“I love you but I am not in love with you anymore” and “I have lost feelings for you” are different words with the same feeling.
Upon hearing these words, many of us do four things:
1. Try to argue that that’s not true with statements like… “but last week you said you love me” or “you always say I am the best thing that happened to you” or “I don’t believe you”.
We find it hard to believe that someone that not too long ago was professing their love can suddenly lose those feelings.
2. Beg, promise to “change” and ask for another chance.
3. Tell the other person we can work on it together (even suggest going to counselling/therapy together)
4. Tell ourselves there is nothing we can do to bring back “lost” feelings. Either the feelings are there or not. Either he/she wants to be with us or not.
First things first. It’s true that either the feelings are there or not. It’s also true that if your ex says he/she lost feelings for you, he/she is telling the truth. What is not true is that once feelings are lost, they can’t be brought back.
But trying to prove to your ex he/she is wrong, begging for another chance, and/or suggesting therapy doesn’t work.
What you should do when your ex says “I have lost feelings for you” is find out why he/she lost those feelings. They were once there, your ex felt them, what caused him/her to lose that feeling on being in love?
Only your ex can tell you why he/she lost feelings for you. Others including myself can only speculate, but you and your ex are only two people in the relationship, the only ones who really know what goes on behind closed doors, so to speak.
Some exes are direct and will tell you why they lost feelings for you, but some exes leave you to guess. Either they think the truth will hurt you and want to spare you more pain, or they want to avoid long-drawn-out “discussions” about the relationship or break-up.
If your intention is to try and make the relationship work again, you need to find out. You need to talk to your ex.
To bring those feelings back, you must address the specific reasons why your ex lost his/her feelings for you.
- Is it because you argue/fight a lot and your ex just can’t take it anymore?
- Is it because you grew apart and it didn’t feel like you were compatible anymore?
- Is it because your ex felt ignored/taken for granted and now feels resentment towards you?
- Is it because you expressed so much unhappiness with the relationship and your ex began to feel like he/she was not good enough for you/can’t make you happy?
- Is it because you took so long to commit that now your ex no longer wants your commitment?
Once you know why your ex lost feelings for you, begin to work on a plan to bring back those feelings.
Say for example if your ex says he/she lost feelings because you both fell into a routine and things became boring, going to the gym and working out or expanding your social network will have very little impact if your conversations are still boring, or if you are texting calling your ex every 2-3 days at exactly the same time.
Don’t get me wrong. Working out and getting fit after a break-up helps you feel more confident about yourself, and confident is good. Expanding your social circles makes you more independent and not needy, and that’s a good thing. But that only takes you so far when trying to attract back someone who left you because the relationship became boring.
Your ex may like the new happy, confident and independent you, and be genuinely happy about the changes you’ve made, but if you can’t show/prove to him/her that the two of you can talk about a variety of interesting topics/things, explore new things and mix it up in and out of the bedroom (depending on what became boring), those feelings are not coming back.
You can’t gloss over these concerns and feelings with going to the gym or going out with your friends.