There is no one way or easy way to get over an ex, stop being angry with your ex or move on, but there are ways that help you move on without resentment; and move on faster.
After a break-up, it’s common to feel anger, hurt and resentment toward your ex. This doesn’t make you are a bad person. This is how you feel right now, and does not define who you are.
That said, holding on to anger, hurt, resentment and bitterness besides it being harmful to your health; keeps you stuck and unable to move on from your ex.
Turn anger, hurt and resentment into self-reflection
To heal and be able to move on, it helps you process your thoughts and feelings about your ex, the relationship and the break-up; and why you have thoughts and feelings. It’s equally important that when you’re reflecting on something like a break-up; that you step back and take the stance of a neutral observer.
As a neutral observer, you will see that the people we are attracted to and often have a relationship with reflect back to us who we are: what our issues are and what areas need more work so we become better partners.
When they reflect to us the things we like, we are happy and everything is smooth sailing. But when they reflect aspects of ourselves that we don’t particularly like; we get defensive, confrontational, unloving and sometimes we run away from the relationship. But what we’re really doing is running away from ourselves.
Self-reflection helps you to become self-aware and make meaning of your experience
Taking time to reflect also helps you turn self-blame and obsessing about failures into insight so you can move on from your break-up with a healthy perspective about the relationship.
Understanding that the other person reflects back to you who we are: what your issues are and what areas need more work so we become better partners not only helps us understand yourself better; it also helps you understand and appreciate your ex.
This does not mean you have to feel good about the break-up, your ex or the situation you find yourself in. Not at all. You can’t force yourself to feel good about something you don’t feel good about. This about consciously choosing to appreciate what you learned from the teacher, even if you don’t like the teacher or the school.
How to be thankful for the impact your ex had on your life
One reason why gratitude is so powerful is that it helps us manage difficult emotions more effectively. Instead of acting like you’re not angry at your ex or pretending to have move on: allow yourself to feel both anger and gratitude, hurt and gratitude, resentment and gratitude etc.
- What are the qualities that you see in your ex that add/added something to your life?
- What do you see as faults/deficiencies in your ex and how do these faults/deficiencies reflect your own issues? Dig deep and be really honest with yourself.
- What lessons did being with your ex (from beginning when the relationship was great all the way to the break-up and post break-up) teach you about yourself?
- What positive or negative traits did the relationship and the break-up bring out in you that surprised you about yourself?
- How have you grown/become a better person as a result of the positive and negative experiences with your ex?
This is not about counting your blessings either or re-framing a loss into a gain. You didn’t start a relationship to break-up. A dream (of a happy loving and lasting relationship) is dead, there is not much gain in it. This is about processing the experience in a way that you emerge from it with a better understanding of yourself as an individual and as a partner.
Using gratitude as a strategy to heal and move on from a break-up
If you want to make sure your next relationship (whether it’s with your ex or someone new), is better than your last, you must learn gratitude. You must learn to process your experience in a way that you emerge from it with a better understanding of yourself.
You don’t even have to forgive your ex if you’re not ready to forgive. Just let go of resentment, so you can stop being angry with your ex or move on.
Being grateful to someone we feel hurt us is not something that comes naturally to many of us. But choosing gratitude is a powerful way to counter anger and resentment People who do not process their unpleasant or negative experiences are bound to attract back the same experiences (whether it’s with your ex or someone new).
After all, you are the only common denominator in all of your relationships… and everywhere you go, you baggage comes with you!
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