Resistant Ex Has Walls Up – How to Make Progress

Do you feel that your ex still has feelings for you and wants you back but is putting up resistance to getting back together and you don’t know why?

Sometimes the resistance is about what happened in the past (the kind of relationship you had, the reasons for the break-up, how the break-up happened and how both of you reacted to the end of the relationship), but sometimes your ex’s resistance to getting back together is about how you talk and show respect for their person, their boundaries, the people or things they care about etc.

When you feel that your ex still has feelings for you and wants you back but is putting resistance to getting back together, it’s easy to become frustrated and impatient. Very often impatience and frustration turns into a confrontational attitude (both in words and actions) which then creates an environment that creates even more push back, resistance and pulling away.

There’s no way to move things forward in a positive way, let alone get your ex to want to give the relationship another chance when they feel that you are you can be trusted to have their best interest at heart.

To get your ex to cooperate you need first and foremost to identify where the resistance is coming from.

Note that I didn’t say “overcome your ex’s resistance”. The reason for this is that very often your ex has a good reason for being overly cautious, want to take things slow or even put up walls. You may not agree or like that they do it, but it doesn’t take away from the fact that when people don’t feel “emotionally safe”, they become hyper vigilant, act cautious, want to take things slow and put up walls to protect themselves from getting hurt (again).

You need to identify the exact cause of lack of their resistance and then address it. You may find that while you have progressed to where things are friendly and there is an emotional connection, your ex doesn’t trust you and/or thinks you have an agenda that may not be in their best interest. You may also find that while the two of you are getting along so well due to things that happened in the past, your ex doesn’t think you have changed enough for them to want to get back together.

There are so many ways variables since each relationship is different. Sometimes the resistance is about your present circumstances (financial, emotional, social etc) than it is about the past.

You need to identify the exact cause of their resistance and then address it. Not by trying to convince your ex to “cooperate”, but by cultivating an environment that makes them want to “cooperate”.

Some of the things you can do, in addition to letting go of a confrontational approach that is obviously not working for you, is to:

1. Always try to see things from your ex’s perspective

I’ve spoken to many men and women who dismiss their ex’s point of view or perspective on what’s going on and try to ‘break down” whatever their ex’s cause of resistance is with arguments and manipulation. But the more they they insist on their own view of things, they more their ex’s resists because no one likes being told what they ‘feel’ is not right or that you know them better than they know themselves.

2. Show that you understand why they think or feel what they think or feel

To get someone to cooperate, you have to show them them that you are on the same team even if you don’t agree or like what they are saying or how they are acting.

So even if you are the one doing most of the initiating contact, sustaining conversations, making an emotional connection, asking your ex out, building momentum, at the end of the day, your ex has to say “yes, let’s try the relationship again” for you to get back together. You need their cooperation, engagement and input all the way.

3. Be genuinely open and emotionally accessible

Human beings in general have a hard time trusting, respecting and/or acting ‘friendly’ towards someone they feel they can’t trust. So ask your ex what they think or feel about decisions you make that involve them and invite their input. If they don’t offer up anything, suggest several things and have a conversation about them.

Impatience, frustration and confrontation creates resistance and builds walls. Cooperation creates trust and respect, and that “I have a good feeling” about this.

Related: Does Being Nice To My Ex Make Me Weak?

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5 Comments

  • Hi yangki. Thank you for the website. Me and my ex are in a long distance now. But I will be moving back to his country though in a different city this summer. He said he cares for me but he does not have the same love feelings. I felt he has a lot of anger and hurt for things going bad between us. I did not trusted him. I told him that I still have feelings. He told me not to be in touch as it will hurt me. But I convinced him to stay in communication. How do I progress with him emotionally opened up

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    • How to get an ex to emotionally open up and be engaged in a way that makes them want to get back together is what this site is about. Spend some time reading the articles that apply to your situation and see how you can use it to progressively get him to emotionally open up.

      View Comment
    • How to get an ex to emotionally open up and be engaged in a way that makes them want to get back together is what this site is about. Spend some time reading the articles that apply to your situation and see how you can use it to progressively get him to emotionally open up.

      View Comment
    • So true. But just because it’s broken doesn’t mean it can’t be refurbished.

      “If it’s broken buy a new one” only applies to materialism. In relationships, there are no guarantees that the “new one” will be any better.

      Cool name btw…

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