Question: I’m reading your book ‘Dating Your Ex’ and absolutely loving it. I would love to share it with my ex and encourage her to also read it if she so chooses and open an invitation to meet sometime after to discuss or discuss any opinions because I certainly have things I’d like to share with her from the book. I know she is into this kind of literature, education and self-help material. Do you feel this is a wise decision or not?
Yangki’s Answer: I am all for openness and honesty from beginning to end. This is one reason why my advice is different from “all the other NC online stuff out there.”
I believe that relationships that are build on power-play and dishonesty will be rocky and won’t last. If you are going to do all the “work” of trying to get back your ex, why not invest in a relationship that will last. No point in going through all the trouble just to break-up again. Unless of course you are one of those high-strung who need stress, drama and struggle to feel you matter.
That said, you have to be emotionally smart about how you go about being open and honest. People who are emotionally intelligent know the right time and right way to say say/do something.
So whether or not you email her ‘Dating Your Ex’ depends on:
1) the person she is
Some people would see it as open and vulnerable, and that’s a good thing. Others would see it as “selling yourself” at best and manipulation at worst. She may even see it as you incapable of ‘standing on your own” and using the book to “convince” her you have changed/know better (which is kind of lame if you think about it.).
2) what kind of relationship the two of you had/have
If you had and open and honest relationships where everything was out to be shared and openly discussed, then sending her the book would be no different. If your relationship was shrouded with fear of saying or doing something that would push the other away, then she’s going to wonder what you are trying to do, or hope to achieve.
3) what stage of the process you are in.
If you are just opening up lines of communication, it may be too much too soon. It’s best to wait until you have made a strong emotional connection and achieved momentum.
What I am saying is: I have seen relationships that have greatly benefited from discussions about what’s in my book, and have received so many thank you emails from people that got back together as a result of reading my book together and working through their issues using what’s in the book. But I have also seen cases where good intentions backfired big time.