Attracting Back An Ex Who “Lost Feelings” And Not In Love Anymore

“I love you but I am not in love with you anymore” and “I have lost feelings for you” are different words with the same feeling.

Upon hearing these words, many of us do four things:

1. Try to argue that that’s not true with statements like… “but last week you said you love me” or “you always say I am the best thing that happened to you” or “I don’t believe you”. Trying to prove to your ex that they’re wrong, doesn’t work. You can’t argue with how someone feels. It is their feelings after all.

2. Beg, promise to “change” and ask for another chance. Yes, it is hard to believe that someone that not too long ago was professing their love can suddenly lose those feelings. But begging for another chance, is being in denial. If your ex says they lost feelings for you, they’re most likely telling the truth.

3. Tell the other person we can work on it together and even suggest therapy. Therapy does help and many couples have benefited from it, but when someone’s feelings are not into it, therapy is often postponing the inevitable.

If none of the above work, does it mean that once someone loses feelings for you that the feelings can not come back?

No. Someone can lose feelings for you but the feelings can come back.

When someone says, they are “not in love with you” or have “lost feelings” for you, they are not necessarily saying they stopped loving you, they are talking about feelings. Feelings of love just like any other feeling come and go and come back again.

Frank Ocean once said that if feelings come back, they were never really gone to begin with.

1.  Lost feelings can be brought back by getting to the bottom of why your ex lost the feelings in the first place.

Everything in this world starts to deteriorate with time if it is not cared enough or not given much needed importance. Feelings of love are no exception.

Think back to when your ex started to lose those feelings. They were once there, your ex felt them. What caused them to lose that feeling of being in love? Too many arguments, you being needy and clingy, things falling into a routine and becoming boring, feeling not emotionally connected, less intimacy, incompatibility, did your ex feel ignored/taken for granted, did you express so much unhappiness with the relationship and your ex began to feel like they were not good enough for you/can’t make you happy, did you take too long to commit etc.

Once you have figured this out, next thing is to figure out what you were doing or not doing that made your ex have feelings for you, then recreate the circumstances that created the feelings in the first place.

2. Lost feelings can be brought back by creating new (and if possible better) feelings

This is probably easier than trying to recreate old feelings that your ex lost. Someone losing feelings means that you should change something up to bring back that excitement. Sometimes that means changing some of your behaviours and other times it means bringing in experiences that are more pleasant, interesting, exciting, inspiring, or life changing in a positive ways. These new memories create new feelings of feeling in love again.

3. Lost feelings can be brought back by making someone feel loved and appreciated.

Sometimes bringing back lost feelings can be as simple as making your ex feel being in a relationship with you is worth it for them.

Some of the things you can do to achieve is tell them how thankful you are for having them in your life, what they mean to you, the qualities you admire about them and what the have taught you about love.

This is tricky when you are broken up. An all of a sudden out pouring of love and appreciation will come across as too needy at best and manipulative at worst. This is one reason I discourage writing your ex ‘a letter”. It usually doesn’t turn out as good as it feels when you are writing the letter.

It’s probably better to wait until you’ve made a strong emotional connection, and your ex is showing interest before you go all out.

4. Lost feelings can be brought back by working with your ex to bring back the lost feelings.

If you don’t know why your ex lost feelings for you, it’s best to have a series of conversations with your ex about why they lost feeling for you. Talking about these things is necessary to getting those feelings back.

The mistake many people make is make assumptions about their ex’s feelings and end up either pissing off their ex or making things worse.

Only your ex can tell you how they are feeling about some of the things that happened in the relationship that caused them to fall out of love, not feel in love and more, or not feel the same way about you. Others, including myself can only speculate, but you and your ex are only two people in the relationship, the only ones who really know what goes on behind closed doors, literally.

The style and approach you use to get your ex to open up and talk about their feelings depends on so many things including your ex’s attachment style.

  1. Some exes are open and direct and will tell you why they lost their feelings for you (Securely attached).
  2. Some exes leave you to guess because they think the truth will hurt you and want to spare you more pain (Anxious attachment).
  3. Some exes want to avoid long-drawn-out “discussions” about the relationship or break-up (Dismissive-avoidant).
  4. Some exes are guarded either because they thinking opening up about their feelings will be used against them or hurt them in some way (Fearful-Avoidant).

Once you know why your ex lost feelings for you, begin to work on a plan to bring back those feelings.

Say for example if your ex says they lost feelings because you both fell into a routine and things became boring, going to the gym, expanding your social network or meditating will have very little impact if none of those things are the reasons your ex lost feelings for you.

Don’t get me wrong. Working out and getting fit after a break-up helps you feel more confident about yourself, and confident is good. Expanding your social circles makes you more independent and not needy, and that’s a good thing. But that only takes you so far when trying to attract back someone who left you because the relationship became boring.

Your ex may like the new happy, confident and independent you, and be genuinely happy about the changes you’ve made, but if you can’t show/prove to them that things will not fall into a routine once you are back together, those feelings are not coming back.

Go through the list of reasons your ex lost feelings for you, do the self-work that needs to be done and then show your ex by text, phone calls or face-to-face (if they are willing to meet up), that things can be different.

It can be done. Others have done it, and so can you.

MUST READ: How to Pull Your Ex Closer Vs. How To Avoid Pushing Away Your Ex

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  1. says: Amy

    My boyfriend just broke up with me today after 6 years. We have been through a lot and he said he has nothing left to give. I know my problems and he has told me, I am bad at communicating (silent treatment type), tend to take things out on him when it has nothing to do with him and we’ve become more like roommates than partners. We both still love each other for him he has no fight left.
    What should I do because I don’t want to lose him and I will work on everything he sees as a problem but how can I get him to be open to taking that last chance?

    1. says: Love Doctor Yangki Akiteng

      How to get him to be open to taking that last chance is what this website is all about. The advice is FREE. Spend time reading different articles because the answers to all your questions can be found here.

      If you need more than the site can help, I have two books that work together very well, and improve your chances dramatically: It’s Just A Break-Up will help with managing your emotions while you try to get back your ex, and Dating Your Ex is for what to do to get him back. You can also sign up for one-on-one coaching. Together we’ll identify what specifically needs to be done to bring back those feelings of love.

  2. says: Drek

    My ex said she loves me but is not sure if we will ever get back together. But she also wants for us to be “friends”. I told her I can’t be her friend but I’ll leave the door open to her if and when she decides to step back through it. We contact each other once in a while but that’s just about it. Last time I contacted her I again asked her if she had made a decision and she said she can’t make one with pressure from me. Why would she feel pressured? Does this mean she’s thinking there a chance for us?

    1. says: Love Doctor Yangki Akiteng

      I don’t know if she’s thinking there is a chance for the two of you or not. A lot depends on why she’s “not sure” in the first place. That’s what’s holding her up!

      If you’ve decided to leave the door open, the best thing to do is not stand there holding it. There is when “waiting” gets frustrating. Leave the door open and go live your life.

      I’ve seen exes who had the intention of walking back in do so sooner because they didn’t feel the pressure of someone holding the door open with, “I am waiting, are you coming in or not?” attitude.

  3. says: Samantha

    My situation is exactly the same as Nati’s. No contact for 4 weeks reached out no response. Reached out again and no response. Bought your book and slowly started to reopen lines of communication. Polite replies at first and now opening a little more. Like you said, time will tell. Your ebook is amazing, its helping me a lot.

  4. says: Natti

    Yangki, my ex sais he lost feelings because we fight too much. He broke up with me mind March. I did no contact for a month and reached out with a video I recorded for him, he did not respond. That’s when I found your site and bought your dating ex ebook and dating your ex boundaries 1 &2. I have been following your advice for 2.5 wks and he started responding and yesterday initiated his first text. Conversations are still short but longer than the first week. I’m just worried that maybe too much damage was done with no contact and he’s just being polite. What do you think?

    1. says: Love Doctor Yangki Akiteng

      Give it another couple of weeks, you will have a clearer idea then. Sometimes they are just being polite and sometimes it’s him being cautions as to why you reached out (and what do you want?) after 4 weeks of radio silence. Keep following the advice in the eBooks, it works!… 🙂

  5. says: Ryan

    My ex and I only went out for about 3 or 4 months and started out as good friends and she liked me before I liked her. Then we were great for a while and in end of November we weren’t together really for just one week. She then after that week said she was confused and didn’t know if she wanted relationship anymore. She said it wasn’t fair to either of us and broke things off. We wanted to remain friends but we now don’t talk. I still want a relationship or at least begin having a friendly connection again like before. What can I do to build connection to try to get things back? Thanks

    1. says: Love Doctor Yangki Akiteng

      Building and strengthening connection is what this site is for. Read as many articles as you can on re-opening the lines of communication, making an emotional connection, and building emotional momentum. If this is not enough and you feel you need more detailed information, consider getting my eBook Dating Your Ex