Question: Yangki, I need help. Our relationship is 6 mos but we fight a lot because her ex is now all of a sudden back in the picture. Things were really cool until he showed up. She talks to him everyday and tells me about it. This has been going on for 2 months. We constantly argue about her calling him every time we have a fight. She wants me to convince her not to talk to him anymore because he’s trying to convince her to break up with me. I just don’t know if I can fight for a relationship this way. Should I move on?
Yangki’s Answer: Most people in your situation would feel the way you do if their significant other was talking to an ex everyday and telling them their ex is trying to break-up their relationship.
First of all, I do not believe she wants him back because if she really wanted him back, she’d be with him. She wouldn’t tell you to convince her not to talk to him anymore.
She may be using him to keep you on your toes by letting you know that another option is out there for her, and doing the same thing to him that she’s doing to you.
Secondly, there is something unhealthy about someone wanting you to constantly defend your turf. A loving relationship is about creating an environment where someone you love feels safe and secure in the relationship. This is the exact opposite.
I am not saying she doesn’t love you, I am just saying she has a strange way of showing it.
I think it’s good for you to talk to her about how unhealthy it is for her to be asking you to convince her not to talk to him anymore. Tell her you want the relationship to work but you can’t fight for it this way. If she doesn’t see the “wrong” in what she’s doing, then you should seriously consider dating other women and see what other options exist for you. Let her sort out the issue with her ex and if you’re still available, you and her can try having a healthy mature relationship. Just don’t devalue your self-worth by playing her game.