Does My Ex Still Love Me But Afraid To Admit It?

Question: Three weeks ago I contacted my ex about some important documents. I went to pick up the documents and we ended up going out for dinner. A month ago she wouldn’t return any of my calls. We have had many phone conversation mostly about business, family and mutual friends. When we talk I’m cheerful, confident and relaxed because I want her to see that I am not the emotional wreck she knew a few weeks ago. Some days she’s really warm, friendly and even flirtatious and other days she’s cold and does not want to talk to me. She says I hurt her deeply she is having a hard time putting it behind her. I admit I wasn’t the best boyfriend to her. I now realize I was way too clingy and controlling and when I was angry I was sarcastic, criticizing, ridiculing etc. We both are very hot tempered. I’ve come a long way thanks to therapy. Do you think she still loves me but won’t admit it? What should I say to her to help her put the pain behind her?

Yangki’s Answer: There is obviously still a connection there, I can’t say with 100% certainty that it’s love, only she can.  And whether that connection is sufficient to get the two of you back together or not depends on how fast she can move past that hurt and if she can trust you not to hurt her again. It also depends on other things going on in her life, and if getting back with you is top on her priority list.

I assume that you’ve already apologized to her (not explained/justified what happened but accepted responsibility) for the hurt you caused her. She needs to know you really, really understand how you hurt and that you’re genuinely sorry. Do not expect her to forgive you right away, give her time to process her hurt in her own time and way.

Next time she says she’s having a hard time putting the hurt behind her (which she will) acknowledge it with something like, “I’m really sorry I hurt you” and STOP THERE! It’s her reality. You can’t talk someone out of feeling hurt. You can temporarily calm the feeling of hurt but when she is on her own, it’ll come back up again because feelings MUST be and have to be processed by the person feeling them, not by someone else.

The next step is for you to show her that it won’t happen again. This means making sure you don’t do things that remind her of why she’s hurting and why you’re not together. So it all comes down to how much changing you have done.

Don’t be surprised if after a few “great moments” she says she thinks she needs to pull back/not see you anymore ( I’ve seen it a zillion times before with so many of my clients). Do not panic and get all clingy (again) or completely pull back and stop all communication.  Simply tell her it’s not what you want but you understand and hope that she knows that she can reach out to you any time she wants to.  Then ask her if you can text/email/call her once in a while just to see how she’s doing.  Tell her you expect nothing, you just want to know she’s okay.

The goal is to make sure the door is still open for when she’s processed her emotions and ready to put the past behind her, and also show to her that you indeed have changed.

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Sara
Sara

He is angry that I haven’t returned his calls/emails. If he is angry, that means he cares, right??

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Jay
Jay

We broke up two months ago. I tried several times to contact her but she never responded. Yesterday she sent me hugs from facebook. What does all of this mean with her contacting me and sharing?

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Karenp
Karenp

Should I ask him if he still has feelings for me? He said as recently as last week (to a friend) that he’s sad that we never were right for each other. I’m guilty of putting pressure on him when he was going through child custody issue with ex-wife and he said he just could not handle both at the same. After thinking about it, I know I acted needy and desperate. I still love him very much and miss him.

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Shaun
Shaun

Hi, I live in the UK. My girlfriend dumped me 3 weeks ago. This is the best site I have found. And I like how it makes sense.

I am desperate for advice. The situation is very complicated and involves unresolved bereavement and health issues. I can’t find anything on the net remotely close to our situation and I need help so badly. Regards Shaun

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Ace
Ace

We never had any major fights either but one day she just told me she doesn’t see a future for us. I asked her to explain it but she said she didn’t feel about me the way she wants to. I begged her and told her how much I love her but she was firm about her decision. I went no contact for 2 weeks but after reading your blog, I realized I was making a mistake and immediately contacted her. She responds to my texts and is friendly. But when I tell her I love her, she does not respond. You say in your article that if you love someone you should let them know. I still love her and miss her very much. How should I go about telling her I love her?

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