Are Your Insecurities Turning Off Your Ex?

your-insecurities-may-be-turning-off-your-exMan: I’m a short, below-average guy in my 40s attracted to only 8s and 9s beautiful women in their 20s and 30s. I’ve messaged hundreds of them online over the last 6 months and not one replied. They are all gold-digging b***hes. If a guy is not wealthy, women want nothing to do with him.

Woman: Has it crossed your mind that may be by not responding we’re just trying not to hurt your already fragile manhood? Do we now have to apologize for not finding you attractive? *eyeroll*

Man: Ugly people need love too.

Woman: I agree “ugly” people need love too. But “ugly” people who only contact women based on “how they look” alone should not complain when they are rejected based on “how they look” alone. It’s kind of double standards to say don’t judge me by how I look when you judge others by how they look.

What’s wrong with this exchange?

1. The man although presenting a heartfelt grievance –and I’m sure there are so many men out there who feel the way he does – makes the assumption that the only reason he is not getting responses is because he is short, average looking, 40+ years old and not rich.

2. In his comment, he does not say anything about why he is “attractive.” All he talks about is why he isn’t attractive to women (at least in his mind).

If you’re focused on why you might not be found attractive, basically what you’re doing is giving the other person reasons not to find you attractive.

Note the woman did not use the word “ugly”, she said “not finding you attractive.” The defensive response, “Ugly people need love too” exposed his own feelings about himself which could be one reason he has no success with the women he is attracted to.

3. Instead of drawing her into an engaging exchange — even playful banter — where he might have learned more about what he can do to be more interesting/attractive to the women in the age group he seeks, he goes all self-conscious and defensive.

Sadly, this is how some of us approach contact or interactions with our ex — self-conscious, defensive and anxious. And we wonder why our ex thinks we’re not the kind of person they want in their lives.

The point is, every one of us has some kind of insecurity, it’s part of being human.

But not everyone we meet is going to pretend that our insecurities don’t matter, and very few people are patient enough to keep reassuring us that we’re attractive, valuable or loved.

The solution is not to get so caught up in keeping our insecurities under wraps that we come off as cold, judgmental and “hard to be with”. The opposite, being so sensitive to anything that might seem like “criticism” is just as bad. It makes others want to just leave us “alone”.

The solution is to work on those areas that make us feel insecure so we don’t have to be self-conscious, defensive and anxious all the time.

But since we can’t completely eliminate all our insecurities, it helps to learn to live with our insecurities in a healthy way, and we do that by allowing ourselves to be vulnerable with those we love.

By allowing our vulnerabilities to show, we actually become more attractive because we give others permission to be vulnerable with us.

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