10 Ways to Support A Fearful Avoidant Ex Without Pressure

Everyone needs support sometimes whether they’re dealing with work pressure, feeling down, have a health emergency, a situation with family or friend, a death, guilt, midlife crisis, child custody problems with an ex-spouse, financial challenges or even a break-up.

Being there for others when they need our support can be an opportunity not only to show someone that we love and care about them, and that they’re valued and are important to us, but also an opportunity to feel more connected, and feel more like a team “dealing with it together.”

But when you are dealing with avoidants who have a hard time accepting support from a partner, they way you are there for them is can bring you closer or drive them away.

Dismissive avoidants who are more direct will likely tell you to back off if they feel that you are interfering with their independence. Fearful avoidants have a harder time communicating how they feel when you trigger their fear of losing their independence. The anxious side of them wants you to be there for them (and even appreciate the distance you are willing to go to show that you care about them), but the avoidant side of them wants control over their lives and what happens to them.

Why it’s important to still offer support to a fearful avoidant

Fearful avoidants learned from a very early age not to expect much from their caregivers in terms of comfort or support. They also learned that if and when comfort or support is given by a caregiver, pain in the form of rejection, punishment, or even abuse is not very far away. This confusing and chaotic nature of support taught fearful avoidants to fear accepting support. When support is offered, fearful avoidants often think there are strings attached to the support or the help they’re being offered. Most fearful avoidant exes fear that when you come to collect on your investment, they may be unable to reciprocate or not feel like being supportive, and they’ll be judged, punished or rejected as a result.

Fearful avoidants also feel guilty for feeling like a burden to someone and some fearful avoidants don’t feel like they deserve the help or support offered to them. They may even be attuned to their partner’s needs and even willing and capable of being the comfort or support a partner needs, but suspicious and rejecting of comfort and support when offered to them.

So even if your fearful avoidant ex is pushing you away and acting distant, remember that no one likes to feel like they’re all alone in this world – not even dismissive avoidants who act like they don’t need anyone. Often times the people who are there for us during difficult times are the people we come to trust, rely on and love.

1. Show up in words and actions

I’ve said this so many times in my articles and will keep saying it, “it’s important not to presume an avoidant needs space and give it to them unasked for.” Fearful avoidants because of their high sensitivity to rejection might see you giving them space they didn’t need or ask for as you pulling away or distancing yourself. You need to be on top of things so you can be there for them in the way they need you to be.

2. Avoid coming across as judging them

Let them know that you’ve noticed that they’re going through something, but don’t tell them that you’re worried about them or concerned that they’re not doing very well. It may be seen as you judging them or not happy that they’re not paying you the attention you deserve. Fearful avoidants already don’t feel that “they’re good enough” and/or “something is wrong with them”, don’t make them feel judged.

3. Try to understand instead of making assumptions

Most fearful avoidants feel that people don’t understand them, don’t make enough effort to and only care about themselves. Making assumptions about what they think, feel or need confirms these beliefs. When they share that they’re struggling, ask nonthreatening questions to really understand what your fearful avoidant ex is going through or dealing with. The better you understand the situation, the easier it is to be supportive in a non-off putting way.

4. Stay present and focused on them

When they share with you what’s going on, avoid bringing up your own problems or similar experiences, or even other people’s opinions. Even if it feels like sharing and empathizing, it takes away the focus off them and can easily become about you. Instead use comforting and supportive language that helps your fearful avoidant ex own and process their experience in a constructive way.

5. Check-in on how they’re doing

Follow up on the conversation the next day if it’s something urgent or if you’re fearful avoidant ex seems so overwhelmed by what’s going on. If they seem to being doing well, wait a few days and check in with “How are you doing?” kind of text

6. Don’t insist that they talk to you/or someone

If your fearful avoidant ex doesn’t feel like talking, do not push however much you think it’s what they need. Avoidants generally handle stress withdrawn and disconnected from their surroundings and other people. If they directly ask for space, tell them you understand and give them the space they need. It’s okay to ask if they’re okay with you checking in in a few days. The important thing is to leave the door open for further conversation/connection.

7. Ask how you can help and let them tell you

It’s okay to ask an avoidant how you can help or if there is anything you can do to make things easier or if they have everything they need, but don’t project your preoccupied anxious attachment feelings and needs on them and assume you know what they need. Sometimes they may not need anything or there is nothing you can really say or do that will help, but it’s still important that they know you want to be there for them.

8. Offer suggestions not advice (or coaching)

Don’t rush to solve your fearful avoidant ex’s “problems”. Sometimes what fearful avoidants need is for you t understand that they’re going through something and want to be left alone. Sometimes they just want you to  listen and hear them out without interjecting your views, what you’d do in their situation or coach them through what they’re dealing with. If they ask for advice or look like they want it, offer suggestions or information instead of telling them “what to do”.

9.  Avoid silver lining or trying to cheer up them with jokes etc.

The natural tendency is to want your fearful avoidant ex to get over it, snap out of it, be happy again and start engaging with you again, but trying to “cheer up” someone going through a difficult time can come across a being dismissive, shallow, and selfish – and can be annoying and a turn-off.

10. Be a safe space for them to be vulnerable

Being a safe space for an avoidant ex to allow themselves to be vulnerable means being consistent in all the things mentioned above. When we’re consistently supportive, it builds trust or increases it steadily.

Trust is very important to a fearful avoidant. If they can’t trust you, a fearful avoidant will not want to come back, or will come back but end up breaking up with you again – because of trust.

RELATED:

Fearful Avoidants Who Withdraw When Stressed Often Return

How to Be Consistent With A Fearful Avoidant Ex (Get Them Back)

Why An Avoidant Ex Pulls Away After An Argument (STOP IT)

How to Make An Avoidant Ex Feel Safe Enough To Come Back