Question: Yangki, don’t you think it’s inappropriate for your ex to let a text go unanswered for a day? My ex claims to be too busy to answer my texts and when I bring it to his attention he flips it on me and says if I can’t be understanding it’s best if we don’t talk anymore. I apologize and he steps up for a few days then goes back to not responding for hours or a day. He used to be so loving and attentive and answer all my texts immediately. But since we broke up, he can’t be bothered to answer a text for an entire day. Do you think I’m pressuring him expecting him to respond to my texts?
Yangki’s Answer: If you have established open lines of communication, it does not take much time to send a quick text saying I am busy, I will get back to you later. That’s just polite, decent, common courtesy.
That said, he is your ex. He is not obligated to answer any of your texts or respond the way he used to when you were in a relationship. Things change when you break-up. The expectations you had when you were in a relationship no longer apply, and both of you have to adjust to the new reality.
People who expect their ex to be and act the way they used to, often get frustrated and blow their chances for a reconciliation.
But that does not mean you should not speak up when something is bothering you. You have every right to bring it up and completely unjustified in feeling insecure about what it means, especially if this is a repeated pattern.
Sometimes, it’s the way that you bring it up that invites defensiveness or hostility. Next time see if you can bring it up more as an observation rather than a complaint. Again, remember, he is your ex not your boyfriend/partner.
Also see if there is a pattern, e.g. day/time of the day he is more responsive, what kind of texts he responds to right away and which he does not respond to immediately or at all, and change how you approach contact and/or communication with him.
If you try both suggestions above and nothing changes, it may be time to be honest with yourself. Is he really that busy or is he just not that interested? How does it make you feel about yourself to be treated this way? Is this what you want in a relationship?
Sometimes people’s actions say more than we are willing to admit or accept.
Related articles: Understanding Your Avoidant Ex