“I love you but I am not in love with you anymore” and “I have lost feelings for you” are different words with the same feeling.
Upon hearing these words, many of us do four things:
1. Try to argue that that’s not true with statements like… “but last week you said you love me” or “you always say I am the best thing that happened to you” or “I don’t believe you”.
We find it hard to believe that someone that not too long ago was professing their love can suddenly lose those feelings.
2. Beg, promise to “change” and ask for another chance.
3. Tell the other person we can work on it together (even suggest going to counselling/therapy together)
4. Tell ourselves there is nothing we can do to bring back “lost” feelings. Either the feelings are there or not. Either they want to be with us or not.
First things first. It’s true that either the feelings are there or not. It’s also true that if your ex says they lost feelings for you, they’re most likely telling the truth. You can’t argue with how someone feels. It is their feelings afterall.
What is not true is that once feelings are lost, they can’t be brought back.
But trying to prove to your ex that they’re wrong, begging for another chance, and/or suggesting therapy doesn’t work.
What you should do when your ex says “I have lost feelings for you” is find out why they lost those feelings. They were once there, your ex felt them. What caused them to lose that feeling on being in love?
Only your ex can tell you why they lost feelings for you. Others including myself can only speculate, but you and your ex are only two people in the relationship, the only ones who really know what goes on behind closed doors, literally.
Some exes are direct and will tell you why they lost feelings for you, but some exes leave you to guess. Either they think the truth will hurt you and want to spare you more pain, or they want to avoid long-drawn-out “discussions” about the relationship or break-up.
If your intention is to try and make the relationship work again, you need to find out. You need to talk to your ex.
To bring those feelings back, you must address the specific reasons why your ex lost feelings for you.
1. Too many fights – Is it because you argue/fight a lot and your ex just can’t take it anymore?
2. Grew apart – Is it because you grew apart and it didn’t feel like you were compatible anymore?
3. Resentment – Is it because your ex felt ignored/taken for granted and now feels resentment towards you?
4. Unhappiness – Is it because you expressed so much unhappiness with the relationship and your ex began to feel like they were not good enough for you/can’t make you happy?
5. Commitment – Is it because you took so long to commit that now your ex no longer wants your commitment?
Once you know why your ex lost feelings for you, begin to work on a plan to bring back those feelings.
Say for example if your ex says they lost feelings because you both fell into a routine and things became boring, going to the gym , expanding your social network or meditating will have very little impact if none of those things are the reasons your ex lost feelings for you.
Don’t get me wrong. Working out and getting fit after a break-up helps you feel more confident about yourself, and confident is good. Expanding your social circles makes you more independent and not needy, and that’s a good thing. But that only takes you so far when trying to attract back someone who left you because the relationship became boring.
Your ex may like the new happy, confident and independent you, and be genuinely happy about the changes you’ve made, but if you can’t show/prove to them that things will not fall into a routine once you are back together, those feelings are not coming back.
Go through the list of reasons your ex lost feelings for you, do the self-work that needs to be done and then show your ex by text, phone calls or face-to-face (if they are willing to meet up), that things can be different.
It can be done. Others have done it, and so can you.