Attracting Back An Ex Who “Lost Feelings” And Not In Love Anymore

“I love you but I am not in love with you anymore” and “I have lost feelings for you” are different words with the same feeling.

Upon hearing these words, many of us do four things:

1. Try to argue that that’s not true with statements like… “but last week you said you love me” or “you always say I am the best thing that happened to you” or “I don’t believe you”. Trying to prove to your ex that they’re wrong, doesn’t work. You can’t argue with how someone feels. It is their feelings after all.

2. Beg, promise to “change” and ask for another chance. Yes, it is hard to believe that someone that not too long ago was professing their love can suddenly lose those feelings. But begging for another chance, is being in denial. If your ex says they lost feelings for you, they’re most likely telling the truth.

3. Tell the other person we can work on it together and even suggest therapy. Therapy does help and many couples have benefited from it, but when someone’s feelings are not into it, therapy is often postponing the inevitable.

If none of the above work, does it mean that once someone loses feelings for you that the feelings can not come back?

No. Someone can lose feelings for you but the feelings can come back.

When someone says, they are “not in love with you” or have “lost feelings” for you, they are not necessarily saying they stopped loving you, they are talking about feelings. Feelings of love just like any other feeling come and go and come back again.

Frank Ocean once said that if feelings come back, they were never really gone to begin with.

1.  Lost feelings can be brought back by getting to the bottom of why your ex lost the feelings in the first place.

Everything in this world starts to deteriorate with time if it is not cared enough or not given much needed importance. Feelings of love are no exception.

Think back to when your ex started to lose those feelings. They were once there, your ex felt them. What caused them to lose that feeling of being in love? Too many arguments, you being needy and clingy, things falling into a routine and becoming boring, feeling not emotionally connected, less intimacy, incompatibility, did your ex feel ignored/taken for granted, did you express so much unhappiness with the relationship and your ex began to feel like they were not good enough for you/can’t make you happy, did you take too long to commit etc.

Once you have figured this out, next thing is to figure out what you were doing or not doing that made your ex have feelings for you, then recreate the circumstances that created the feelings in the first place.

2. Lost feelings can be brought back by creating new (and if possible better) feelings

This is probably easier than trying to recreate old feelings that your ex lost. Someone losing feelings means that you should change something up to bring back that excitement. Sometimes that means changing some of your behaviours and other times it means bringing in experiences that are more pleasant, interesting, exciting, inspiring, or life changing in a positive ways. These new memories create new feelings of feeling in love again.

3. Lost feelings can be brought back by making someone feel loved and appreciated.

Sometimes bringing back lost feelings can be as simple as making your ex feel being in a relationship with you is worth it for them.

Some of the things you can do to achieve is tell them how thankful you are for having them in your life, what they mean to you, the qualities you admire about them and what the have taught you about love.

This is tricky when you are broken up. An all of a sudden out pouring of love and appreciation will come across as too needy at best and manipulative at worst. This is one reason I discourage writing your ex ‘a letter”. It usually doesn’t turn out as good as it feels when you are writing the letter.

It’s probably better to wait until you’ve made a strong emotional connection, and your ex is showing interest before you go all out.

4. Lost feelings can be brought back by working with your ex to bring back the lost feelings.

If you don’t know why your ex lost feelings for you, it’s best to have a series of conversations with your ex about why they lost feeling for you. Talking about these things is necessary to getting those feelings back.

The mistake many people make is make assumptions about their ex’s feelings and end up either pissing off their ex or making things worse.

Only your ex can tell you how they are feeling about some of the things that happened in the relationship that caused them to fall out of love, not feel in love and more, or not feel the same way about you. Others, including myself can only speculate, but you and your ex are only two people in the relationship, the only ones who really know what goes on behind closed doors, literally.

The style and approach you use to get your ex to open up and talk about their feelings depends on so many things including your ex’s attachment style.

  1. Some exes are open and direct and will tell you why they lost their feelings for you (Securely attached).
  2. Some exes leave you to guess because they think the truth will hurt you and want to spare you more pain (Anxious attachment).
  3. Some exes want to avoid long-drawn-out “discussions” about the relationship or break-up (Dismissive-avoidant).
  4. Some exes are guarded either because they thinking opening up about their feelings will be used against them or hurt them in some way (Fearful-Avoidant).

Once you know why your ex lost feelings for you, begin to work on a plan to bring back those feelings.

Say for example if your ex says they lost feelings because you both fell into a routine and things became boring, going to the gym, expanding your social network or meditating will have very little impact if none of those things are the reasons your ex lost feelings for you.

Don’t get me wrong. Working out and getting fit after a break-up helps you feel more confident about yourself, and confident is good. Expanding your social circles makes you more independent and not needy, and that’s a good thing. But that only takes you so far when trying to attract back someone who left you because the relationship became boring.

Your ex may like the new happy, confident and independent you, and be genuinely happy about the changes you’ve made, but if you can’t show/prove to them that things will not fall into a routine once you are back together, those feelings are not coming back.

Go through the list of reasons your ex lost feelings for you, do the self-work that needs to be done and then show your ex by text, phone calls or face-to-face (if they are willing to meet up), that things can be different.

It can be done. Others have done it, and so can you.

MUST READ: How to Pull Your Ex Closer Vs. How To Avoid Pushing Away Your Ex

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  1. says: Markus

    Me an my ex gf have been together almost 4 years she said she was happy with the relationship but her feelings have changed an that she dosn,t feel the same way anymore im really gutted as i seen her as the one, i admit ive done the wrong things by pleading ,begging etc but that hasn,t worked ive asked what had made her change an she said that she didnt know an why, an that it just happened she even came off her pill a few month ago so confused me even more to why she lost her feelings i was wondering if there was anyway of them coming back or what id need to do i appreciate any help thanks

    1. says: Love Doctor Yangki Akiteng

      This is what this site is for…. how to get back those lost feelings and how to show your ex the relationship can be better.

      It’s free, so use it… 🙂