Is Fear Stopping You From Contacting Your Ex?

When your fear of rejection, messing things up or pushing your ex away is overpowering your desire to approach/move closer to your ex, you will find it hard to maintain contact with your ex.

All it takes to give up is your ex not responding to a few texts.

Fear also causes some people to reach out, then go ‘no contact’, then reach out again unaware that their on-and off again contact is making their ex question their motives and suspicious of their behaviour.

What’s sad about fear overpowering the desire to approach/move closer to someone you love is that some people are deeply programmed to be avoidant.

“Giving space” “no contact” or “limited contact” feels so natural to them because that’s how they approach anything undesired or unpleasant.

If I just lie low, keep my distance, don’t make any mistakes, I’ll be okay. Six months, or even a year later, they are still lying low, keeping their distance and avoiding rejection.

Avoiding pain, rejection, unpleasant situations etc. is what feels comfortable to them. This is what feels ‘safe’.

Occasionally they gather the courage to reach out to their ex with the help of some script from an “expert”, lifted from a book or online, but their deeply programmed avoidant attachment style takes over, and soon or later they are back to, “maybe I should give him/her space”, “it’s best to do limited contact” or “I’ll go back to doing NC”.

They don’t know how to move towards what they want in a healthy way.

If they are not completely avoiding it, they are aggressively pushing for it and the outcome is the same, rejection (the very same thing they are trying to so hard to avoid).

And here is the I-want-to-hit-my-head-on the-wall part.

There is always some equally deeply programmed avoidant attachment style ‘expert’ out there saying, ‘Ye-ah. Do it, man” or “You go-girl” give him/her space”, do limited contact, go back to doing NC…

Most avoidant type people never overcome their fear of rejection or learn to move towards what they want in a healthy way because they seek out advice, strategies and theories that are fear-based, and encourage avoiding rather than approaching what they really want more than anything in the world – love.

In my work, trying to get someone out of fear is the hardest part about helping my clients. I think we are making progress overcoming fear, we get to creating a plan of action, things are starting to move forward, and then… “maybe I should give him/her space”, “do you think maybe it’s best to do limited contact at this point?”, “My therapist/friends/family say I should do NC”…

Fear has taken over!

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