Question: Yangki, my ex is trying to get me back but I have a gut feeling he is sleeping with me and having sex with someone else. I have no proof of this and have been tempted several times to look into his phone but I haven’t done it because that’s why we broke up. I was insecure and looked into his phone when he went to the bathroom. To cut the long story short, he caught me and was so upset, we got into a huge fight and he broke up with me. A month earlier, I had confronted him about some woman he was talking to at the gym and it caused him to pull away for a couple of weeks. Without proof, I don’t want to confront him but I also don’t want to be his backup plan.
Yangki’s Answer: Your ex had reason to be upset. Looking into someone’s phone without their permission is a boundary violation.
You obviously don’t trust your ex, and maybe you have good reason not to. But don’t do what you did before, it didn’t end well.
You have two options:
1. Wait until you have definite proof then go to him with proof in hand.
2. If it’s bothering you so much that it’s making you more insecure, go to him with your concerns and let him deny or confirm them. Of course, he may deny it even when there is something going on, but it’s best to address it sooner than later because it will keep eating at you until one day it comes out in ways you had not planned or can handle. Things get out of hand and at that point, it’s too late for a reasonable and rational conversation.
This is not about “confronting” him. In my opinion, “confront” implies an accuser and a defendant, one who’s right and one who’s wrong, a winner and a loser, etc. Most situations when approached with that kind of mindset don’t end well.
This about being open with each other. Most people appreciate you expressing your concerns in a reasonable and rational way than sneaking behind their back or accusing him without proof.
You can say this is more about you than it is about him, and that talking to him directly about your suspicions will make you feel more secure, but more importantly, you want to be open with him when you have concerns. You can mention how you acted in the past and say you don’t want a repeat of the past.
Planning before hand, how and when you bring your concerns to him gives you better control of yourself and of the conversation. If he again gets upset and wants to end things, then
That said, decide if you want to get back with someone you don’t trust or breaks up with you instead of addressing your concerns. If you do decide that you want to get back together, then one, work on your insecurities and two, talk with your ex about trust and if you need to, get professional help.