I’m Confused, How Do Avoidants Not Feel the Breakup?

Question: How do avoidants not feel the breakup?

I keep reading that avoidants distract themselves so they don’t feel the pain of loss after the breakup, and wonder how they do that. I’ve tried doing things for myself, making new friends, going on trips and focusing on my growth, but I still think about my avoidant ex I haven’t talked to or seen in 14 months.

I’m in a new relationship, we’ve been together for over five months, but I think about my ex every day. I sometimes go back and read our messages and cry because of the things he said when we were together. He called me the love of his life and I can’t believe he hasn’t tried to reach out. For me just knowing he still thinks about me would be really nice. My question to you is: How do they do that? Is it normal to feel confused about how I feel about my ex and what I want?

Yangki’s Answer: Yes. It’s normal to feel confused about your ex. It’s more normal than to feel confused after a breakup; and to feel confused about wanting your ex back. A break-up triggers all kinds of intense emotions that’s why it hurts so much.

It’s also normal to think about your ex months and even years after the relationship ends. Neuroscience research actually found that attachment to an ex fades gradually, with an estimated half-life of about four years and taking roughly eight years, on average, to fully dissolve.

Someone may stop crying after six months, date again after a few months, and function perfectly well—yet still retain a measurable attachment representation for several more years.

So don’t be so hard on yourself because you still think about your ex. There’s nothing wrong with you.

To your question: How do avoidants not feel the breakup?

They do. The common misconception is that all avoidants feel relief after the breakup followed by regret. This is simply not true, or backed by science.

Avoidants are human beings first and foremost. This means that they feel all the emotions every human being feels; they just handle them differently. Instead of dwelling on the feeling or emotion they often down-regulate it and push it out of conscious awareness.

How do they do that? Years of practice. When you grow up supressing your feelings to protect yourself, the brain learns to adapt to being instructed not to think about something. It however, doesn’t mean they don’t think about you at all.

Their coping strategy began as a survival mechanism and, over time, became an automatic response. As soon as the thought of an ex comes up and starts to feel uncomfortable, they down-regulate it. Over time, it stops coming up because it’s not given attention.

Just because avoidants are able to distract themselves not to feel the breakup doesn’t make their coping mechanism is right or wrong. It also doesn’t mean that because you’re still thinking of your ex and can’t distract yourself, doesn’t mean you’re weaker or healing incorrectly. People regulate emotional pain in different ways, and neither approach is inherently healthier without considering its long-term impact.

The truth is, you’ll probably never stop thinking about your ex or even loving them, but over time, those thoughts lose their intensity. The pain becomes less consuming, your life grows around it, and the experience eventually becomes just another part of your story — not the center of it.

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