How to Show Your Ex What He/She’s Lost

how-to-show-your-ex-what-he-she-really-missedMost, if not all of us, want someone who has rejected us to realize just how much they’ve lost.

Some exes do indeed realize just how important we’re in their lives. But sometimes however good boy/girlfriend material you are, you can’t persuade your ex that you have all the qualities he/she is looking for in a partner.

In the beginning of the relationship, he/she was sure that you are “the one”, but as time went on, you failed to measure up to expectations. He/she became more and more dissatisfied with the relationship because it did not meet his/her needs and wants. Feeling unsatisfied and unhappy, he/she makes the decision to end the relationship despite the fact that he/she still has strong feelings for you.

The conflict between your ex’s feelings of love, and his/her unmet needs and wants often plays out in how your ex interacts with you and the decisions he/she makes about you.

On one hand, he/she has strong feelings for you; and on the other hand, he/she feels that the relationship does not meet his/her wants and needs.

On one hand, he/she feels that he/she lost someone he/she loves; and on the other hand, he/she thinks it’s what’s best if he/she has to have a chance at happiness.

If you don’t know the wants and needs driving the decisions your ex is is making about you, you may find yourself confused by the mixed signals he/she is sending you.

To you, he/she comes across as confused and doesn’t know what he/she wants; but to your ex, he/she sees you as incapable of meeting his/her important needs and wants.

Knowing the wants and needs driving the decisions your ex is is making about you can help you not only communicate your value more effectively, but also determine if you have a chance of getting him/her back — or if you are just wasting your time trying to get back someone who is firmly determined to move on without you.

The best way to find out is to ask. You can learn a great deal about someone by simply asking. Asking takes away the guess work and gives you a more accurate and complete picture of what’s important to your ex than trying to figure things out on your own.

Keep in mind that what someone wants and what he/she needs are often two different things. Many of us may not know exactly what we want, but we always know what we need. Your task is to determine what are your ex’s wants and what are his/her true needs.

If he/she immediately states what he/she wants, that is what he/she wants. Don’t try to over-analyze the information to make it fit your story of what you think he/she should want. If he/she appears to struggle with answering the question or is indecisive, ask about what he/she is struggling with, and why. Remember ASK, not tell or explain to him/what you think he/she is struggling with, and why.

Once you have this knowledge, you can use it to develop effective conversations that demonstrate to your ex that what you offer meets his/her most important wants and needs, and trigger positive action.

The more you know about the needs and wants driving your ex’s decision about you, the more easily you can demonstrate why being in a relationship with you is something he/she can’t afford to lose.

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26 Comments

  • I really needed this. It is giving me clarity on what I need to do to for my ex but mainly for me. This article really hit home. If in the end we aren’t together, I know I will still be in a good place because someone else will benefit from my improvements in life.

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  • Thanks. I needed a bit of a reality check. I read the chapter in the book about when there is another woman and have followed your advice but I guess I got distracted because he asked her to the SB party instead of me. To be fair, he asked me first but I didn’t want to rush things, so I said no. I kind of expected him to pursue me but he chose to take her instead. Our mutual friends say, they never saw with the other woman the chemistry that my ex and I have, and also he called me twice to ask where i was and if I was having fun. I guess that counts for something.

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    • It counts for something, but as mentioned in the book, look for consistency in behaviour. It’s a better indicator of the progress you are making than isolated incidents.

      Again, stay focused… focused…\/…(:

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  • My ex never talked about his feelings either. Most of the time I had to try to figure out what his needs are based on the things he said when we are having arguments. One of the things in your book that made a huge difference for on me is where you say it’s best to approach the conversation from a perspective of wanting to share than pointing out a problem or complain about the relationship. By allowing him to explain his needs in his own words, it’s helped us get closer. I just wish I had your book earlier because he’s seeing someone else. He says it’s not serious but it still scares me that I may have lost him for good.

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    • If he says it’s not serious, you have to take him at his word… unless you want to give up now after having come this far.

      Would it have helped if you had the Dating Your Ex book earlier? Yes. Is it too late? From the sounds of it, NO. As mentioned in the book, the presence of someone else in your ex’s life complicates things somewhat, but it doesn’t mean you do not have a chance. If handled well, it may actually help him see what he will be losing by choosing the other woman.

      In short, get yourself together and focus. As long as he is giving you a chance to change his mind and heart, don’t get distracted by your own self-doubt.

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