How To Get Back An Ex Who’s Acting Hot And Cold

You feel like you are doing “something” to get your ex back, but it’s not moving your ex closer to getting back together.

One day they want to be close, want to spend lots of time with you, make an effort to keep the lines of communication open, and talk to you about their feelings and the intimate details of what is going on in their lives. They even make future plans to spend time together.

The next they are distant, barely respond to text messages, want space and say they are happy being single and/or want to focus on themselves and their lives. They ask for space and even cancel the plans you had to spend time together.

You feel like you are being pulled in then pushed away, and you are.

Your ex blowing hot and cold is so common, and almost expected with exes who are confused and torn between what they think they should feel (or tell themselves is the right thing to do), and how they truly feel.

The times they are hot are the times when they allow themselves to freely feel what they truly feel and act on it, then they get scared and want distance. Sometimes they are scared because they allowed themselves to get close (and opened themselves up to disappointment or getting hurt) and sometimes they are scared because they read online of friends and family told them they shouldn’t be getting close with you.

RELATED: Fearful Avoidant Ex Acting Hot And Cold – Gets Close And Pulls Away

What do you do in these cases when your case is blowing hot and cold?

Be consistent with how you are with them.

Consistency is so important that I tell my clients: it’s better to risk coming across as needy than make your ex feel that they can’t trust you not to hurt them (again).

Consistency should not be confused with being predictable. Being predictable is doing the same thing over and over with consistency. It’s contacting your ex every x number of days (like clockwork). It’s sending “hi, how are/what’s up/how’s you day?” text every time you make contact. It’s bringing up the old relationship/getting back together in every conversation. It’s your ex ending every conversation with you trying to hang on etc.

Being consistent in a way that keeps you moving forward and not getting s back by your ex pulling your close and pushing you away, and blowing hot and cold is:

  1. Being the same regardless of what your ex chooses to do/does.
  2. Reaching out when your ex’s responds and when your ex doesn’t respond.
  3. Trying to emotionally connect when your ex is receptive and when your ex is guarded.
  4. Showing your ex you care about them even when you feel they don’t care about you.
  5. Staying emotionally calm even when your ex posts things on Facebook that upset you.
  6. Making sure your words match your actions.

It does not mean you can’t get upset, show frustration, have arguments or mess up, it means that even when you are upset/frustrated or when you have an argument, you do not say or do things that make your ex feel that they can’t trust you not to hurt them (again).

Just as you are afraid of rejection, your ex is too. And just as you fear you might get hurt, your ex has fears too.

What if nothing has changed? What if it doesn’t work out? What if they get bored or fall out love again? What if you are not “the one”?  What if there is someone else out there?

The difference is you are more willing to take the risk that’s why you are the one initiating contact, trying to connect, trying to make the relationship work again, and trying to get back together.  Your ex may not have the same confidence in you and/or in the relationship, that’s why it’s important to provide that emotional safety they need.

The quicker you can get your ex to trust you not to hurt them (again), the quicker you can get them to emotionally open up.

The more they open up the more they respond, the more they more they respond the more emotionally invested they become, the more emotionally invested they are, the more they initiate contact, face-to-face meetings etc. The more time you spend in contact and on dates, the better your chances of getting back together.

RELATED: How to Pull Your Ex Closer Vs. How To Avoid Pushing Away Your Ex

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  1. says: Bare

    Thank you for this thoughtful and thought-provoking blog. I honestly think I have been doing all the wrong things and feel frustrated. Sometimes I feel I made progress but other times I feel I am getting no where. Last week it felt like she let me in but since Sunday she has pulled away and emotionally shut me out. She responds but it’s very short replies and its giving me a terrible scare. I know I need to work on our connection and trust but I have trouble with where to put myself in relation to her!

    1. says: Love Doctor Yangki Akiteng

      Until you’ve made that connection and established trust, it’ll always be more frustration than progress.

      Since you seem to have just found my site, my advice is to spend a little bit more time reading different articles and others’ experiences with these kind of situations (it happens a lot if that’s any comfort).

      As long as the lines of communication are open, there is always hope. It’s how you use and take advantage of the open lines of communication that makes all the difference!