How to Stay Calm When Trying to Get Back Your Ex

These 3 simple things securely attached people use to stay calm when trying to get back your ex will help you be less anxious and stay focused.

Getting back with your ex is an emotionally stressful experience. It may even be one of the most difficult things you’ll ever do. At any time in the process things can quickly fall apart for any number of reasons. Something might be misunderstood. Egos may clash. Something or someone from the past may show up. And sometimes you find that you have “new problems” you didn’t have before the break-up.

Any of these things can slow down momentum, disrupt the connection you have painstakingly built, or completely derail the process. When this happens, it feels like you’ll never be able to get back your ex, and all your efforts are a waste of time.

People with a secure attachment style respond to emotionally stressful experiences such as trying to attract back an ex with more calm. Because they are able to regulate distress effectively and flexibly, they take actions appropriate for the situation. Their ability to self-regulate is the secret to their unwavering self-confidence and sense of security and satisfaction in and with their relationships.

These 3 simple things securely attached people do to stay calm when trying to get an ex back will help you be less anxious and stay focused.

1. Tell yourself that setbacks happen

They are a part of the process, and some of them are unavoidable.

When working one-on-one, I discuss with my clients some of the setbacks to expect because I believe that most setbacks are not as crippling when you have an idea it’s coming and have prepared for its possibility.

This is not about getting all negative, pessimistic and carrying a “What. Ever!” attitude. This is about accepting that sometimes you’ll make mistakes, sometimes you’ll meet resistance from your ex, and sometimes things just happen for no reason at all, but it’s how you handle them that will determine whether you succeed or fail.

2. Take a step back and ask yourself if it’s really as bad as you’re making it out to be

When we are highly emotional, everything always seems much worse than it really is. Even things that are not related have some kind of “connection” or “meaning”. But we don’t just exaggerate the severity of the situation, we react to it as if it’s real. Next thing you know, things have gone from bad to worse.

Stepping back to re-evaluate how you are looking at the situation helps you maintain perspective. You may find that that what seems like the mistake that is going to change the course of everything is just a lesson to be learned from, and an opportunity to move things forward.

3. Make a conscious decision to keep moving forward

Many of the setbacks you’ll encounter trying to get back your ex are temporary, as long as you don’t panic and act needy or start unnecessary drama, and make things worse.

Do not get scared and run away from the situation. If you made a mistake, apologize and learn from the experience. What could you have done differently to avoid this? How will you handle things differently if it happens again?

If it’s resistance from your ex, try to figure out where it’s coming from and address it directly. Sometimes, what is required to get things back on track is an open, honest, calm, and respectful conversation. You may find that your ex’s resistance is a result of a misunderstanding, mistrust or suspicion.

The only thing that is important is the next step. As long as you’re focused on the goal and figuring out what the next step is, you will keep moving things forward, even if it’s just one small step forward.


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2 replies on “How to Stay Calm When Trying to Get Back Your Ex”
  1. says: Debby

    I found your site searching for advice about my ex boyfriend, and whether things work out with him or not. Absorbing the concepts you’ve written I find myself becoming more clear of my feelings regarding him and what I want. I have made a list of things I need to work on and what I need to do to proactively improve so that I don’t end up hurting people and ruining relationships. Thank you for the work you do.

  2. says: Billy

    Its hard to for see the set backs are coming and it’s normal process. I love my ex girlfriend and am moving forward because I know she loves me.

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