How to Fight For Your Ex When You Feel Like Giving Up

Break-ups are hard, painful, and very emotionally trying. Trying to attract back your ex is probably one of the most emotionally trying experiences of our lives. It tests your emotional maturity, emotionally resilience and ability to deal with unwanted emotions or uncomfortable situations in ways that many of us have never experienced before, or even knew was possible.

At some point (almost everyone of my clients has told me this), you will find yourself thinking:

  • This is harder than I thought it would be.
  • I can’t do this.
  • It is taking so long.
  • I’m getting nowhere.
  • I keep making mistakes and ruining my chances.
  • My ex is not coming back.
  • Am I wasting my time?
  • Maybe I should just move on.

When you have this thoughts constantly in your head, you start you lose hope slowly. And if you have friends, family and even strangers on the internet telling you to move on, find someone new and forget your ex, it is easy to want to give up.

What do you do when everyone you know is telling you to move on and forget your ex, and you think you probably should, but deep inside you don’t want to give up?

1. Tell yourself not to quit, not to give up.

Sometimes you just need to try things again to know for sure that it’s really over. Adopting the “I am not giving up until I feel confident that I have given this an honest try, until there is nothing else to try, and until I am sure I am ready to walk away” mindset will make it easier to persist and not give up.

This is not about denial or holding on to false hope. It’s about taking control of the decision to go after what you want even when everyone around you is telling you to move on, find someone new, forget your ex, etc.

It’s about applying yourself whole heartedly, instead of the fear-filled one foot already out of the door half-assed attempt at getting back your ex.

2. Every day learn as much as you can about what works and what doesn’t.

There is no one-fits-all strategy for attracting back an ex but there are proven strategies that work and work really well. If you keep doing the same things that haven’t worked in the past because you are too afraid to try something new, something you have not done before, you will find yourself feeling stuck. It is your job to find out:

What works best for you – what makes sense or resonates with you, what moves you closer to your true and best version of yourself, what makes you a more attractive partner etc.

What works best with your ex – communication style, personality, attachment style, current thoughts and feelings about trying things again etc.

What works best for your relationship – what kind of relationship you had, how long you were together, the issues that caused the break-up, unique circumstances of factors that make your situation different etc.

When you find yourself wanting to give up, ask yourself is there something I need to know, options and possibilities that I don’t yet know, things I haven’t yet tried. Learn as much as you can about it and try it.

3. Talk to someone you know will talk you out of quitting.

Your friends and family mean well, they don’t want to see you hurting and will give you advice to protect you from the pain of trying to make it work with your ex. But as I said in the beginning of this article, trying to attract back your ex is probably one of the most emotionally trying experiences of your life, inevitably there will be emotional pain involved.

Instead of relying on your friends and family, talk to someone who not only understands what you are going through but can also help you fight the urge to give up.

4. Listen to the voice inside of you telling you not to give up.

Sometimes it is really over, and no amount of ‘positive thinking’ will change anything. But as I often tell my clients, “I have been doing this for a long time, and love stops surprising me”.

Often times, we (including myself) have expectations of how things should turn out and when they don’t turn out how we expected, we think all hope is lost. But love doesn’t work on our schedule or restrictions we put on it. We can only create the environment for it to seed, grow and flourish, but we can’t control how and when things happen.

So when everyone you know is telling you to move on and forget your ex, and you think you probably should but your heart is telling you not to move on yet, listen to your heart. There is a reason you don’t want to quit yet.

Again, this is this is not about denial or holding on to false hope. This about saying to yourself: I am going to give this everything I have, do the best that I can, and if it does not work out, I’ll at least know I did everything I could have possibly done right, it just wasn’t meant to be.

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  1. says: Erwen

    Yangki, you and I had a phone session a couple of weeks ago and you were in agreement that I see a therapist for my anxiety and depression. I did see one but I’m concerned she is advising me to move on. I don’t want to hear that. Especially now. Do you think I should risk what she is saying and still see her?

    1. Love Doctor, Yangki AkitengLove Doctor, Yangki Akitengsays: Love Doctor, Yangki Akiteng

      It’s always good practice to work with someone only if you are comfortable with it. Most counsellors/therapists are not relationship coaches. Their main focus is your well-being and not the relationship. If in their opinion the relationship negatively affects your well-being, they will prioritize your well-being.

      Sometimes what is good for you and the relationship conflict, so you have to make the decision on whether the cost of pursuing a relationship is a risk to your well-being. Only you can make that decision.

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