No relationship starts without some sort of emotional connection, and no relationship can survive without emotional connection.
All the advice, techniques and programs to attract someone, seduce someone, keep your man/woman happy, get back your ex, etc. can only go so far if you are not emotionally connected.
Sadly, so many of us do not even know what emotional connection really means. Not only do we confuse it with contact or communication, we are not even aware when another person is trying to emotionally connect with us.
We just know that sometimes conversations feel really great and exciting, and sometimes the other person seems distant and cold. But we don’t really pay attention to what may be causing the inconsistency.
In the moment and throughout the phases of dating, relationship, courtship or whatever you want to call it, there is a bonding rhythm that develops between people.
This is what is known as “emotional connection”. A series of feelings that come together to create a bond between two people.
Sometimes the bonding rhythm is relaxed and laid-back, and other times it’s fast and furious. Sometimes it’s impulsive and playful, and other times it’s thoughtful and empathetic; and sometimes it’s bold and provocative, and other times shy and coy.
There are times when it’s conscious and deliberate, and times when it’s seemingly unintentional.
This bonding rhythm is unique to each relationship and lasts as long as both parties remain alert/present and engaged with each other.
When both parties are present and engaged, there is a feeling of being in the “same wavelength” and moving at the “same pace”. Both parties initiate connection and both parties are open and responsive.
We are more able to create feelings of “connectedness” and pace our interactions because we can easily pump ourselves up or down a notch to mirror what the other is feeling at any given moment. Our interactions feel natural and relaxed, making it easier to sustain a stimulating conversation.
When both or one party is incapable of being present in the moment, set on a personal agenda or going through the motions without the emotions (following rules or a program), interactions follow an entirely different pattern. Interactions are mainly superficial and repetitive because one (or both parties) is holding back and hindering emotional connection.
This is when you find that you really have to try hard to hang in there and sustain a conversation. Most of the time, you end up creating unnecessary stress, resistance and disharmony instead of flow and rhythm.
Many of us assume it’s because we are contacting our ex too much, acting needy or being pushy and driving them further away. So we do the usual thing that many people that do not understand emotional connection do, we pull away, give them “space”… which proves to be an even worse mistake.
A connection is a link to something or someone. “Emotional connection” is that invisible link between us and something or someone. A strong emotional link is what we know as an emotional bond.
We fall in love when a strong emotional bond is formed. We stay in love by keeping the bond strong.
When the emotional bond is weakened or broken, the relationship begins to have all kinds of problems. If nothing is done to re-strengthen the bond, the relationship ends.
To create an emotional link to someone, we have to be able to identify their emotions and feelings, and meet them where they are emotionally. If they are pleasant and light hearted, we should be able to feel that and connect with it and/or with whatever is making them pleasant and light hearted.
If they are frustrated (or sound frustrated in text), we try to understand their frustration, including it’s source and communicate to them in their shoes.
Always remember, it is THEIR emotions and their feelings. You don’t try and ‘change” what they are feeling even if you think they should not feel the way they feel.
Failing to identify their emotions and feelings, and meet them where they are emotionally is what creates an emotional ‘disconnection” .
For example if someone is in a happy and relaxed mood and you respond or bring up with something (from the past or present) that is sad and/stressful, you create an emotional disconnection. One person is happy and relaxed and the other is sad and bring with them stress – disconnect!
Reverse the situation. Your ex is sad and/or stressed out (and it may have nothing to do with you) but you just heard some good news and want to share, so you ignore their emotions and try to ‘cheer” them up with your good news. One person is sad and/or stressed and the other is happy and exited – disconnect!
They may even respond but it will not be the response you were looking for because their words and how they feel is not matching up. It get’s worse. When you continuously fail to recognize how someone feels, ignore how they feel or dismiss their feelings, they begin to emotionally shut down, pull away and/or distance themselves from you.
This simple truth better explained than in Maya Angelou’s words.
“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”