Things are looking good with your ex again. Conversations are flowing just like it used to. Then suddenly your ex is acting hot and cold. One day they’re responding to texts quickly, and the next they are distant and barely respond to text messages at all. They say they want to focus on themselves and also tell you they miss you. One week they’re happy being single, the next they’re angry and wish you hadn’t broken up. They make plans to see you, and then cancel last minute.
Why is your ex acting hold and cold? Is your ex confused about how they feel about you? Are they scared of getting hurt? Is your ex playing mind games?
If you feel like you are being pulled in then pushed away; that is because you are
Your ex blowing hot and cold is common and even expected with exes who are:
1. Confused about how they truly feel about you
When they are hot, they’re allowing themselves to feel what they truly feel and acting on it. Then they get scared and want distance.
2. Are afraid of getting close and getting hurt
They feel that if they allow themselves too get close they are going to get disappointed or will get hurt.
3. Don’t know the right thing to do
They want to keep talking to you, but then they read online advice telling them that they shouldn’t be talking to you. They might even think that acting hot and cold will make you miss them more, and want them back.
What do you do when your case is blowing hot and cold?
1. Be consistent with how you are with them
Consistency is so important. I tell my clients: It’s better to risk coming across as needy than make your ex feel that they can’t trust you not to hurt them (again).
Consistency should not be confused with being predictable. Being predictable is doing the same thing over and over with consistency. It’s contacting your ex every x number of days (like clockwork). It’s sending “hi, how are/what’s up/how’s you day?” text every time you make contact. It’s bringing up the old relationship/getting back together in every conversation. It’s your ex ending every conversation with you trying to hang on etc.
Being consistent with an ex acting holt and cold means:
- Being the same regardless of what your ex chooses to do/does.
- Reaching out when your ex’s responds and when your ex doesn’t respond.
- Trying to emotionally connect when your ex is receptive and when they’re guarded.
- Showing your ex you care about them even when you feel they don’t care about you.
- Staying emotionally calm even when your ex posts things on Facebook that upset you.
- Making sure your words match your actions.
It does not mean you can’t get upset, show frustration, have arguments or mess up. It means that even when you are upset or frustrated, you do not say or do things that make your ex feel that they can’t trust you.
2. Show vulnerability
One of the fastest way to earn trust from someone afraid of getting hurt is to be vulnerable yourself. By vulnerability I mean:
- Consciously choosing to take the risk that you are asking the other person to take
- Setting the tone for emotional openness
- Proactively create a space for someone to feel safe sharing their feelings, emotions, hopes dreams, experiences, etc.
To show an ex acting hot and cold that there is nothing to fear, lead by example. Show your ex you are willing to take the risk of rejection.
Your ex may not have the same confidence in you and/or in the relationship, that’s why it’s important to provide that emotional safety they need.
4. Do the things that pull them closer
If an ex is acting hot and cold and you act cold towards them, you reinforce their fear of getting close. What you should do instead is show them warmth; emotionally warm people draw others in.
- Make yourself accessible
- Make it easy for your ex to talk to you
- Create an emotionally safe environment for your ex to open up to you
- Ask the questions that show interest in things that matter to them
- Do not pressure your ex to respond or say what you want to hear; or rush them to make a decision
- Make the small moments of connection count and create new and better memories
- Create a sense of compatibility (or wanting the same things in life), etc.
If this is something you have not been doing, then start doing it. You’ll see your ex acting hot and cold less and less because their is nothing for them to fear about getting close to you.
The quicker you can get your ex to trust you not to hurt them (again), the quicker you can get them to emotionally open up.
The more they open up the more they respond, the more they more they respond the more emotionally invested they become, the more emotionally invested they are, the more they initiate contact, face-to-face meetings etc. The more time you spend in contact and on dates, the better your chances of getting back together.