When your ex is angry, blames you for the break-up or simply doesn’t want to talk about the break-up or relationship anymore, the last thing you do is:
- go on the attack with your own anger and blame
- keep trying to tell them how much you love them
- keep trying to make them “understand”
- keep apologizing or
- asking him/her why they are angry with you.
You not only make things worse, you actually make them think breaking up with you or not taking you back is the right decision.
If he/she comes at you armed with a number of grievances or issues, address his/her anger first by aligning yourself with him/her. It’s very difficult for most people to continue being angry for so long when you are on their side.
Even if what they are blaming you for is untrue, unreasonable and/or unjustified, when they are “emotional” is not the time to point that out. Most of the time anyways, there is some truth in what they are saying, it’s just that sometimes two people see the same thing differently.
The best response is one in which you:
1) acknowledge/validate their feelings and
2) take responsibility.
Something along the lines: “You are absolutely right. I should have been more responsible/done more/ communicated better/been more supportive” etc.
Of course it’s easier said than done, especially when you are “emotional” yourself. This is where you have to try really hard to control your own emotions and reactions and try to de-escalate rather than escalate the situation.
Sometimes you have to “lose” an argument in order to “win” cooperation. This does not mean you compromise on things most important to you, but that you try to move the conversation to a more healthier place.
PS: An apology letter or email contrary to what you may have read/been advised does not speed up the process of forgiveness. People forgive when they are ready to forgive.