I Told My Ex I’ll Leave Him Alone – Did I Close Things Off For Good?

Question: I told my ex I’ll leave him alone – did I close things off for good?

My FA ex broke up with me about two months ago. After 3 weeks of no contact, I sent him a text “hi, can we talk. I have some things I prefer to talk about face to face.” He responded’ “Whatever you want to tell me, you can text”. I texted him that it was important to talk in person, he did not reply. After 2 days I reached out, and basically told him that if he didn’t want anything to do with me, then he should just say so and I’ll leave him alone. He replied immediately, “Please, and thank you”. I wrote back “Fine. I’ll leave you alone. I don’t want anything to do with you too. Have a good life .” He hasn’t replied.

I miss him so bad and feel lost and sad. Despite all our problems there were many good things about us. Trying to come to terms with the fact that I will never talk to him again and I never see him ever again hurts most of all. Do you think he is acting like this because he still has feelings for me, but doesn’t want to admit it or did I pretty much close things off for good? Is there anything I can do to get him back? I still love him very much.

Yangki’s Answer: I can’t tell you for sure that he still has feelings for you, but I can tell you what led to things getting to this point:

• You going no contact for 3 weeks – If he wantes to stay in contact this can trigger rejection or even abandonment
• The way you initated your first text – There was no warm up to connection. He may have had his guard up like most avoidant exes do when you go no contact. They find ways to cope and putting up a wall is not unusual.
• You started with “can we talk” – Which might have felt like wanting to talk about the breakup right away
• Pressure to meet – He seems to have been open to texting when he said “Whatever you want to tell me, you can text”, but you onsisted on meeting.
• Your over-reaction –  Because you wanted to meet face to face you, you over reacted instead of seeing this as an opportunity to open up the lines of communication, even if he wasn’t ready to meet yet.

This is an example of an aggressive first contact.

It removes the opportunity for gradual reconnection, and can make an avoidant more resistant because it turns an opening into an immediate emotional decision. Also asking to meet right away creates urgency, which can cause an avoidant to rethink contact even though they were initially receptive to reopening the lines of communication.

Thirdly, your reaction to him not wanting to meet right away says this is likely a pattern in your dynamic and he knew what was coming and shut it down with “Please, and thank you” before it could play out in the same old pattern.

Last but not least, telling someone “I don’t want anything to do with you too. Have a good life” is to use your words closing things off for good.

I understand that you may have been triggered and didn’t mean to say what you said, but that’s where you are now. You have him an easy way out , and he took it.

Is there anything you can do to get him back?

He’s not going to reach out. If you want him back, you’ll have to swallow your pride and try to walk back what you said. Start with an apology for overreacting to his suggestion you text instead of meet in person

Will he respond? I don’t know.

Whether he does or does not, learn from this experience and do things differently in your next relationship.

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