How Do I Know If My Ex Is Giving Me False Hope?

Question: How do I know if my ex is giving me false hope? I love her and want her back but should give up trying to get her back?

She says she is doing what she feels right for her and needs to be alone for a while; but also wants me in her life. I asked her if she sees us together in the future and she said she does not rule out that we may get back together. I told her I can’t wait for her and I can’t be her friend; and that’s when she said, “I don’t want to give you false hope”. I told her it hurt to hear her say that and she said she understands and feels really bad about everything. She  doesn’t want to hurt me any further by giving me false hope.

I haven’t contacted her in a week; I want to but maybe she doesn’t want me to contact her.

Yangki’s Answer: You did the right thing expressing how you felt about the situation. It’s hard to hear an ex say they don’t want to give you false hope. I think however that you might have taken “wants to be alone” to mean “wants nothing to do with you”; which in context is not what she is saying.

Someone who is giving you false hope will not tell you they’re choosing them and doing what’s right for them; or tell you they want to be alone for a while. Instead, they’ll make you believe you will get back together and you should keep trying to get them back, when they know very well they have made up their mind that you are not getting back together.

What seems to be happening with your ex is that:

1) She’s probably figured out that for her to be a better partner she needs to define her own identity and be the best of herself. That’s a good thing for her, and for your relationship (if it happens).

2) Since she doesn’t know what she’ll want after she’d gone through a growth period, she can’t promise you anything. In my opinion that’s honest and reasonable.

3) It’s also possible that she said doesn’t want to give you false hope because she thought it would free you from any guilt in case during the time she’s trying to figure herself out, you met someone else and fell in love.

Her talking about not giving you false hope was a response to you saying you can’t wait for her; and don’t want to be friends.

Where does this leave you? It leaves you to choose what you want to do. Since you don’t want to be friends and she can not promise you that you will get back together, moving on is the only option you have.

This is your decision to make, I however think that there might still be hope. The reason I say this is that before she said she does not want to give you false hope, she said she does not rule out that you may get back together. “I don’t want to give you false hope” was more a reaction.

You should contact her. She said she wants you you in her life which means that she wants to stay in contact but that’s up to you.

You’ll increase your chances staying in her life. It shows support and understanding for her needing to be alone for a while. You don’t have to “wait” for her or be her “friend” (both not a good idea), just keep the lines of communication open.

She could be ready for a relationship next week or next month…. you want to be there when she is!

RELATED: Does My Ex Need More Time Or Is My Ex Leading Me On?

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4 Comments

  1. says: Justin

    Hello Yangki! I’ve been reading your posts for a while now and I love your approach. My ex and I broke up last year and we’re apart for 6 months, after following your advice we successfully got back together and I couldn’t of been happier. (We we’re together for 8 years before our beakup)

    Fast forward a couple of months and she started to pull away again, never asking me to hang out, cancelling our plans etc. I asked her what was wrong and she said she needed time to absorb everything and think about everything! She told me she loves me with all her heart and can’t picture her life without me

    I’m leaving her space as she requested but she hasn’t contacted me in 3 weeks, I feel stuck and don’t know what to do !

    1. says: Love Doctor, Yangki Akiteng

      Did she ask for “time” or “space” ? I am asking because you said “she said she needed time”. Time and space are two different things. I write a lot about when someone says the needs time vs. space in my book and articles.

      If someone asks for ‘time” then ask how much time so you know when you can reach out If they ask for space, then you wait for them to contact you (refer to Dating Your Ex eBook).

  2. says: Jfayette

    Yangki, I’ve been reading your posts for a couple weeks now, and I realized I was an idiot. I tried 30 days NC with my ex, but eventually contacted her. The first interaction was positive, but everything has since grown stale. I only try to talk about things that would interest or benefit her, and I only try to bring up positive memories from the relationship. But nothing seems to be working. How do I proceed? Is there any hope for me?

    1. says: Love Doctor, Yangki Akiteng

      May be it’s not working because you are doing the wrong things. I don’t know whose advice you are following because it’s obviously NOT mine.

      If you are talking about “things that would interest or benefit her” and not making an emotional connection, you are wasting your time.

      Bringing memories from the relationship even positive ones in the initial stages is a mistake, one I strongly discourage, and I mean strongly discourage.

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