Things are looking good with your ex again. Conversations are flowing just like it used to. Then suddenly your ex is acting hot and cold. One day they’re responding to texts quickly, and the next they are distant and barely respond to text messages at all. They say they want to focus on themselves and also tell you they miss you. One week they’re happy being single, the next they’re angry and wish you hadn’t broken up. They make plans to see you, and then cancel last minute.
Why is your ex acting hold and cold? Is your ex confused about how they feel about you? Are they scared of getting hurt? Is your ex playing mind games?
If you feel like you are being pulled in then pushed away; that is because you are
Your ex blowing hot and cold is common and even expected with exes who are:
1. Confused about how they truly feel about you
When they are hot, they’re allowing themselves to feel what they truly feel and acting on it. Then they get scared and want distance.
2. Are afraid of getting close and getting hurt
They feel that if they allow themselves too get close they are going to get disappointed or will get hurt.
3. Don’t know the right thing to do
They want to keep talking to you, but then they read online advice telling them that they shouldn’t be talking to you. They might even think that acting hot and cold will make you miss them more, and want them back.
What do you do when your case is blowing hot and cold?
1. Be consistent with how you are with them
Consistency is so important. I tell my clients: It’s better to risk coming across as needy than make your ex feel that they can’t trust you not to hurt them (again).
Consistency should not be confused with being predictable. Being predictable is doing the same thing over and over with consistency. It’s contacting your ex every x number of days (like clockwork). It’s sending “hi, how are/what’s up/how’s you day?” text every time you make contact. It’s bringing up the old relationship/getting back together in every conversation. It’s your ex ending every conversation with you trying to hang on etc.
Being consistent with an ex acting holt and cold means:
- Being the same regardless of what your ex chooses to do/does.
- Reaching out when your ex’s responds and when your ex doesn’t respond.
- Trying to emotionally connect when your ex is receptive and when they’re guarded.
- Showing your ex you care about them even when you feel they don’t care about you.
- Staying emotionally calm even when your ex posts things on Facebook that upset you.
- Making sure your words match your actions.
It does not mean you can’t get upset, show frustration, have arguments or mess up. It means that even when you are upset or frustrated, you do not say or do things that make your ex feel that they can’t trust you.
2. Show vulnerability
One of the fastest way to earn trust from someone afraid of getting hurt is to be vulnerable yourself. By vulnerability I mean:
- Consciously choosing to take the risk that you are asking the other person to take
- Setting the tone for emotional openness
- Proactively create a space for someone to feel safe sharing their feelings, emotions, hopes dreams, experiences, etc.
To show an ex acting hot and cold that there is nothing to fear, lead by example. Show your ex you are willing to take the risk of rejection.
Your ex may not have the same confidence in you and/or in the relationship, that’s why it’s important to provide that emotional safety they need.
4. Do the things that pull them closer
If an ex is acting hot and cold and you act cold towards them, you reinforce their fear of getting close. What you should do instead is show them warmth; emotionally warm people draw others in.
- Make yourself accessible
- Make it easy for your ex to talk to you
- Create an emotionally safe environment for your ex to open up to you
- Ask the questions that show interest in things that matter to them
- Do not pressure your ex to respond or say what you want to hear; or rush them to make a decision
- Make the small moments of connection count and create new and better memories
- Create a sense of compatibility (or wanting the same things in life), etc.
If this is something you have not been doing, then start doing it. You’ll see your ex acting hot and cold less and less because their is nothing for them to fear about getting close to you.
The quicker you can get your ex to trust you not to hurt them (again), the quicker you can get them to emotionally open up.
The more they open up the more they respond, the more they more they respond the more emotionally invested they become, the more emotionally invested they are, the more they initiate contact, face-to-face meetings etc. The more time you spend in contact and on dates, the better your chances of getting back together.
How A Fearful Avoidant Ex Comes Back – A Detailed Analysis
Fearful Avoidant Ex Acting Hot And Cold – Gets Close And Pulls Away
Thank you for this thoughtful and thought-provoking blog. I honestly think I have been doing all the wrong things and feel frustrated. Sometimes I feel I made progress but other times I feel I am getting no where. Last week it felt like she let me in but since Sunday she has pulled away and emotionally shut me out. She responds but it’s very short replies and its giving me a terrible scare. I know I need to work on our connection and trust but I have trouble with where to put myself in relation to her!
Until you’ve made that connection and established trust, it’ll always be more frustration than progress.
Since you seem to have just found my site, my advice is to spend a little bit more time reading different articles and others’ experiences with these kind of situations (it happens a lot if that’s any comfort).
As long as the lines of communication are open, there is always hope. It’s how you use and take advantage of the open lines of communication that makes all the difference!
Should your ex know that you want them back or at least still loves them?
In my opinion and in my approach to getting back your ex, YES.
Everything is straightforward, honest and open right from the start. No mind games, no trickery or manipulation.
1. Your ex will know from the start that you accept that the relationship has ended, but you still love and care about him/her.
2. You don’t want to be “just friends”, you want him/her back.
3. You’re willing to take things slow, and build a better and stronger relationship.
4. You have truly and genuinely changed, and things will be different this time around.
Thanks so much for this amazing detail! I didn’t speak to my ex for almost two months following a long distance break up (we broke up in person) but then I reached out, he’s very responsive, but then just stops randomly.
That’s what happens when you don’t speak for 2 months. You grow emotionally apart. They respond but only politely until they get used to contact with you again, and sometimes the connection is lost for good.
My ex broke with me because he lost feelings for me. Right after we broke up he started contacting me. I told him it would be best if we didn’t contact each other for a while. He stopped for 2/3 weeks and started contacting me again. I want him back but I’m afraid that if I am too forward by asking him if he wants me back that I might create more distance
Being forward is a good thing, but there is being open and upfront and there is being too pushy/aggressive. Different outcomes
Asking him if he wants you back at this stage would be too aggressive.
Use the open line of communication to try to re-ignite those feelings he says he has lost. A person can’t miss what he doesn’t feel in the first place.
Look back to the time just before the break up, what was missing? What did he say he’d want more of to feel attracted to you? Try to fill those gaps up. If you can INSPIRE him to feel those feelings of attraction again, you’ll not have to ask him if he wants you back. The new feelings of attraction will do the work for you.
I have been in low contact for almost a month and a half, out of the blue my ex sent me a text saying she was confused and doesn’t know if I was just checking in on her or if it’s more for me. I told her I cared about her and wanted to know she was okay but I also miss her. That’s the last I heard from her. I have sent her two texts and no reply.
Unfortunately, this happens a lot with people in low contact. You keep contacting your ex every now and then, they respond out of politeness, but are confused about why you’re contacting them or what you want.
You think you’re doing something to get back your ex, but most of the time all you are doing is postponing the inevitable.
I know people who did this for months and had the nerve to be surprised/hurt when they found out their was with someone else. They’re like, “but why was she leading me on”
How can someone lead you on when they even don’t know you’re trying to get them back?
We had a falling out in August. I have been in no contact with him for 2 months until October in which I sent him a ‘thank you’ card (positive) for Thanksgiving. I received no contact. Then I wrote him a heartfelt letter telling him how I truly felt about him (positive) for Christmas/New Years. Still received no contact. I’ve been contemplating whether I should call him or not but I am afraid to call him. I don’t know what else to do.
I feel bad for you, but I don’t know what else to do either. He hasn’t responded to any of your contacts, I don’t think a call will change anything.
On the other hand, I don’t really blame him. You disappeared for 2 months… why would he want you back in his life when he’s adjusted to not having you in it? You’ve proven to him that you can “ignore” he exists for 2 months, he’s showing you he can ignore you too.
Next time you break-up with someone… DON’T do no contact. Use this as a lesson learned.
The TRUTH About No Contact No One Tells You