If You Love Someone Should You Tell Them?

If you love someone should you tell them you love them; and how to tell someone you love them without coming across as needy and clingy?

Some of you will say “Yes, absolutely. Tell them “I love you“; and hope for the best. But most of you will probably say, “No! It’ll scare them way.”

That’s because we are told over and over again that if you tell someone how you feel, it’ll drive them away. Most of us are holding our feelings close to the chest, literally. But guess what?

The very people holding tightly on to their feelings are the same people who’re getting rejected and dumped over and over. And the calculating types playing “bargain” with their feelings are the same people who most feel “unloved” by the people they want to love them.

Ever wonder why?

Love — true love, that is — is meant to be given away freely. Unlike many of our material cravings and possessions that reward us by accumulating and hoarding more of it, love is a “poor” man’s luxury. Freely received and freely given. Unfortunately our materialistic conditioned minds don’t seem to get this simple fact. So we’re always trying to get more “love” by trying to accumulate and hoard it, but only end up with nothing.

What can be more beautiful than telling someone you love them? It’s not only a rewarding experience for the receiver, but also for the giver.

So why don’t more people do it?

1. Selfishness/Ego

Everyone is looking after No.1 (Self) these days, and relationships have become about “what can I get for myself?” as opposed to “how can I make someone else feel loved?”

The what’s-in-it-to-for-me thinking makes telling someone how you truly feel very scary. They might not feel the same way and how embarrassing that will be. The ego can’t take that.

And what if he/she doesn’t deserve it? Or you tell someone you love him/her, and you don’t get “I love you, too” back? Don’t you at least deserve something back (for telling them how you feel)?

Fear of getting our ego hurt has supposedly intelligent men act like spoilt children when someone they have a thing for rejects them or acts “not interested”. They get irrational by the second and aggressive/pushy by the minute. Unable to deal with the fact that someone won’t give them what they want, most push to bring the situation they do not like or are uncomfortable with to a faster conclusion.

Their attitude is “It’s going to happen anyway, so I might as well be done with it”. The irony is, sometimes all the other person was hoping for was a little bit more honesty, openness and showing of TRUE feelings, not more dishonesty and coldness.

2. Inner emptiness

Too many “empty” people looking to be filled by someone else’s love. You know what I mean , “You complete me”, “I’m nothing without you” , “You’re the best thing in my life” etc.

Inner emptiness in the realm of love is felt as “neediness.” People without the “needy energy” have a “fullness” about them because they have enough love for themselves and a lot more “overflow” that they are willing and want to share freely with someone else. When someone overflowing with love “loves” another person, that person experiences a feeling of “overflowing” with love and that’s because they are.

Neediness on the other hand is inner emptiness that’s looking for someone else to fill it up. When a needy person tries to “love” or expresses “love”, it feels to the other person like something is being taken away from them instead. And that’s exactly what neediness does. It takes from others to try to fill it’s own inner emptiness.

Naturally and often instinctively, the person being “loved” by a needy person will pull away (or run for dear life). Sometimes they may not even know why, they just know they need to “get away” or be suffocated to death (needy person sucking the love-energy out of them).

The needy person thinks the other person pulled away because they “showed” love.

When in truth the other person had to leave or be sucked to death trying to fill an emptiness that is un-fill-able by someone else.

Bottom line, if you love someone, let them know. You never know it could be your only chance to tell them how much they mean to you. There’s no point in having all those conversations in your head that you wish you could speak out — but won’t — and then when the person is leaving you, you pour your heart out in a desperate attempt to make them change their mind.

Most people can handle only so much emotion at a time. Overwhelming them with desperate pleas of love, caring, devotion, commitment, happiness, fun etc., (promise of better things) will only make someone want to get away as fast as they can, and as far away as possible. Why? Too much needy energy all at once. Scary!

If you love someone tell them they’re loved.

It’s one of the best feelings in the world. But as explained above, telling them does not mean that they’ll return your love. Do this for YOU. Do this so your love-energy blocked by dishonesty, pretense and “hoarding” tendencies can flow more freely.

This is the thing about love, the more of it you give away freely, the more you will have– and the more will be returned to you!

Practice giving away love — FREELY.  And you’ll have more than you can possible hold in your little heart.

Also see: Why Telling Your Ex “I Love You” Is Putting Pressure

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  1. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Ivy

    I listen to the song “Hold On When You Get Love and Let Go When You Give It” by Stars to remind me to keep this attitude. 🙂

    1. Love Doctor, Yangki AkitengLove Doctor, Yangki Akitengsays: Love Doctor, Yangki Akiteng

      Sentimenental but not entirely true, IMO.

      One does not “get love”, love resides in us.

      Hold On When You Get Love” is the reason most of us get hurt, manipulated, abused, and end up bitter and disillusioned because we are looking for something that’s NOT “out there”.

      The part about “Let Go When You Give It” makes more sense because we can only give what’s ours to give. But even that isn’t applicable to everyone. Some of us do not have enough love for ourselves, let alone have some to spare for someone else. Hence the running around trying to “get love” and/or “holding on” to people who want to be let go.

  2. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Jonna

    if there is ONE thing I have learned from this site, it is to override my ego and let love be my guiding star. Since I started reading your blog, my ex and I have put our grievances aside and started talking to each other more civilly. We have 2 children and because I let my ego stand in the way she did not let me see them for 4 months. Frankly they did not want me around because of the way I treated their mother. They now see a different me and the four of us go out to dinners and my kids seem very happy which makes me very happy. All of this woul dnot have been possible if i had not come across your site. So thank you, Yangki!

    1. Love Doctor, Yangki AkitengLove Doctor, Yangki Akitengsays: Love Doctor, Yangki Akiteng

      You’re totally hitting on me…shame on you! … 🙂

      I’d have given you all of my heart, but someone’s taken it… smh.

  3. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Ron

    Yangki, I started reading your blog last year when I was trying to get back my ex. Unfortunately, I had wasted 4 months in no contact and when I tried to reach out and make an emotional connection, she was already deeply emotionally connected to the other guy. I am a 52 year old man and don’t read many articles on relationship but with your blog, I made an instant emotional connection. You made a positive impact on me and I can only hope that with your advice my current relationship will be better and more emotionally substantive. You my friend are a true inspiration. Thank you.

  4. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Nisha

    I was always straightforward with guys that showed interest, but those relationships ended with no proposal. When I met my ex, I did all the things people say to do not to be “too available”. I played it cool. Never said I love you first and always waited hours/days before returning calls/texts. He chased after me for 6 months and proposed. The night before the wedding he told me he didn’t think he felt for me the way he should, and broke it off.

    Believe it or not, I was relieved because I didn’t really love him either. I’m going to back to being straightforward with guys because even if I didn’t get proposed to, at least those relationships were more fulfilling than with my ex.

  5. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Efrain M/

    I just want to say thank you Christine. You made me realize that the key is to first love yourself. I’ve been talking to her (the girl I’m in love with) and I can gladly say we’re good friends and I love being a ble to make her laugh and I know she enjoys me spending time with her. But I’m just too shy, I could never ever build that courage to ask. Its a bit selfish wanting to be able to tell if she feels what i feel. If I could just sense it and be able to read it. It would be enough.

  6. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Chandra

    Would be nice if everyone told the truth about their feelings. If you like someone, tell them. If you don’t, at least be upfront with them about it. Life would be a lot simpler.

  7. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Monica

    hi christine! i just wanted to say you’re such a breath of fresh air! as a woman who comes from a place of fullness – your advice is just so real, beautiful and incredibly spot-on. and the things you talk about and encourage are not short-term or quick fixes – you’re talking about hard work, transformative work, but real work that creates real results! i so admire your bravery and commitment to helping people to live truly full, loving and empowering lives so they can then share these qualities with other whole, happy, loving individuals! love & hugs!

  8. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Nicole

    I’m in my 40s and miss the days when people just called to say “I love you”.

    Yangki, thank you for trying to bring back what relationships are really about.

    1. Hi Nicole, I just called… to say… “I love you”… and I mean it from the bottom of my heart… Remember, Stevie Wonder???…(:

      Thank you for your kind words… I’m doing the best I can… comments like yours help to know all is not going to waste.

    1. Hunting at the TOP of the food chain is like the lion hunting the strong, fast and fresh. Hunting at the BOTTOM of the food chain is like a hyena stalking the weak, sick and fallen.

      What I’m saying is that, the technique you describe will NOT work with a strong, confident and self-assured woman. She’ll dismiss you at best and feel pity for you at worst. The only kind of woman you attract with a technique like that is someone 1) with very low self-esteem (yes, there are very attractive woman with very low-self-esteem), 2) mentally unstable or 3) desperate.

      What does it say about you when your “success list” is compromised of women with very low self-esteem, are mentally unstable or desperate? It doesn’t say Don Juan, it says something else… like… like… it begins with an “L”.

  9. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: DonJuan

    This is written from a woman’s perspective. I much prefer “The Rules of the Game” by Neil Strauss. What he basically says is women are attracted to men who they feel they have to win over and prove their sexual attractiveness. If she knows you like her, she’ll not be attracted to you. So even if you like her, make her think she’s not attractive. Strauss recommends making teasingly negative remarks about her appearance which will make her feel insecure and want to prove she’s attractive.

  10. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Ron

    Just a couple of months ago, we were heading for a break-up and a counselor told us to spare at least one hour a day to talk with total honesty about how we feel about each other than the usual talk about work or complaining about what the other is not doing. This actually saved our relationship.

    1. Thank you for your comment. You have no idea how many people — men and women– I talk to everyday who say, “I don’t know why it happened, we never fought”. Sounds cool, but after further exploration, the culprit is always never really taking quality time to talk about how each feels. The only time “feelings” become a topic is when people are breaking up — and for most, it’s too late!

  11. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: SeaRat

    Yangki, on an intellectual level I agree with everything you say about telling someone how we feel about them. But in reality, I tend to be turned off by women telling me their feelings. May be I’m just uncomfortable with feelings in general or maybe I prefer to be lied to sometimes – lol

    1. LOL. May be both…

      I hear what you’re saying. I’ve met quite a few people who are uncomfortable with feelings – mostly men, (just being honest). Many feel as if they are being asked to give or fix something, and when one isn’t sure of what’s being asked or not yet ready to give it, it can be uncomfortable. It’s like you’re failing at something or your “worth” is being put into question.

      A lot has to do with how one was raised/early experiences with feelings and emotions. On most part though, it’s usually the way feelings are expressed that can be uncomfortable. I’m at home with other people’s feelings and I’m the sort that wears mine on my sleeve, but I too would be turned off if someone was 1) pushing their feelings on me, 2) acting as if by telling me they love/like me they’re doing me a favour or 3) telling me how they feel because they want me to say something back.

      You might want to read my post “When Revealing Your Feelings of Love Is A Bad Idea.”

  12. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: NWZ

    I was stupid not to fight for her. I listened to all the advice about not making her think I still loved her and I even told her that I’d moved on. But the truth is that I still think of her everyday and miss her very much. It’s killing me in every sense of the word carrying these feelings inside me knowing that she thinks I don’t care about her anymore when I do. Should I write her a letter and tell her everything or is it better to arrange a meeting and confess everything?

    1. I’m sure you realize it was a HUGE mistake to pretend that you didn’t love her anymore and even go as far telling her you had moved on. You set that trap and you got caught in it.

      Writing a letter confessing everything will not help anything. Telling her how you feel now may make you feel good about yourself but it isn’t going to make her “happy” hearing it. Like I said in my post, most people can only handle so much emotion at a time. Telling her now all at once is the ego again trying to get something for itself (relief) without much consideration for the other’s happiness.

      My suggestion would be to reconnect with her slowly over time. Tell her how you truly feel when she’s more receptive to hearing that she’s loved — and do it in small dozes that she can handle.

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