Question: Yangki, I think it’s too easy to react to a breakup out of anger or because you want your ex back instead of being rational about it and think about how your reactions are going to affect your ex. At least I have found this to be true for myself and with many of my friends and family. The ones that are usually rational about it insist on rational communication to preserve the relationship, which is something you consistently advocate. I am trying to take the rational approach and putting my emotions in check. It is not easy as I love her very much and want her back, but I know it is the right thing to do. What do you think?
Yangki’s Answer: You are absolutely right. It’s hard to see how our actions affect the other person let alone communicate clearly, rationally and constructively when we’re angry, anxious or fearful.
When we reign in our emotions, we can course correct and change how we communicate which in turn changes how things move forward. But as you say, it’s not often easy. Sometimes by the time we realize how our emotional reactions are affecting our ex, it’s too late.
In your case, you seem to have caught yourself early enough, and good for you. But this is only the first step. As you move forward, remember to always ask yourself how what you are about to say or do is going to affect your ex and/or your chances of having a relationship.
As long as you take the rational approach and put your emotions in check, I think you will be fine.
The challenge is finding that balance where you are aware of how what you say or do affects your ex (and the possibility of a relationship) and not letting fear of saying or doing the wrong thing prevent you from saying or doing. At the end of the day, not saying or doing anything to try to attract back your ex is just as bad as saying or doing the wrong thing.
Sometimes not saying or doing anything to try and make it work is worse because you live the rest of your life wondering what might have happened had you said or done x or y.
This is why it’s very important to work on healthy emotional regulation. It’s possible to be in a place where an emotional reaction is not the first response to upsetting circumstances.
