Question: Can you clarify what you mean by “start over with your ex?” Are there any specific steps that I need to follow to start afresh with my ex?
A short background on your relationship. My ex and I were together for 4 years. We’ve broken up several times, but always found ourselves back with the other. I have no doubt she loves me, and I love her very much. My concern is that we have tried to make the relationship work so many times already, and it doesn’t work. What is the guarantee it will work this time round? Btw, she feels the same way.
Yangki’s Answer: What you have been doing with your ex is a “do-over”. A do-over means you are the same old people trying to inject life into the same old relationship that failed.
To start over with your ex in a fresh new relationship, follow these 3 steps to make sure you don’t go back to just re-doing the old relationship.
1. Accept that the old relationship is over. Gone. Dead
Go through the loss and grief process together or separately, as you decide and is acceptable to the other. In my experience, couples who go through the grief experience together, have a better chance of working things out. It may not be possible in some relationships to talk about what happened, and if so, grieve the old relationship on your own.
The most important thing is that you get over the old relationship so that you can start with your ex in a fresh new relationship,
2. Start dating your ex again, like when you first met
Like you, the biggest mistake most men and women who still love each other make is get back together right after a break-up. They mistakenly assume that because the feelings of love are still there and still strong, they can make it work. Most don’t do a postmortem on the relationship, don’t try to change anything and some don’t even talk about what happened. They just get back together and continue from where they ended.
Others fail to get their ex back because they try to get back together in the very first few weeks of contact. They get so excited that the other person is responding and mistakenly assume that means he or she wants to get back together.
To start over with your ex in a fresh new relationship, start by dating each other like two new people meeting and getting to know each other for the first time. This why my book is called “Dating Your Ex” and not “Get Your Ex Back”. It’s the same person you dated before, only now you are starting a new relationship.
3. Bring something new you to the new relationship
For it t be a real a real new beginning of a new relationship, your ex has to see, feel and think something is different, something is new.
You can only start over with your ex in a fresh new relationship when you are a “new you”; an improved version of yourself with something new to bring to the relationship. You also have to have an increased awareness while working to produce different results. The necessary ingredients are awareness, focus, action, consistency and persistence.
If you’ve honestly changed — become a better version of yourself, acquired new beliefs, habits, interests, relationship skills and tools – and behave like a better version of yourself, there is NO WAY you can have the same relationship again. No way!
Changing one aspect of the equation (YOU) changes the outcome. It’s simple math.
Anything else is a do-over… and you know where that will get you…same results!
RELATED: Should I Tell My Ex I Want Us To Start Afresh And Date Again?
Yangki, bought your ebook after discovering your site. Very enlightening with break ups and relationship.
Been doing it wrongly and badly all this time after the breakup.
We broke up 6 weeks ago but kept in contact. He was warm I was cold and hurt. Now I am the one who wants to connect but feels I might have blew my chances. He replies immediately. Advice on time, topic and not be too needy on texts helps.
Will it be okay to arrange a face to face contact? He still agrees to see me.
Timing, ‘safe’ topics and needy contact is in Dating Your Ex. When and how to arrange a face to face is also in the book. There are also numerous articles to all those topics on the site. Spend sometimes searching for them. If you need advice specific to your situation, please consider signing up for coaching.
Yangki, after spending a week on your site, I realized something. I wasn’t the partner I should have been because I did not know how to be one. I feel ashamed of myself because now I see why she says I need to work on myself and learn how to be in a relationship. Do you think that if I changed, there is a chance for us?
Your observation is so profound, and deep. I believe that shame if it moves you to positive action is not a bad thing.
Will you changing be enough to get back your ex? I don’t I know. What I do know is that you changing increases your chances.
There are so many other factors that affect the chances of getting back your ex, including: 10 Top Indicators You’ll Get Back Your Ex.
I’ve read a lot of your articles. I find them helpful. After hesitating for 2 weeks, I finally reached out to my ex. He responded to my text, I called him and we spoke for an hr and half. I found out that he was hurting as much as I was and was even more hurt when I didn’t respond to his texts. I told him I regret not responding to his texts and he said he understands. We now talk every other day and both of us are initiating contact and also he’s said he’s willing to work together to make it work. I bought your book because I think we have a chance. I want to think this is the beginning of a new relationship or is it as you say the excitement of reconnecting?
I think it’s both. His expressed willingness to work together to make it work and the fact that he’s initiating contact says that you have a very good chance of getting back together. Don’t rush it, build it.
Yangki, I read just about every article you have written and also bought your book. I was drawn to your approach because I did not want to do no contact. We talked about contact on the day of the breakup and chose to remain close. For the first month we didn’t speak much but there was no period of no contact. After a month of texts and phone calls I asked her out and we’ve been spending lots of time together. She has invited me to family events and talks about us being together in the future. I think in general, things are going pretty well. So thank you.
I’ll take the thanks. Thanks… 🙂
But the person who made this happen is you. You should be proud of yourself.
This makes a lot of sense. My ex and I live in different states but we text/call back and forth almost everyday. I have noticed that every time I bring up the old relationship he stops responding for a few days. Even if its something positive like reminding him of some place we went together, he doesn’t respond.
This post caught my attention because I have recently ended a relationship with a guy I was with on and off for about 5 years. I was always able to convince myself that he had changed and take him back. For the first few weeks he acted like he’d changed, but then things went back to how they used to be. This is our 4th breakup and I have accepted that he will never change.
My ex is not and never was good at communication. He plays games and is very hard to understand why. We didn’t speak for 8 weeks but that hasn’t changed anything. Every time we communicate it ends in either an argument, or worse.
You both seem to have a lot of pent up emotions. If arguing was one of the reasons the two of you broke up, it means nothing has changed. There is no point in trying to get back together only to break-up again.
You can’t do anything about your ex’s mind games, except refuse to be drawn in. But you can do something about you, to change how you respond so that things don’t always get to “or worse” point. Will making changes get you two back together? I don’t know. A lot depends on how much damage has already been done to the relationship. It’s always worth a try if you still love someone. I’ve seen people turn around a situation that seemed impossible.
Yangki, how can a safe climate for communication be created and sustained in a situation where there is a lot of misunderstandings due to hurt feelings? We keep in contact and there are still some feelings for each other there, but I can feel he does not feel safe opening up to me.
By being completely honest with oneself and with each other, respectful of the other’s feelings and opinions even if the you do not agree, and by refraining from hurtful responses. And once the door for open and honest communication has been opened, it must continue because if the other person at any one time feels that they are being manipulated, then they will either keep a very close watch on what they say or how they respond, or walk away.