Whilst breaking up is hard for everyone regardless of whether you’ve been going out for one week, one month or one year, how we chooses to move on after the break up is different for each individual, and for each relationship.
Personally, I do not think there is one best decision that works for everyone. I’ve seen one decision that worked for one person completely fall flat on the face for another.
Let’s look at some of the pros and cons of each of the FOUR possible decisions:
1. Completely sever ties
There are many reasons why people no longer want to keep contact. These can range from the break up being too painful to anger about the break-up, from trying to suppress feeling of love that still linger to fearing that an ex may interfere with a new relationship. If you (or the other person) want to completely sever ties, that’s your right.
The upside of this decision is that sometimes you need a clean slate on which to begin a new relationship with someone else- no ex-baggage. The down side is that you may be cutting yourself off from the one person who really knows you and can be a strong support system (true friends are few and far between) when you need a shoulder to lean on, especially before you meet someone new.
2. Stay friends spend a lot of time together, hug, and accidentally, from time to time, kiss
Some people decide to stay friends because they enjoy each others company, and especially if they’ve really become very close and have intricately interwoven lives.
The plus side of this decision is that although you’re broken up, you can still enjoy all the benefits of a relationship. You don’t have to feel lonely or “benefits” from strangers (with all the risks). The flaw with this decision is that one or both parties are setting themselves up for another heart break when one person finally does move on or meets someone new. The person who feels left behind will not only feel re-betrayed but may actually try to guilt trip the other forcing him or her to end contact (and the friendship) altogether.
3. Stay friends but spend less time together and avoid the ‘sex’ part
This appears like the better decision. It’s usually the sex part that makes things a little complicated. If the two of you can keep your hands off each other, then that is prove that the relationship was not only based on sex but true friendship which can sometimes last a lifetime.
The down side of this decision is that, it can be hard to tell if someone is keeping you around because they don’t want someone else to have you. If you are not careful, you can stay in this limbo for the rest of your life.
4. Completely sever ties then try and pick up the friendship pieces later
This may be the best decision for a majority of people. When you truly believe you’ve got over the pain of him or her breaking up with you, and can see him or her without getting upset or be tempted to make him or her realize what they are missing, you may want to meet up and renew a friendship.
You may find that they’ve met someone new and are happy but you are good with that. Whether you can be friends or not depends on the new man or woman in his or her life. Some people prefer that their partners have no contact with an ex, and some others don’t mind. And if you really think of your ex as your friend, you should be happy with whatever is best for him or her and his or her new partner.
Bottom line, if you can remember the love you experienced within the relationship and uphold it, you will come through feeling less bitter, hence healing faster and more ready for a new relationship. You may even have a friend for life!
Why do you HATE people who use no contact SO MUCH. You say you are all about giving love a chance but also say in your coaching intro that you only work with people in contact with their ex. In my opinion you contradict yourself.
First of all, I don’t hate anyone. Hate takes too much effort and I’m mentally, emotionally and spiritually too lazy to make the effort… (:
All I’m doing is cautioning people against latching on to “no contact” as if it were a magic solution. I’ve seen so many people who have a real good chance of getting their ex back blow it off with “no contact”, and those who really have no chance of getting their ex back waste so many months in “no contact”, only to end up exactly where they were before they began ‘no contact”.
As for who I work with. I said I don’t work with people not in contact with their ex. What I say is first try to establish contact with your ex, and if there is a positive response, then contact me. My experience has been that by the time people choose to do no contact, 90% of the time that relationship is so damaged that the chances of getting back together with their ex are very low. I do not feel comfortable taking someone’s hard-earned money knowing too well that they probably have no chance of getting their ex back… and I put that out there upfront. Not business smart? May be. But it’s who I am.