Attracting Back An Ex Who “Lost Feelings” – Not In Love Anymore

“I love you but I am not in love with you anymore” and “I have lost feelings for you” are different words with the same feeling.

Upon hearing these words, many of us do four things:

1. Try to argue that that’s not true with statements like… “but last week you said you love me” or “you always say I am the best thing that happened to you” or “I don’t believe you”.

We find it hard to believe that someone that not too long ago was professing their love can suddenly lose those feelings.

2. Beg, promise to “change” and ask for another chance.

3. Tell the other person we can work on it together (even suggest going to counselling/therapy together)

4. Tell ourselves there is nothing we can do to bring back “lost” feelings. Either the feelings are there or not. Either they want to be with us or not.

First things first. It’s true that either the feelings are there or not. It’s also true that if your ex says they lost feelings for you, they’re most likely telling the truth. You can’t argue with how someone feels. It is their feelings afterall.

What is not true is that once feelings are lost, they can’t be brought back.

But trying to prove to your ex that they’re wrong, begging for another chance, and/or suggesting therapy doesn’t work.

What you should do when your ex says “I have lost feelings for you” is find out why they lost those feelings. They were once there, your ex felt them. What caused them to lose that feeling on being in love?

Only your ex can tell you why they lost feelings for you. Others including myself can only speculate, but you and your ex are only two people in the relationship, the only ones who really know what goes on behind closed doors, literally.

Some exes are direct and will tell you why they lost feelings for you, but some exes leave you to guess. Either they think the truth will hurt you and want to spare you more pain, or they want to avoid long-drawn-out “discussions” about the relationship or break-up.

If your intention is to try and make the relationship work again, you need to find out. You need to talk to your ex.

To bring those feelings back, you must address the specific reasons why your ex lost feelings for you.

1. Too many fights – Is it because you argue/fight a lot and your ex just can’t take it anymore?

2. Grew apart – Is it because you grew apart and it didn’t feel like you were compatible anymore?

3. Resentment – Is it because your ex felt ignored/taken for granted and now feels resentment towards you?

4.  Unhappiness – Is it because you expressed so much unhappiness with the relationship and your ex began to feel like they were not good enough for you/can’t make you happy?

5. Commitment – Is it because you took so long to commit that now your ex no longer wants your commitment?

Once you know why your ex lost feelings for you, begin to work on a plan to bring back those feelings.

Say for example if your ex says they lost feelings because you both fell into a routine and things became boring, going to the gym , expanding your social network or meditating will have very little impact if none of those things are the reasons your ex lost feelings for you.

Don’t get me wrong. Working out and getting fit after a break-up helps you feel more confident about yourself, and confident is good. Expanding your social circles makes you more independent and not needy, and that’s a good thing. But that only takes you so far when trying to attract back someone who left you because the relationship became boring.

Your ex may like the new happy, confident and independent you, and be genuinely happy about the changes you’ve made, but if you can’t show/prove to them that things will not fall into a routine once you are back together, those feelings are not coming back.

Go through the list of reasons your ex lost feelings for you, do the self-work that needs to be done and then show your ex by text, phone calls or face-to-face (if they are willing to meet up), that things can be different.

It can be done. Others have done it, and so can you.

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11 Comments

  • My ex and I only went out for about 3 or 4 months and started out as good friends and she liked me before I liked her. Then we were great for a while and in end of November we weren’t together really for just one week. She then after that week said she was confused and didn’t know if she wanted relationship anymore. She said it wasn’t fair to either of us and broke things off. We wanted to remain friends but we now don’t talk. I still want a relationship or at least begin having a friendly connection again like before. What can I do to build connection to try to get things back? Thanks

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    • Building and strengthening connection is what this site is for. Read as many articles as you can on re-opening the lines of communication, making an emotional connection, and building emotional momentum. If this is not enough and you feel you need more detailed information, consider getting my eBook Dating Your Ex

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  • Yangki, my ex sais he lost feelings because we fight too much. He broke up with me mind March. I did no contact for a month and reached out with a video I recorded for him, he did not respond. That’s when I found your site and bought your dating ex ebook and dating your ex boundaries 1 &2. I have been following your advice for 2.5 wks and he started responding and yesterday initiated his first text. Conversations are still short but longer than the first week. I’m just worried that maybe too much damage was done with no contact and he’s just being polite. What do you think?

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    • Give it another couple of weeks, you will have a clearer idea then. Sometimes they are just being polite and sometimes it’s him being cautions as to why you reached out (and what do you want?) after 4 weeks of radio silence. Keep following the advice in the eBooks, it works!… 🙂

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  • My situation is exactly the same as Nati’s. No contact for 4 weeks reached out no response. Reached out again and no response. Bought your book and slowly started to reopen lines of communication. Polite replies at first and now opening a little more. Like you said, time will tell. Your ebook is amazing, its helping me a lot.

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  • My ex said she loves me but is not sure if we will ever get back together. But she also wants for us to be “friends”. I told her I can’t be her friend but I’ll leave the door open to her if and when she decides to step back through it. We contact each other once in a while but that’s just about it. Last time I contacted her I again asked her if she had made a decision and she said she can’t make one with pressure from me. Why would she feel pressured? Does this mean she’s thinking there a chance for us?

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    • I don’t know if she’s thinking there is a chance for the two of you or not. A lot depends on why she’s “not sure” in the first place. That’s what’s holding her up!

      If you’ve decided to leave the door open, the best thing to do is not stand there holding it. There is when “waiting” gets frustrating. Leave the door open and go live your life.

      I’ve seen exes who had the intention of walking back in do so sooner because they didn’t feel the pressure of someone holding the door open with, “I am waiting, are you coming in or not?” attitude.

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  • My boyfriend just broke up with me today after 6 years. We have been through a lot and he said he has nothing left to give. I know my problems and he has told me, I am bad at communicating (silent treatment type), tend to take things out on him when it has nothing to do with him and we’ve become more like roommates than partners. We both still love each other for him he has no fight left.
    What should I do because I don’t want to lose him and I will work on everything he sees as a problem but how can I get him to be open to taking that last chance?

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    • How to get him to be open to taking that last chance is what this website is all about. The advice is FREE. Spend time reading different articles because the answers to all your questions can be found here.

      If you need more than the site can help, I have two books that work together very well, and improve your chances dramatically: It’s Just A Break-Up will help with managing your emotions while you try to get back your ex, and Dating Your Ex is for what to do to get him back. You can also sign up for one-on-one coaching. Together we’ll identify what specifically needs to be done to bring back those feelings of love.

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  • Me an my ex gf have been together almost 4 years she said she was happy with the relationship but her feelings have changed an that she dosn,t feel the same way anymore im really gutted as i seen her as the one, i admit ive done the wrong things by pleading ,begging etc but that hasn,t worked ive asked what had made her change an she said that she didnt know an why, an that it just happened she even came off her pill a few month ago so confused me even more to why she lost her feelings i was wondering if there was anyway of them coming back or what id need to do i appreciate any help thanks

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    • This is what this site is for…. how to get back those lost feelings and how to show your ex the relationship can be better.

      It’s free, so use it… 🙂

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