Question: Yangki, just so you know, I don’t want to go no contact. I don’t want her to think I don’t care or moved on. I’m only doing it because I have no other choice. I love my ex very much and want her back in my life but she doesn’t want me. In the beginning I bombarded her with so many texts, emails and phone calls. Then I stopped. I told her I would not bother her again. She said she still loves me but does not like it when I act needy and not give her space when she asked for it. One of the reasons she broke it off is because she felt that I was controlling and I was always upset when I didn’t get my way. I just don’t have a choice but to not contact her.
Yangki’s Answer: In your own words you say “I bombarded her with so many texts, emails and phone calls” admitting that you acted needy. When someone says you are needy, controlling and get upset when you don’t get your way, doing exactly what she is accusing you of doing is not the solution.
She doesn’t know you are not contacting her because you feel you have no choice. She knows that she told you that you didn’t give her space when she asked for it, and like you always do when you don’t get your way, you got upset and now you are not talking to her. You are confirming to her everything she thinks is ‘wrong” with you.
Remember she said to “give her space when she askes for it”, she didn’t say :when I ask for space, don’t contact me for unspecified number of days/weeks. She also said that she did not like it when you act needy, she didn’t say she does not like you (all the time).
What I am saying is that you do have a choice, and it’s a very simple one. She needs to see that whatever she thinks about you is no longer true.
- The ‘old you’ would get upset by saying she did not want to be with you, the “new you” accepts that you don’t always get your way (an effective “break-up acceptance text or email will make a huge difference).
- The ‘old you” bombarded her with so many texts, emails and phone calls, the ‘new you’ can stay in contact without over doing it or acting needy.
- The ‘old you’ would have cut off contact because you didn’t know what else to do, the ‘new you” will act loving and caring even when you are not in control of the situation.
She can’t see, feel and believe the needy, controlling you who gets upset when you don’t get your way has changed when the two of you are not in contact, and she’s not going to want you back if she thinks you haven’t changed.
If you need help, this site will help you (and the advice is free) with maintaining contact without being needy and being close without being controlling.