I’m A Fearful Avoidant And Closeness Doesn’t Scare Me

Question: I’m a fearful avoidant and I’m not afraid of being close

I found your site looking for advice on my ex who is a fearful avoidant. I thought I was anxious but after reading many of your articles I found myself wondering if I am anxious or a fearful avoidant so I took the test and the results were fearful avoidant. I’m now doing my own self work and know all about my childhood trauma and caused my fearful avoidant attachment. My problem and I guess my question is, I struggle with the idea that fearful avoidants pull away from closeness and intimacy. I am not afraid of closeness, I want to be close to my partner and I enjoy spending time with them and being intimate. I only pull away if they ignore me, don’t make me feel appreciated, wanted or good enough, or when we have conflict. If they’re making an effort to show me that they love me and care about me, I am comfortable with being close. I rarely deactivate. Have you come across fearful avoidants like me and how do you explain my fear of abandonment vs fear of closeness? Thanks.

Yangki’s Answer: Yes, I have come across many, many fearful avoidants like you. There are actually more of you than what is being put out there about a fearful avoidant attachment.

Before I explain the fear of abandonment vs fear of closeness, it’s important for me to point out that a fearful avoidants attachment like other insecure attachment styles exists on a scale. This is why you find different variations of fearful avoidants. There are fearful avoidants who very rarely present an anxious side and mostly present as avoidants, then they are fearful avoidant who rarely present the avoidant side and mostly present the anxious side. In the middle, you have a fearful avoidant who presents both anxious and avoidant sides at different times in different situations.

In addition, there is the self-aware fearful avoidant who knows about their attachment styles but hasn’t fully healed and then there is the secure leaning fearful avoidant who has healed most of their attachment style and are on their way to being securely attached or have achieved some level of secure attachment.

What you read or watch on social media is mostly the a fearful avoidant who leans avoidant. In fact many attachment theory scholars would prefer if fearful avoidants were called either anxious avoidants or disorganized attachment (clinical term which also has its own problems) because calling them just “avoidants” confuses many people. And most people just don’t care enough to do their own research and fully understand an attachment style. The hear “avoidant” and run with it.

On the fear of abandonment vs fear of closeness question, sometimes it is a “chicken or the egg first” paradox. Underpinning it is the trauma that created the fearful avoidant attachment style.

There are fearful avoidants like yourself who are comfortable with being close and intimate and don’t actively avoid closeness but because being close to someone can lead to abandonment, being too close indirectly scares them.

But there also fearful avoidants who were hurt (physical, emotional and sexual abuse) by the people closest to them, someone they trusted. They’re crave closeness and intimacy but are uncomfortable and afraid of it because being close leads to hurt. They push people away when they get too close because being that close to someone triggers childhood trauma of being hurt by the person closest to them.

And because a fearful avoidant attachment style is a result of accumulated trauma (or multiple traumas), there are many fearful avoidants who experienced abandonment and also neglect, physical, emotional or sexual abuse. The accumulated trauma or multiple traumas is what results in a disorganized attachment.

This accounts for the majority of fearful avoidants. Mot of the time they bounce between fear of abandonment (anxious) and fear of closeness (avoidant) depending on the situation or the relationship. They can also lean anxious or avoidant when triggered by something non-attachment or relationship related (i.e., stress, depression, health issues etc.).

Anxious leaning fearful avoidants are comfortable with closeness and intimacy until the feel (real or perceived) that closeness is threatened (e.g. you ignore them, are cold to them, don’t make them feel appreciated, wanted or good enough, when you have constant fights, show you’re interested in others etc.). They get activated and anxious but if they’re not reassured that they’re not being abandoned pull away, push you away, get cold and distant or deactivate.

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