Getting your ex to emotionally open up, especially in the initial stages tends to be the most stressful part of the process for so many people trying to get their ex back. A good number of men and women go straight into “let’s try this again”. They pour their heart’s content in an email thinking that if only they can show their ex how sorry they are, how much they are still in love, and how much they want to give the relationship another chance, their ex will want to take them back.
Telling your ex how sorry you are and how much you still love him or her doesn’t work. The more “emotional” you get, the more emotionally closed off they become.
So how do you get him or her to emotionally open up again?
People in general open up ONLY and ONLY when they feel safe to do so.
In a majority of cases, a break-up creates suspicion and distrust. It’s a human thing to want to protect oneself from any more harm. The way most of us protect ourselves is create emotional barriers between ourselves and potential harm. As long as there is a sense that we might get harmed, the barriers will stay up.
So, if you find the two of you telling each other how much you love the other, but unable to find your way back to the relationship, it’s very likely that the issue is one of trust. Your responsibility as the person wanting to make things work is prove to your ex that he or she will not be harmed or injured by your actions. And how you do that is by creating an environment that makes your ex feel safe to let their guard down and allow you in again.
Below are some building blocks of trust.
The advice out there is that you should hold back information about yourself from your ex. There is sense in not overloading someone with details about your life, 1) they may not be interested and 2) they may use it against you. But if you want to build trust, you have to take the risk of being vulnerable.
Mind games, half-truths and avoiding direct contact with your ex don’t repair trust.
To show your ex that you’re sincere in your attempt to resolve things and try to build a better relationship, try as much as is possible to be transparent. It doesn’t just make things easier, it gets the best results in the long run.
Much of the research on trust shows that people tend to respond to others’ actions with similar actions. If others trust us, we tend to respond in kind. If they treat as with suspicion, we tend to view them with suspicion. If your ex for any reason thinks or even senses that you are less than sincere or are hiding something, he or she will interpret it as you don’t trust him or her, and therefore he or she can’t trust you. If you can’t be trusted, then he or she isn’t emotionally safe around you.