I Apologized to My Anxious Ex, But No Response. Now What?

Question: I apologized to my anxious ex, but no response. Now what?

I’m a fearful avoidant and with immense regret. I did many things wrong as I was completely oblivious to my own attachment patterns. I’m now in therapy and I really just want to show her that I am working on myself and can put in the effort and make things work.

I worked with a coach who told me to write a detailed handwritten apology stating the things I did wrong in the relationship, what I have learnt about myself in therapy and ask her to give you a call sometime as I would like to get her thoughts on some things and would love a second chance whenever she’s ready, but if she’s not that is still fine. I put that in the mail, but it’s been over three months now and I haven’t heard anything back from her. I fear that she’s lost faith in my ability to change and is done for good. I’d like to know what you think I should do next.

Yangki’s answer: I can hear how much regret you’re carrying, and it also sounds like you’ve taken some meaningful steps by starting therapy and trying to understand your attachment patterns. That kind of self-awareness matters, even if it doesn’t immediately change the outcome.

The difficult part is that insight and genuine change don’t automatically rebuild someone else’s trust.

From what you’ve described, your letter gave her everything she needed to know: you acknowledged your part, explained that you’re working on yourself, expressed that you’d like another chance, and also respected her choice if she didn’t want that. That’s a thoughtful message.

The fact that she hasn’t responded after three months is information in itself. It doesn’t necessarily mean she believes you can’t change. It could mean she’s still hurt, protecting herself, unsure what she wants, or that she’s decided not to reopen the relationship. Unfortunately, we can’t know which it is.

Where I think some people go wrong is assuming that if the apology was sincere enough, or detailed enough, it should produce a response. It doesn’t work that way. A heartfelt apology is something you offer, not something that creates an obligation for the other person to engage.

So what should you do next?

Since it’s been three months with no response, I wouldn’t send another apology or another long, emotional letter. She already knows how you feel. If you want to reach out again, make it a simple, low-pressure message rather than another attempt to explain yourself or persuade her.

The goal isn’t to convince her you’ve changed, but to give her the opportunity to.

If you do reach out again, it should have a different purpose. Rather than trying to convince her you’ve changed, let your communication reflect the changes and if she’s open to being in contact, let her experience the changes for herself over time, instead of asking her to believe it based on words alone.

At the same time, continue therapy because it’s helping you, not just because you hope she’ll come back. If the work only exists to win someone back, it’s difficult to sustain. If it becomes part of who you are, people naturally experience that difference over time.

Finally, don’t jump to the conclusion that she’s “lost faith” in your ability to change. That’s only one possible explanation, and you don’t have evidence that it’s the right one. The healthier question is, “Have I done what I reasonably can, and if I reach out again, will it genuinely add something new?”

If the answer is no, then the most productive thing you can do right now is continue becoming the person you want to be. Whether that eventually leads back to this relationship or opens the door to a healthier one in the future, that’s never wasted effort.

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