How To Tell An Avoidant Is Deactivating In Real Time

Just because an avoidant hasn’t responded to a couple of texts, is taking a few hours or days to respond or because they changed their pattern of communication doesn’t automatically mean that an avoidant deactivated.

Sometimes an avoidant needs to pace communication to prevent their attachment system from completely crumbling down and possibly causing some psychological or mental health issues. For example, an avoidant may respond immediately to a text, but if you are rapidly texting back, or texting word blocks and it making them feel overwhelmed because it’s too much, an avoidant may take an hour or more to respond as a was of pacing communication. They still want to talk but at a pace they’re comfortable with. This is not a deactivation. This is just an avoidant managing connection.

This is very important because an anxious attachment’s unhealthy craving for closeness and intense worries about partner availability exaggerates an avoidant deactivating. Individuals with an anxious attachment in general want more contact, more engagement and more closeness than even a securely attached person is comfortable with. Even when an avoidant ex is responding and engaging appropriately for two people who are not in a relationship, exes with an anxious attachment see an avoidant as deactivating because of their constant worries about an ex’s availability and their doubts about their value to their ex.

A deactivation is when an avoidant disconnects from attachment or connection because their attachment system can no longer sustain connection at the same intensity or duration. The need to disconnects from attachment or connection can be internally or externally driven. Think of a deactivation as an avoidant powering down or switching off the attachment system for repair purposes.

How to tell an avoidant is deactivating in real time

Usually an avoidant deactivation happens from a distance. An avoidant will ask for space or pull away from connection then they deactivate.

But sometimes an avoidant can deactivate right in front of you and the change in behaviour as they deactivate is both verbal and non-verbal. For example, you say something that triggers an avoidant and they stare at you with a blank pained look on their face sometimes mouth twitching or narrowing of the eyes and then they 1) start yelling or saying mean things (fearful avoidant) and/or 2) they get up and quietly walk away (dismissive avoidant). The blank pained look, mouth twitching or narrowing of the eyes before an avoidant started yelling or walks away is an avoidant failed attempt to self-regulate, and you are seeing it in real time.

Sometimes an avoidant’s attempts to self-regulate fail when an avoidant starts to pull away to manage  connection and you are like “Do you need space?”, “Tell me if you need space”, “I’m going to give you space” etc. An avoidant is like “All I need is a moment to stop this need to emotionally shut down, but now that you mention it/keep pushing it to me, I’ll need space”.

What an avoidant deactivation feels and looks like depends on what triggered the deactivation, how deep or intense the deactivation is, and what attachment trauma is associated with the current experience or situation.

Usually the first sign that an avoidant is starting to deactivate is they respond sporadically, say very little and take longer and longer to respond. Sometimes this happens slowly over a period of time, or very suddenly.

The second sign an avoidant is starting to deactivate is they redirect their attachment needs to working or being busy than they normally are, dotting on a pet, old or new hobbies, hanging out with friends some of whom they’ve never seen in a long time, helping or supporting a family member or friend, traveling more than they usually do, and increased social media activity (mostly fearful avoidants) or frequenting dating websites or porn site (moistly dismissive avoidants).

Sudden deactivation vs. gradual deactivation

An avoidant will experience both sudden and gradual deactivations over the course of the relationship. Depending on the avoidant, they are more likely to gradually deactivate when you are together and more likely to suddenly deactivate after the breakup. The reason being that after the breakup, most avoidants are already emotionally shut down, it doesn’t take much to deactivate them.

If it’s a gradual deactivation, an avoidant may still respond and continue to have some form of contact but at a very scaled down level. By the time the deactivation is complete, an avoidant is emotionally shut down and wants to be left alone. They have no interest in talking to you (or people in general) because every little thing about connection with others (especially someone close) feels exhausting and even annoying.

Again, depending on what triggered the deactivation, how deep or intense the deactivation is, and what attachment trauma is associated with the current experience or situation, an avoidant may completely isolate themselves from everyone, or only engage with people they feel a certain level of safety with. If you are trying to get back with an avoidant, the fact that they’re open and willing to engage with you, even at a very minimal level during deactivation is a sign that an avoidant somewhat feels safe with you, or trusts you.

RELATED:

10 Signs A Fearful Avoidant Is Starting to Lean Avoidant

What Are Avoidants Doing When In Deactivation Mode?

Do Avoidants Still Have Feelings When They Deactivate?

How Long Does An Avoidant Ex Stay Deactivated?

How Long Should I Wait To Check-in On My Avoidant Ex?