sure the door is still open for when she’s processed her emotions and ready to put the past behind her, and also show to her that you indeed have changed.

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28 Comments

  • His actions show me that he is not over me but he is in denial i think because its been 5 months and he still says rude things but also talks about me to all his friends. I’m very confussed, i can’t tell if he still loves me or if he has built up anger and can’t let it go and move on. Either way i need to find a way to move on from all this becuase he is holding me back and i can’t have a healthy relationship with someone else when my past is still so fresh -Thanks for your time.

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    • If he says rude things and probably talks negatively about you to his friends, then it’s most likely that he still has built up anger. Whether or not he can’t let go and move on is his business. Likewise moving on is your own business. There is nothing he is doing or can do to hold you back from moving on – if that is what you want to do. It seems to me that you’re using him as an excuse for your own inability to let go. Take responsibility for your thoughts and actions and you’ll be able to let go, move on, find someone new and have a healthy relationship – IF THAT IS WHAT YOU REALLY WANT TO DO!

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  • girlfriend of 2 years dumped me 8 weeks ago. Says it hadnt felt ‘right’ for a few months, and doesnt love me anymore. I didnt contact her for a whole month, although she tried a few times. when I finally do call to ask for my stuff back, and to ‘be friends’ she asks if I want lunch and I end up staying the night.

    4 weeks later we try to see each other every weekend, and speak most nights. lots of intimacy, romance and laughter, go out for dinner, walks, hotels, etc…but she says she still doesnt love me, or is unsure…this leads to ‘questions’ and me being upset (3 times she has ‘Freudian-slipped’ in conversation and said ‘I love you’ then apologised, saying it was out of habit…CONFUSION4ME!). I am leaving the country in 2-3 months time for 6 months travelling…this seems to come up a fair bit about her resistance to ‘search inside herself for answers or put her heart on the line’. All I want to know-does she love me?

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    • I can’t say with certainty if she loves you — only she can tell you. But there is definitely some strong pull there. Just based on the information you’ve provided me, my guess is that she has strong feelings for you but 1) not sure if those feelings are love, or 2) not sure if you’re right for her, or 3) does not feel that all her needs are being met by the relationship. It’s possible to love someone and not want to be in a relationship with that person because of any one, two or three of these reasons.

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  • My ex of 3 years moved on so fast. We were only apart 2 weeks and he met this woman he is now with. I want to believe this is a rebound but he is telling everyone she’s the one after knowing her for about two months. I can’t see how he can know that in just two months. When we were together his whole world was about me and he was my world too. The last thing I want is to jump into another relation but apparently I did not mean as much to him as he meant and still means to me.

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  • To Mimi. I know what you are going through. My ex of 7 years got married exactly 3 months after he left me. Everyone kept telling me it was a rebound. He also said she is the one he has been waiting for all his life, mind you that’s after 7 years with me. People are still telling me it won’t last but soon she’ll be pregnant and they’ll still be telling me it won’t last. I feel so broken and inadequate but learning to accept that I wasted 7 years of my life on someone who didn’t love me as much as I loved him.

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  • I met her two years ago and we become so intimate in 3 days than she went back to her country..we kept in contact for few days than suddenly she told me stop contact and take care….I was surprise and try to call her and text to her, she did not answer…..I beg her to talk for once but she did not…..now almost two years no words from her…..please help me….what should I do to get her back…….???

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