How to Show an Avoidant It’s OK to Be Vulnerable

In my article on how to make avoidants feel safe, I talked about how avoidants need to see that you are capable of creating a safe space for yourself to be vulnerable before they can feel safe being vulnerable with you.

“If you disregard your own emotional safety e.g. talk about your thoughts, feelings, etc., without regard for the situation or consequences, why would they want to be vulnerable with you?”

A safe space for vulnerability is important for avoidants who grew up learning that being vulnerable a weakness, a sign of neediness or emotional dependency that often leads to disappointment, rejection, being judged or criticised. Because of this vulnerability feels like a risk they’d rather not take.

But you can change what they learned about vulnerability by modeling what I call “safe vulnerability” or “strong vulnerability”

Safe vulnerability or strong vulnerability vs. weak or unsafe vulnerability

Strong or safe vulnerability: Is when you are open and real while still showing strength. For example, you might share that you’re feeling anxious about a new job opportunity, but then add that you’re taking steps to prepare and that you believe you can handle it. The combination of sharing openly and honesty while admitting feeling vulnerable plus self-reliance and self-confidence is safe and strong vulnerability. It communicates: “I have feelings, I’m human, but I also trust myself to move through them.”

Weak or unsafe vulnerability: Is when your openness comes across as emotionally falling apart, helpless, or overly dependent on the other person for reassurance or validation. For example, instead of saying you’re anxious about the new job and explaining what you’re doing to prepare, weak vulnerability sounds like: “I’m so scared and anxious. I don’t know how I’m going to survive this. What if I don’t get the job? What if …”

Yes, you’re sharing how you feel and how you feel is human, but you are also communicating that you’re emotionally falling apart and looking to the other person to take care of you emotionally. There’s nothing necessarily wrong with this but if every time you’re vulnerable you intentionally or unintentionally require taking care of emotionally, or need someone else to fix or rescue you, your vulnerability starts to feel like a burden to others – and they start to resent your vulnerability and/or avoid you, especially avoidants.

In short: Strong vulnerability says, “I’m opening up, but I’m okay.” Weak vulnerability says, “I’m opening up, and I need you to make me okay.”

Safe vulnerability tells avoidants that being vulnerable with you is safe

Modeling vulnerability is a powerful way to show an avoidant that vulnerability is strength, safe, healthy, and even attractive. It communicates that being human means feeling things deeply and sharing them, but also being resilient enough to stand on your own two feet – something avoidants. Especially dismissive avoidants value in themselves and in others.

Here are two really important things to keep in mind when showing an avoidant that it’s okay to be vulnerable.

1. Balance

If you share too much, too often, or in a way that comes across as helpless, you run the risk of reinforcing an avoidant’s fears about vulnerability. Avoidants can sense when someone is looking to them for constant reassurance, constant support, or validation, and it triggers their need to pull away because it feels overwhelming and pressure to fix or rescue you.

Think of vulnerability like a scale. On one side is not sharing how you feel or what you are going through, and never admitting when you’re hurt, anxious, or uncertain. On the other side is sharing every raw detail in a way that leaves the other person feeling like you can’t stand on your own. Balance is right in the middle: enough openness to show authenticity and humanity, but enough self-trust and self-reliance to show you’re not completely dependent on them to hold you up emotionally.

2. Resilience

Ending a vulnerable conversation with resilience is one of the most important aspects of strong vulnerability. If you leave things hanging in a way that sounds unresolved—like you’re lost, overwhelmed, or unsure how you’ll cope—an avoidant will often feel the weight of needing to step in, reassure, or take care of you emotionally. This is when they shut down or pull away, because it threatens the independence they guard so closely.

By contrast, if you close your sharing with a note of confidence or resilience, it sends the message that  that you are capable and don’t need them to take care of you emotionally. They may not say it out loud, but it reassures them that being vulnerable with you won’t trap them in a reciprocal caretaker role.

For example, you could say something like, “I miss the times we spend together and it’s been hard. But I also understand that you’re busy right now so I’m making sure to reach out to friends and take time for myself. I know we’ll get through this.” This communicates two key messages at once: you have feelings and you’re willing to share them, but you’re also taking responsibility for your own well-being. To an avoidant, that combination feels safe and appealing because it breaks the old patterns of accusations, reassurance seeking and needing them to make you feel okay.

Over time, consistently modeling this balanced and resilient kind of vulnerability helps an avoidant start to feel that it’s okay to be vulnerable because vulnerability doesn’t make one weak, need or emotional dependent. And as they start to feel safer with your vulnerability, they slowly start test out small moments of vulnerability themselves.

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