How To Deal With A Fearful Avoidant Ex’s Inconsistent Replies

How do you deal with a fearful avoidant ex’s inconsistent contact? They seem to want to keep the lines of communication open but keep dropping conversations, ignoring texts and don’t respond for days at a time.

I’ll give you a clue, not these three things:

1)  Demand that they step up or “call them out” for not responding.

This is hard to hear and it hurts. When you’re in a relationship, it’s a reasonable to expect that when you reach out, the other person will respond. That’s the unwritten “social contract” of relationships. When you break up, that contract is dissolved. You’re not in a relationship anymore, your ex doesn’t owe you a response just like you don’t owe them contact. If you don’t want to reach out, don’t, but if you are the one who wants your ex back, you’re going to be the one trying to make that happen. They’re not required to respond or take you back.

2) “Give them space’ or go no contact hoping that your ex will miss you and reach out.

There’s a chance that a fearful avoidant will respond or even reach out when you give them space, but this does not solve the problem of them reaching out, responding and even fully engaging in conversation then just stop responding and disappear for days or even weeks.

3) Assume that they don’t want to talk to you

Anxious attachment and avoidant attachment are two different attachment styles. Someone anxiously attached will always want more contact than an avoidant, and this means that most of the time contact will seem or be one-sided. It doesn’t mean an avoidant doesn’t want contact, it means that they have less need for it.

What you need is to directly address both of your different needs for contact like someone securely attached would do, set boundaries.

Communicating boundaries is critical to feeling safe and being safe to others

Fearful avoidants have high anxiety and high avoidance. This means that fearful avoidants can be highly anxious when there’s no contact, worry and stress about a relationship, and seek contact because they crave connection and closeness, but they also have an intense fear of rejection and abandonment and avoid seeking out others for their attachment needs. They’re said to have a “disorganized attachment style” or called anxious-avoidants because sometimes they are hyperactivated and act like an anxious attached person and sometimes they deactivate and act like a dismissive avoidant.

This means that sometimes a fearful avoidant ex can be fully engaged in conversation and clearly show they wanted contact and connection and other times they’re distant, ignore texts or don’t respond at all. What I’m trying to say is, a fearful avoidant ex wanting to keep the lines of communication open but dropping conversations, ignoring texts or questions, not responding for days at a time is something you should expect. It doesn’t mean they don’t want you to reach out, are uncomfortable with contact or that you’re bothering them. A fearful avoidant might actually want you to contact them, they’re just afraid what it all means, if they’re ready to fully open up the lines of communication or if they’re ready or can meet your need for contact.

And because fearful avoidants are not just conflicted about whether they want contact or no contact, but also conflicted about their feelings for an ex, they have an unhealthy habit of wanting to “test” that someone does indeed care about them and wants to be with them – and is willing to go to lengths to prove it.

Securely attached people typically don’t engage or encourage these unhealthy behaviours. If someone securely attached is reaching out first and a fearful avoidant ex is fully engaged in conversation and it is clear to securely attached ex that their fearful avoidant ex is 1) is invested in keeping the lines of communication e.g. they’re engaged, reaching out and showing interest, a securely attached will give them a pass. They understand that avoidants in general don’t always respond

But a fearful avoidants consistently ignores texts and it’s clear to a securely attached that a fearful avoidant is trying to get them to chase, or is engaging in other unhealth behaviours, a securely attached ex will set clear boundaries on contact.

A securely attached ex’s boundary for contact with a fearful avoidant ex would look something like this:

1. “I’m okay with reaching out first, however, I need to know that you want contact as well. I can only reach out 2-3 times with no response, if there’s no response, I will wait for you to reach out”.

2. “I’m okay with a text every couple of days, but I’m not okay with a week with no contact. If I don’t hear from you for 3 days in a row, I’ll send a check-in text because I want to know that you’re okay. If there’s still no response, I’ll check in again at least one more time, but after that, I’ll assume you don’t me to contact you and I’ll not contact you again.”

Do boundaries work with a fearful avoidant?

Sometimes they do and sometimes they don’t. If a fearful avoidant doesn’t care about keeping the lines of communication open or isn’t interested in having any kind of relationship with you, a boundary is waste of time, and will not make any difference. A fearful avoidant ex isn’t going to suddenly start responding because you set a boundary.

But if a fearful avoidant ex is invested in keeping the lines of communication open or in having a relationship with you, initially, when you set a boundary, they may react with feeling reprimanded. This has more to do with their past experiences where they were regularly scolded or punished for not doing something “right” and less to do with you setting a boundary. They may feel that they have done something wrong and your boundary is a “punishment”, but as you continue to reach out as you said you would in your boundary and show consistency, they’ll begin to appreciate where you are coming from, and that this is something you need rather than a rebuke of something they did.

It’s important when setting a boundary to keep in mind that a boundary is not about eliciting a response, or bending the other person to your will or expectations. A boundary is about your safety, your self-respect and you communicating how you need to be treated while also respecting the other person’s needs including their need to feel safe.

It’s also important to keep in mind that boundaries are a two-way sword. If you want to be respected and treated with respect, you also must respect the basic norms of social interactions and specific boundaries that other people set to protect themselves.

RELATED:

10 Steps For Setting Boundaries An Avoidant Ex Will Respect

How Avoidants React When You Set Secure Boundaries

What Happens When You Ignore A Fearful Avoidant Ex?